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How can I help my kids? Their mum has stage 4 breast cancer

JamesDadof2
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Hi,

I'm a dad of 2 teenagers, 16 and 17 who's mum, my ex wife was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer 18 months ago. I have always made sure I see them every week, since we split 13 years ago and I try to be as close as I can to my kids, as well as their mum and her husband.

She had always had servere anxiety and depression, which my kids learnt to understand and deal with, but since her diagnosis, understandably it has got worse. She has though recently returned to work, when we'll enough, and is and has always been a great mum so please don't think im suggesting otherwise. However, over the last few months from speaking to my kids individually, they both seem to feel isolated, can't do anything right and they are becoming depressed and anxious too.

They seem to both be taking it in very different ways, one just focuses constantly on schoolwork/exams, says she is fine, and the other is going through so much in her own teenage journey, and everything she has missed out on due to covid and now not only knows she doesn't have long left with her mum, but sounds like she is beginning to not want to spent time with her because of how she is. It does sound like my ex doesn't engage much either.

It's heartbreaking to see, and I have no idea how to address it. My ex is going through something I can't imagine so I can't speak to her about how it's making the kids feel, but when I say to my daughter that mum is going through a lot, and with her anxiety anyway, to not push her, my daughter won't understand and thinks she will stick up for herself and its pushing them apart. 

I genuinely have no idea who to get advice from, and have wanted to get something for quite a while and found this forum. I'm sorry if it's not relevant, but if anyone has any guidance I can take or how I can best support my kids please let me know. 

Many thanks in advance 

 

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     So sorry to hear what you're going through. Teenagers will deal with it in their own way like you said. And it's understandable with how your ex wife is feeling. If you feel like you can't approach her if you're worried about the right / wrong thing to say maybe her husband could speak to her if you spoke to him about it. I'm 27. My dad has been given six months to live and I'm trying to be around him as much as possible. But he is depressed and extremely bad tempered which also made me not want to be there because of how he's being but Iv had to bite my tongue and look at it from his perspective. If you're close to your kids maybe see if they'll open up to you about how they're feeling and you can explain to their mum. Maybe their mum feels isolated too because they're not really engaging much with her. So maybe that's the reason she's down too. Maybe she feels like they're not bothering with her either even though that's not the case. It would help if they could all sit down together. Their mum is dealing with a lot and quite honestly will be scared to leave them but it's important she stays strong and has positive support around her. Sending love and positivity I know it can be difficult but being close with them like you said you are will help more than you think. 
     

    lauren x

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    Hi James,

    A very warm welcome to our forum.

    I am so sorry to hear of the situation you and your family are experiencing. We all react to grief differently and many of us start to grieve  as soon as we know that the end is near. Have you thought about talking to a counsellor? This could be helpful for both you and your children. There are a number of different ways and places to acces this service. You can make an appointment with a Maggies centre, the Haven or Macmillan. All you need to do is to phone your local centre to make an appointment. There will also be other services local to you, which your GP or your wife's cancer team will be able to point you too. There should also be a counselling service abailable through your children's school. 

    It is not unusual for people  with cancer to be depressed, afraid and to lash out at loved ones, even though they don't mean to do this.  A counsellor can give you advice on coping strategies. You might also find it helpful to speak to one of the nurses on this forum for advice. They are available Monday - Friday from 9.00am - 5.00pm. Their number is 0808 800 4040.

    I do hope that you manage to get some helpful advice. Please let us know how you get on.

    We are always here for you.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine xx

     

  • Offline in reply to Jolamine

    Hi JamesDadof2

    Sorry to hear of your situation.  I'm a mum to kids aged 20 and 17 and we (hubby & I) haven't told them yet that I have kidney cancer.  It has spread to my lungs.  I am starting immunotherapy in Jan and we're looking at 5 years.  

    I have a chat with macmillan tomorrow (online video meeting) to bash some ideas around on how to tell them.  I am wondering whether there may be support services for the young people that may help them.  I don't know whether my kids would feel comfortable with it, but it plants a seed now.  Even if they don't want it now, perhaps they will remember in a few years time, when it might really hurt.   

    My daughter (17) has had gripes and struggles with school and frequently comes and talks to me at 11pm about it.  I have found myself reading psychology books to help me know what to say to her.  She is a perfectionist and this is one root cause I have identified.  Sometimes these chats last an hour and I'm at my wits end!    I suggest a solution, and she responds with multiple reasons why it won't work.  Same with next solution.  Frequent tears.  She's 17 and this is about school/uni!!  Sorry, slightly off-topic.   

    I note you said you were talking to them and this is key, I think - encourage them to talk to you lots and lots and try not to present any rationale for the situation but see what they want, explore solutions, perhaps?  You could start by saying what worries you, or just talk about it?

    I'd suggest you need to find a counsellor or cancer support person, to get ideas from, and where to take it next.  You definitely qualify and so do your kids as family of a person impacted by cancer.  

    Good luck and tell us how you get on.    Sorry, I maybe blethered on too long but it's the older teens factor.  I empathise.  These young people are too young to loose their mum.  

    xXx

    Edit - the thing is, the girls will want to remember their mum before BC, not the situation you describe when everyone is anxious and upset :-(

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