Terminally ill husband

Hi, nearly five years ago my husband had stage 4 base of tongue cancer he also had a lump in his neck.  He had radical radiotherapy but no chemo due to his age he was eighty.  Five weeks ago he went for routine appointment and a lump had reappeared in the same place,  He has had biopsy etc., and the cancer is in operable.  We are going tomorrow to see onocologist to see what they can suggest.  The tumour is near the main artery.  I only know this as I have spoken to his consultant, I was chasing up results.  I keep crying although not infront of my husband but infront of my daughters.I feel I should hold it together for them and feel guilty.  My daughter in laws mother told me I should be brave but I do not feel brave,  I have been married for 45 years and just feel as if I am grieving even though my husband is still here. Really struggling.

  • Hey jcalve

    Bless you. You must be beside yourself x

    No words of wisdom , I am afraid, only to say this is the worst part, the waiting. But, you know, you've been there before and got through it, so you'll BOTH get through it this time, whatever the result x

    Being married 45 years is an absolute lifetime, he is everything to you. As for being brave, well easier said than done. With my husbands diagnosis and all that followed, I came to the conclusion that there is no such thing as 'dealing' with it or being 'brave'. I always wondered what being 'brave' actually looks and feels like. It is one of those things like' how are you coping'!!!!!. My mental answer to that was always 'how do ********* think!

    Emotions are a strange old thing and if you've both reached your 80's then you will have experienced a fair share of life's ups and downs. I think the only way to look at it is you feel the way you do simply because you do. If you want to cry, cry, if you want to scream or laugh, do it.

    Us human creatures are complex things and any emotion is fine. Other people bless them try to 'help', but they can't really as they are not in your head , feeling what you do x

    Don't be 'brave', just be YOU.

    take care and best wishes

    Hilts

  • Thank you so much for your reply you made me smile and that takes something at the moment.  We went for the appointment today and they keep an eye on things and start pallative radiotherapy when they feel he will get the most benefit.  At least now I know where we are going and you are right I feel better today.  Also my husband is quite calm about it all .  I think the only way to get through this is to take each good day as a bonus xxx