Hi everyone... 

I dont know what I am gaining from writing in here but im really struggling today.

Mum was diagnosed with bladder cancer in November 2020.

Since then its been ups and downs and false hopes and crushed dreams. I'm 25 and I have a 27 year old sister and 17 year old brother. Mum is only 53. 

Its just been so *** and I hate the whole world right now... I've been so strong the whole way through but she was put on the emergency ward yesterday and I feel like I've crumbled... she looks so frail and she's lost so much weight, she doesn't seem herself at all and I'm really scared that she is approaching the end of this.. I've lost all hope and I'm trying so hard not to let my dad or siblings or family see that but my friends husband had the same cancer and he was 32, he was fine until he was in hospital and picked up infections and he passed away last month.

My mind won't stop buzzing and I'm so scared that she's going to become worse being in hospital. 

The visiting restrictions are one person, for one hour per day so we can't even see her really ... 

I just feel so lost and helpless and I dont know what to do.

Just a rant that I hate everything right now