- I am not sure where to start as it's something that has really affected me since my Dad died a few years ago now. . Yes he was old but it was the quick succession of events in his last 24 hours that I am reliving daily and have for 5 years now. My husband and I stayed his last night with him in hospital and he was rambling and restless all night. He said he wanted to go home...I said you can't just yet Dad as the doctors are helping you I should have not said that. He was given some medication I found out later to help him with pain and discomfort. In the morning I asked him if he would like a sip of tea and he did have a sip.Hr was drifting and sleeping.His eyes were closed all of the time.About a couple of hours later my husband had to go home to see to our dog and I stayed with Dad on my own. Although I am a nurse( babies) I was terrified. My sister's were travelling to see Dad and I was on my own.there.I asked Dad if he wanted a sip of water ( he pushed the swabs away.so I didn't want to use them) I thought I saw him nod yes and although his eyes were still closed only a couple of hours earlier he had had a sip of tea. He had been laid flat by nursing staff whilst my husband and I were out of his room. I just raised the head end of his bed and dribbled a little water into his mouth as it was so dry. I was talking to him quietly about it being such a beautiful morning and then he just was gurgling loudly. I said Dad you must swallow the water but he couldn't. I didn't know what to do . I went out of his room to get help but there were not staff about. I went back to Dad and he was still gurgling loudly. He was completely as if he was asleep but gurgling. I didn't know what to literally a few mins later he just stopped breathing. I ran out terrified and Staff came in and said it wasn't my fault as Dad was actively dying.I feel to this day that I hastened his death with the water I gave him to help him feel more comfortable. I can't get the gurgling or how I saw Dad at his moment of death from my mind ,that and the sense it was my fault he died just haunts me. Professional staff said I didn't hasten Dad's death as it was imminent. I just tried to help him.I was just on my own in most dreadful moment of my life. I know my Dad would be so cross at me for the guilt I carry . It's such a heavy guilt.
