Hi,

I have referred to the person close to me as my 'loved one', as I love him but can't be sure that he loves me. In September 2021 we started messaging daily after being online friends for a couple of years. He had been through kidney and bladder cancers by then, and also had a small growth in his lung which was being monitored but too small for treatment. He was always funny and kind, but I found myself quickly falling for him as we chatted over the next couple of months. In November he came up to see me for my birthday and we had a wonderful almost 3 days together.

The week after we met up, he had a scan which showed a growth near his remaining kidney, and from there everything just seemed to unravel. It got to the point where I wasn't allowed to 'hug' him by text at night, or do or say anything beyond light trivial conversation. He totally changed, one day asking me, "What do you think you are?" when I asked if he had moved on with someone else. I replied that I didn't think I was anything, because that's what I felt like - nothing to him. If I mentioned something emotional, he would say I had one chance to explain myself then he wanted to hear no more about it. When I pointed out he was a lot nicer to our other friends than he was to me, he said, "Ridiculous to complain about me being sociable with people I've known a lot longer than you."  It was as if, on every count, I had to be wrong or made to feel inadequate.

He now refuses to meet me at all or message me privately, and says he wants to be 'single to the end'. The only thing I can do for him is try to be supportive on the online site where we met. He will accept generic public messages on there, but I can't get over him like he wants me to. It's as if things barely had a chance to even happen before it was all taken away. I've made it plain that I wasn't going anywhere and that he didn't need to protect me from what was coming, but this is what he says he is doing. I know I have to accept his choice, but it's breaking me. It must sound really selfish - it's actually worse for me knowing that he wants to pass away when the time comes without me ever being able to see or touch him again. I feel devastated by his mean comments and robbed of the chance to be there for him. Apparently his most recent former girlfriend ran back to her ex after four months and this is why he says 'no more' now. It's hard to understand why he even came to see me given all that. I keep thinking about her wasted chance, a chance I will never have.

I can't imagine how he must be feeling, although he won't talk about his own emotions either, only factual details about his hospital visits and procedures. The only one that is always visible is anger. In general he would rather rant about a useless email he has received than say how he really feels. Thank you to anyone who reads this. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it as I'm not really a partner as such, or a spouse. In truth I feel like a nobody, although he has acknowledged in the past that I have always been very supportive and helpful to him.