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Losing my marriage

KatyE
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Anyone have any ideas? I've been with my husband since I was 15 and now I'm 50. He was diagnosed with late Stage 3 bowel cancer in 2018. Had surgery with a stoma, 6 months of chemotherapy and a stoma reversal. Now 3years NED. Since his treatment we have had minimal physical contact; not just sex but ANY contact. No kissing or hugs etc. Everything is in working order, he just says he doesn't know why, but he just doesn't feel like it any more. I feel so selfish with everything he has been through, but I just don't feel like we have a marriage anymore, and I feel like I've given up on 'us'. He refuses to talk to anyone about what's happened and I feel like cancer has won. I'm crying whilst I write this because I want what we had back but im scared it's gone forever. Any ideas?

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    Hi. I really feel for you. It sounds like you are grieving for the past and it might be helpful to have counselling to work through that and decide where you go from here. It is unfair of your husband to not consider your needs. It could be that he is depressed. Unfortunately having something like cancer does change you. You will never be the same as before but perhaps a trip to the GP or couples counseling could be the way forward. It's awful to have no physical contact with someone you love but I wonder if you are scared to think about what may happen if things with your husband don't improve - as in if you separated - how would you survive? Being with someone from such a young age can mean that you haven't explored being your own person so perhaps this is an opportunity to reassess and think about what you want. I've been there myself - nostalgia and desperately wishing for things to be different but at some point we need to accept the reality of how things are now in order to decide how to move forward x

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    Hello and thank you for posting

    Having a cancer diagnosis has a huge impact on family and relationships and I'm sorry that things have been so tough since your husband's treatment.

    Some people will manage to get to live a 'new normal' life but it can be difficult to get back to how things were before treatment.

    Jo.bs has sent a good response , but as I'm sure you are aware, there aren't any easy answers to this situation. For some, it's achievable by going to counselling as has been suggested, alone if necessary, as it may help you with dealing and coping with this situation - as well as being scared of the future I can imagine you may well be angry too with how things have changed.

    Your husband isn't unusual in responding in this way - cancer and the treatments he has had, especially the stoma and eventual reversal, will have hugely affected his way of coping and attitude to relationships.

    Although he may not want to talk to you about it, it can be easier talking to someone outside the family. Perhaps try encouraging him (and I'm sure you already have) in calling or posting on a confidential helpline to hear how others are trying to deal with things post treatment. That could be here at Cancer Research UK or Bowel Cancer UK  There are also forums to read and people's experiences online.

    Finally, the following website Shine Cancer Support may be helpful to you or to both of you , as it talks people through videos on how cancer has affected peoples sex lives and how to talk to partners about this difficult topic. 

    Do give us a call if you would like to talk any of this through -  the number to call is Freephone 0808 800 4040 and the lines are open from 9am till 5pm Monday to Friday.

    All the best to you

    Wanda

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