Hi,

Sorry you are going through this. The only thing I can suggest is calling the nurses on here or try Macmillan. My husband called them - entirely different situation but they were really helpful with advice. Hope things get better for you both. X

Crikey!

This sounds like a case for Relate rather than Cancer Chat. It sounds like she's running away from reality, back to a time which was less complicated and more fun. Great for her but lousy for everyone else!

Being diagnosed with cancer is highly likely to cause tensions within any relationship. It brings some couples together and accelerates splits in others.

Have your children made her aware of the distress she is causing them? Does your wife have parents or siblings who might intervene?

Good luck!

Dave

Yeah the boys have said they are hardly seeing but she just says shes not gonna be many people for 4-5 months when she starts chemo... sure she will see afew... She has depression, and unfortunately she fell out with family yrs ago so tries to it all on her own! Think it kind of a denial thing at moment I she's not home, it doesn't feel as real possibly!? ... Tough times!!

Hi 

Yeah I have spoken to them and they just said time and patience really. Chemo starts next week... It had calmed down but I'm now in separate bedroom!! Told her I'm not putting up with her coming home in the early ours or falling asleep on people's, sofas all night when we have 2 teenage boys in the house and we're all worrying what time she's coming home everytime she goes out. But since then she's absolutely cut me out.  Said we separated. Won't let me go to appointments with her or anything now. Saying I've not been there for her. When I've been there for everything upto now!

Thanks

If she said you haven't been there for her she must be feeling that way. The question is, why is she feeling that way?

My husband has cancer and at recent chemo session he told me I am useless - that I am only good for empathy part but nothing more. It made zero sense to me but it made me think how we all perceive ourselves very differently than our loved ones. I see myself as pretty much a perfect wife by my own standards lol and I was like woah, where are these words coming from?!? Recently he forgot to take a tablet and he said he felt so lonely because of it (cos I didn't remind him) that he though of divorce - even if just for 30 seconds. 

I think the relationships might be more shallow than we are willing to accept. While I think I have a good relationship with my hubby, I see we don't have depth because we don't talk about things that bother us. Daily technicalities are more important and all of a sudden you are together because you know no other way, because you built your life around each other. Sure, you enjoy each other's company but diagnoses like cancer sure seems to bring out some tough conversations that you eaither take or you leave. 

Just don't feel like or play a victim. Reflect back on your relationship and own your part of contribution towards the situation. It's never one sided.  

I don't understand how I've not been there for her I've taken time off (self employed) to go to  all the appointments, asked her what she needs from me at this time, think I maybe felt a bit numb to start with but knew she would deal with it by just going out alot, so knew I would have to let her do her thing while I kept things stable at home aswell as keeping my business going.  Keeps saying its her journey and not taking how it's effecting the boys and me. And now talking about going to her friends to recover from chemo for 4 months! The boys have said they won't be going round as we don't know her friend that well. Even that didn't seem to bother her.  So can't see that working out.

It's one of those situations that are totally out of your control as a partner, been together 18yrs but feel Absolutely lost, not being able to support her, and being cut out. Hopefully when the chemo starts she will realise she might need her family round her, if not.... who knows!