I don't know what outcome I am expecting from posting here. I just feel an overwhelming flood of emotions after finding out about my dad's cancer diagnosis, and I need to get everything out, otherwise I fear I'll go mad.  

Yesterday I found out that my dad has gastro oesophageal junction cancer. He had known for six months and hadn't told anybody. We don't know what stage it is or whether it has spread. He was admitted to hospital two days prior for breathing problems, and as I was sorting out his room, I found a letter from the gastroenterology department at his local hospital, confirming a diagnosis. Shockingly, the letter also stated that the specialist team were discharging him from the care pathway as he hadn't been in touch with them to arrange further tests/follow-up. I just feel overwhelmingly shocked, angry, guilt and an immense sense of sadness. 

My father and I have a complicated relationship. He had me when he was 40, after stating to my mother that he didn't want children. I've never felt particularly wanted by my father; he never went to my parent evenings or school plays, never showed much interest in my childhood passions and achievements. Then he had a serious stroke when I was 13 years old, and shortly afterwards, he and my mother separated. I became a naughty kid (I.e. staying out late, hanging out with people I shouldn't have been) and his family often blamed me for causing the stress that led to his stroke. I went through my teenage years believing that I had caused my fathers illness, even though I know now (at the age of 30) that it was most likely caused by the 40-a-day smoking habit, car-based job, and terrible diet.

After his stroke, my father became different, sometimes violent, which I reciprocated on more than one occasion. During this time, my mum and I also experienced domestic violence from my brother, who is one year younger (but a lot bigger). It was a terrible time and I can't say any of us have ever healed from it. 
 

Fortunately, as I got older, my dad and I learned to forgive each other and our relationship began to heal; when I was away at university, he would drive me back from London to the seaside town I lived in, and he also taught me to drive when I was 25. Nonetheless, the fractures within our relationship remained, in part due to challenging relationships amongst the other family members living at home. Though we have remained civil within the last five years, sadly, we've often gone for months without speaking. Within the last year we've seen each other only a handful of times; and this is only when I visit my family home to see my mother, who I am very close to. 

And now to the present day. My father explained to me yesterday, as I visited his hospital bed, that he didn't tell anyone about his cancer as he "didn't think anybody would care". All the old feelings of guilt, self-blame and anger have resurfaced. If I'd had made more effort throughout the years, would he have realised that there is someone who would want to help him and be by his side? If his cancer is terminal, is this my fault? I also feel such anger towards my mum and brother who have been far more unkind to my dad in the past five years. I know that all these thoughts are unhelpful, but they have plagued my mind for the last 48 hours. I either feel completely numb or extremely tearful, struggling to eat, and I am absolutely dreading Christmas. 
 

I just feel so alone in my thoughts, and it would help knowing that there is just one person out there who understands.