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Angry aggressive mum

Daughter_in_distress
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This is my first message and this morning I feel completely broken.  

my mum has stage 4 lung cancer and as a family, we are aware that she is fast approaching end of life care. 
 

Currently she is desperately clinging on to her independence (understandable), but at a cost to her health. 
 

my mum has always been very Curt and it's not unusual for her to be vocally aggressive. However it's unbearable at the moment. I just want to help her and hold her hand, yet Everything I do is wrong. Resulting in her shouting at me to F off, almost every time I see or speak to her. (This isn't unusual behaviour btw but way more aggressive and regular then ever before). 
 

for example, yesterday I arrranged a lunch for family and her good friend who is over from Spain. I live an hour away but arrived early to collect her. She said she wasn't having a good day so I should come in and wait. As soon as I sat down I told her I would call my sister to say we would be late because she wasn't ready. she let rip!  I am ill and they can f-ing wait... you're getting on my F-ing nerves. 
 

I did a few chores and sat patiently not saying anything. Eventually she got up and said "are we going then or are you going to carry on Sitting there and ******* sulk. 
 

I asked her what she wanted me to do as whatever I do is wrong and all I'm trying to do is help... her response "oh really, you could of fooled me" now *** off . 

When we got to the restaurant it was like nothing had happened. I pretended to go to the toilet and sat in my car and cried. 

the hardest part is because she has always been verbally aggressive on occasion and treading on eggshells has become almost impossible . I love my mum and when she's kind she is incredible. I just want to help her. 

Thank you for reading 

yours truly. A very puffy eyed daughter
 

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    Cancer, no cancer, stubbed toe, grazed knee etc, that behaviour is never acceptable. Some people's behaviour is amplified when faced with such a prognosis, and some of the drugs that are given don't help either. Steroids being the prime example.

    But that doesn't and shouldn't excuse her behaviour towards you. Abuse is abuse. However, you're caught between a rock and a hard place so to speak. Some people will say you just gotta put up with it, and it's an unfortunate position to be in, but sometimes you've got to give these people a short sharp shock. Like threaten to walk away, and maybe even do remove yourself from this situation for a day or 3 and see how she copes without you. Sometimes people when left feeling abandoned do change their tune. But for your own sanity, you need to start removing yourself when she begins to put you down. You aren't her battering ram. This can mentally scar you for the rest of your life. So yeah, look after yourself because without your own sanity, you're not gonna be in any position to help anyone.

    Cancer does not give anyone carte blanche to abuse as they wish. Even reaching out to Macmillan or your local Maggies centre may be an option. They will deal with this regularly.

  • Offline in reply to ProfBaw

    Thank you. 

    I really love my mum and at times she has been absolutely incredible. Equally she has been awful to cope with and is a very complex person. I am going to Phyllis tuckwell in a few weeks on my own for an open day and will ask to spk with a counsellor. 

  • Offline in reply to Daughter_in_distress

    Aw I'm so sorry to read this , unacceptable as it is now and before she is probably petrified and because she was always like this finds it hard to be anything else now hun , don't take it personally , I've had cancer and chemo etc and now my partner has stage 4 so palliative . It's so scary there's no getting ready for this , she us struggling as much as you are , you obviously know her very well so don't take it personally, it's sooooo *** and difficult and terrible and unbelievable xx be who you are like she is xxx you will know what's right for both of you , which  may be 100 % different than others xx take care.xx no way is the ok way it's your way that matters xxxxx

  • Offline in reply to Tydu

    My heart goes out to you.  This is my first post on this site and I'm strangely relieved that others are experiencing the same emotional rollercoaster I'm trying to deal with.  My wife of 40 years, who I love very dearly, was diagnosed with chordoma almost 3 years ago and has run out of treatment options.  Her last hope is a clinical trial in the hope that it may slow things down and give us a little more time with her.  The down side of the trial is that the side effects are quite severe.  Consequently, it's increasingly difficult to move on with the 'bucket list' we have drawn up.  I have no problem caring for her and keeping the home running but I'm really struggling with my wife's mood swings which are getting worse by the week.  I totally understand the terrible fear, anger, grief, etc she is experiencing and that she is not intentionally hurtful towards me but it seems I almost have two wives.  The one who our family and friends see, brave, strong, well tempered and still determined to enjoy whatever time she may have left, and the one I get to cope with. A tired, frightened and fragile lady who is. as is often the case, taking it all out on the one closest to her.  In her more rational moments she will sometimes apologise but that doesn't help me very much because I know we'll go through it all again tomorrow. I really don't feel she has anything to apologise for, it's the cancer and treatment to blame, so I try my best to remember that.

    To help me cope, I try to keep busy to make sure all of the household chores she is unable to do get done so she has more time to do what she really enjoys and that helps in the short term.  But, that has backfired a bit because she now spends most of the time when she's feeling well enough on days out with her very supportive friends and doesn't have anything left for quality time with me.  The most worrying thing is that she can sometimes stay in bed all day with, apparently, no energy at all, but invariably find plenty if friends invite her out at short notice.  I've planned so many days out that haven't actually happened because my wife has been so agressive when I've asked her what time she'll be ready to go.  So I try to just let her take as much time as she needs and let anyone who we've arranged to meet know that the time needs to be flexible.  It takes longer for my wife to do her makeup, etc. than it used to.

    We have started a mindfulness course with our local hospice which helps a little (and I would fully recommend) and that's something you could do alone or with your Mum.  It's helped me so much on those days (and there are a lot of them) when I'm constantly on the verge of tears.  There are different exercises that you could try,  Try to get your Mum to go along though.  It sometimes helps if you can hear them talking to others about things she may not feel comfortable talking to you about in a one to one.

    I know, deep down, that my wife still loves me very much and is grateful for everything I do for her but it is heartbreaking to accept that whatever precious time we have left together is going to continue like this.  I try to bite my tongue and not react when she goes off on one but let her get it out of her system.  Not always easy but I find sometimes going for a walk or drive to clear your head before going home and putting the kettle on helps.

    Good luck.

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