Cancer Research UK main site
  • Replies 3 replies
  • Views 338 views
  • Users 0 members are here

Terminally ill father - angry at my counsellor

intothewoodland
Offline

Hello everyone,

I just want to preface this by saying that, in general, counselling has been massively helpful and I don't want to put anyone off it, if they're on the fence. But for those of you who understand counselling and grief better than I do, I do have some questions please :)

My dad was diagnosed with glioblastoma last year. Opted out of surgery, tried a bit of radio, now on palliative care. He's in his 70s (I'm 32) so life expectancy was given at around 7 months, about 8 months ago..

I was abroad for work (permanently) so quit my job last year and returned 'home'. I moved to the city where my parents are based and have jumped around various temporary rentals ever since. I've managed to get a job 4 days a week, which was a big step down career wise and I'm frequently having to swallow my pride, but it's worth it to be here and have flexibility.

I sought counselling last summer as I don't have other close family and so didn't have anyone to talk to. Broadly, she has been good, helping me to negotiate various tricky situations and find practical solutions.

However, before all this, I was deeply career driven. I had just secured a promotion I had been working towards for a few years and felt like I would soon 'arrive' (ha..). I've mentioned to my counsellor a few times that I have a growing sense of agitation and restlessness at doing a job I could have done a decade ago. It really affects my sense of self in a way that probably suggests I was/am too obsessed with my career.

She frequently advises me against doing anything new, like going freelance, joining a further education course, asking for a promotion, starting a business etc. Her reasons are that my 'father is dying' (she seems to love these words - why?!) so I need to focus on him and do not have the 'mental or emotional capacity for more responsibility right now' (her words).

In a way, this makes me feel like a selfish and scolded child. I know what she's getting at, of course. But I feel like all the value has been stripped from my life and I just want to find some way to feel some meaning again.

Otherwise I am just waiting for the inevitable and getting more and more down about life.

Am I selfish/going mad?

  • Offline

    Hiya - at 32 you are quite entitled to have career ambitions and hats off to you for putting these on hold for your family.  

    I know nothing about counselling, but it sounds to me as if this lady is suggesting appropriate decisions for your situation (in her opinion).  It's up to you what option you take and when.  Great ideas by-the-way.    Self worth is important.   Doing a job which is not at the appropriate level brings it's own challenges.   Could you offer some mentoring to your employer perhaps ie upskill your role?  What would you really like to do, if money was no object?  

    Does your work know your situation?  Most employers will be quite flexible when families have caring responsibilities - indeed I think there is a legal obligation on them to do so.  

    I don't have any answers - I'm 52 and at the end of my career.  I will finish work in 2022 because of my kidney cancer diagnosis and work just isn't important any more.  

    Sending hugs.  I can see where you are coming from and you're definitely not going mad or selfish.  

    Claire

  • Offline in reply to Me_

    I too am no expert on counselling, but my understanding is that a counsellor's role is to help you make decisions for yourself, not to impose any agenda of their own or tell you what to do. Whether to spend more time with your father or to spend more time developing your career or to balance both is your decision and my understanding is that a counsellor should be asking you stuff like "how would you feel if this were to limit the amount of time you could spend with your father?," "what do you see as the advantages and disadvantages of starting this?"  and so on, not telling you what your priorities should be. 

    Of course, you do not have to take her advice. If you want to do the further education course or apply for the promotion and her objections do not resonate with you and you don't think it would be too much stress for you or cause you a lot of guilt or whatever, then you have every right to ignore her advice and go ahead anyway. As I understand it, her role is to help you decide what is right for you, not to be an authority. Perhaps she is just raising objections that she wants you to think about rather than saying "you shouldn't do it because..." I don't know, I wasn't there, but could that be a possibility?

    Either way, you are not selfish or going mad. Your ideas sound valid to me and I don't think the fact your father is dying means that you shouldn't even think about anything else in your life. It's really a case of how much you can cope with and only you can really decide that. She is there to support you, but she can't really make decisions for you.

  • Offline

    I'd reiterate what everybody else has said in that a counsellor is there to advise but not to direct you. After all aspects are weighed up, do whatever you feel you lean towards the most. But what I would say is that unless your job field is extremely highly contested, I would not worry about taking time out to look more towards family for a bit. The number of employers that would look negatively upon this is vanishly small and for the vast majority of places is an absolute minor consideration.

     

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.