im unable to cope with cancer.

The surgeon told me yesterday the only way to cure my bowel cancer if for me to have an operation to remove all my bowel and rectum and put a bag on. I dont wont wont to have a bag i never have. i grow up with children and people around me having bags. I know what problems they had with them. I asked him if i didn't have the operation how long would i have left to live he said its hard to tell. If i don't wont the operation ive to let him know. That in itself made me feel so rejected anf just a pound sign on a peice of meat. Having adhd autism mental health fear of hospitals and any thing connected to it. I instantly wonted to end my life and still do. Im traumatised by it all like i have been ever since i was told i had it about 5 months ago. My gp the hospital cancer team are no surport at all. They make it much more traumatising for me. My gp keeps saying they haven't said you have cancer you don't have cancer. I keep telling her they have said and i do hae cancer. She write on my medical record been told she has cancer? She doesn't believe i have because she cant understand the hosptial letters from the cancer consultant and the cancer surgeon. I got nerve damage from the hosptial aneatherist cannulising me she didn't wont to admit it was from the aneartherist.

I cant write anymore it's traumtising. I just wont to end my life through it all. I don't wont to live with the cancer getting worse and what that physically will be like. I don't wont to live with a bag that would kill the rest of me off. It is suicide in itself not being able to live with that and what it would change in the way of diet not been able to do things with having one on. Seeing the stump poking out your tummy where the stoma bag fit's too thats too distressing for me to even look at someone with it. Im too terrifeid to have an operation. The surgeon told me he couldn't operate without giving me a bag. The surgeon and the cancer team and the gp its them with the problems not me. Its them that are far too inadequate to help me or support me.Your the only people that i can go to to get some some help so far.

I have to go. There's too much traumatisation to carry on at the moment.