Hi,

I'm very sorry for the loss of your mum. I lost my father nearly two years ago, shortly after a cancer re-occurance. My dad's only symptom was back pain, he went to the GP, physio and was told it was age (he was 70). When it didn't improve I encouraged him to get a scan done which we had to do privatley as it wasnt offered by the drs and it showed metastatic cancer spread to the bones. My dad had cancer two years prior and doctors were checking for localised reoccurrence and we werw told he was all clwar. He wasn't having regular scans though as this was not common practice for his type of cancer.

My dad died 8 weeks after we got the scan results and for months afterwards i wondered if there was anything that i could have been done and I was angry that the back pain wasn't taken more seriously by doctors. The truth is, it wouldn't have made any difference, by the time my dad had the pain and it showed up on the scan, the cancer was there and it had spread. When the cancer is advanced and has spread so much there is often only treatment to extend life but the person also has to be fit for treatment, which my dad wasn't. 

It's a very normal part of the grief process to second guess everything and to wonder if things could have been different. My dad's doctor said cancer is the great pretender.  It sounds like you were a great support for your mum and I hope this brings you comfort in time.

Xx

Hi Lulu86 , thank you for your reply and for opening up about your story. I’m very sorry to hear about the loss of your father, my deepest condolences to you.

I’m sorry to hear with your dad it wasn’t picked up by the GP, and that he had to get a scan done privately. I can understand the what ifs that were affecting you, and the horrible feeling when you place blame on yourself, but you were encouraging him to get a scan done which is a huge thing. If you didn’t do that, you wouldn’t have got the diagnosis in the first place. You did right by him and were a great support and advocate for him. Hopefully that has dawned on you since then.

Thank you for your kind words, I’m glad you think I did that for my Mum. I loved her dearly. Hopefully the idea that I was a support for her will sink in in time and provide comfort. Thank you for opening up about what happened to you, and for your advice and kind words. It helps getting a thought which has been plaguing me so much out there and hearing other people’s perspective on things, so thank you for your help and words of comfort.

Hi Sarah,

Thank you for your reply and for your kind words. Your condolences and advice are greatly appreciated.

Thank you for your thoughts on all of this. It’s really helpful to get another person’s opinion on this, especially a CRUK Nurse like yourself. Has been running through my head a lot so helps to hear what you think about it.

Thank you also for your advice about bereavement support, and for also mentioning the helpline number. If I do need support and advice it helps to know I can turn to either of these.

Thank you very much again for your advice and kind words, take care of yourself too.