Elderly mum does not live near me

My mum who is 80 was diagnosed with bladder cancer just before Christmas. She lives on her own and I am now her only daughter (my sister passed away 16yrs ago). I don't live near her (150 miles away). I have my own family and a demanding job, often working weekends. She is frail and at the moment housebound but wants to maintain her independence. I have asked her to consider moving closer to me -i respect at the moment she doesn't want to. She has a large elderly dog who she dotes on and is her reason for staying in her home. I found local cleaning, shopping, dog walking services- all of which she turned down.

I spend hours trawling through care home/residential/supportive living homes websites hyperthetically wondering if she would like to live in one of them. Financially she would need to sell her home to fund a place. I am.unable to clarify though, if she was to move closer to me would we need to sell her home first or could a contract be drawn up where once her house is sold we would transfer funds? Also, any advice on how to support a relative who doesn't live close by would be appreciated. I am riddled with guilt and anxiety not being near her.

Thanks in anticipation of any responses

J.C

  • I found myself in a very similar situation, 150 miles away from a 90-yr-old Mum and dealing with my own cancer. She had had a couple of strokes and was housebound, suddenly living on her own.

    First thing to do is make your Mum accept that she will need some level of help sooner or later. She will be dealing with age and her illness, including any side effects from her treatment. Next thing to do will be get that help organised, if only at a very minimum level, because it is a lot easier to ramp it up as required than it is to set up in the first place. Acceptance first, then admin.

    Elderly care in the home varies wildly in cost and quality. Best quality and value for money will be from your Mum's local council - they will have a social care department. Typically they will assess your Mum's needs and recommend a care package to meet those needs. In my Mum's case, a carer popped round for 30 minutes at a time for breakfast, lunch and tea-time to make the meals, do the washing up, make sure Mum had taken her meds, and check on her overall condition. There was also a weekly dust or vacuum around the house to keep it clean and safe, and a service to get Mum to her hospital appointments and home again. Oh, and if any gadgets are needed around the house (perching stools, toilet frame, fall alarm, etc) the council will provide them too. Way better than trying to go private.

    Care from the council is means tested, so your Mum may or may not have to pay. If she does, then her state pension should include an attendance allowance which will go a long way to offsetting that cost. And if, like me, you're a tad phobic with form-filling no worries, the social care dept should even help with that too.

    Hope this helps, and good luck.
    Steve

  • Hi Steve

    Thank you so.much for your advice. It does feel very overwhelming at the moment. I like being in control of situations and am the one in the family who always seems to find the solutions...However this one has knocked me for six.

    I don't know the timescale of the scenario you shared with me, but I hope you are recovering well and your mum got the care she required. 

    Jessica