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Ex has cancer mid divorce

Ridingthewaves
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Hello,

I am struggling, myself and my husband of 14 years (we were together 20) seperated in March, we have two boys 11 and 14. We'd started the divorce but he was diagnosed with cancer in September. He's had chemoradiotherapy which has just finished. The trouble is I don't even know how bad it is as he will barely talk to me about it. He just came round one night and went up to my eldest's room and told the boys without telling me first (the eldest doesn't want to live with him at all) which is so sad as they were upset and I didn't know what was going on, he then told me the basics before leaving but when I saw him the other day he looks terrible. He can barely talk and has a neck collar and has lost lots of weight. What I know so far is he has tonsil cancer, 3 tumours, one over 4cm, one tonsil was removed, he said it was in his lymph nodes, he's in self medicating morphine but is still driving which he tells me is fine. I want to help him but he won't let me which I respect but im but happy him driving my youngest about on morphine. He dismisses anything I say, he's always been very controlling and selfish and I don't want to stress him out as am not a bad person but im worried about his ability to look after my youngest. He isn't telling anyone anything so I can't ask his family as he's telling everyone much less than I've heard and that he'll be fine after treatment. I asked Macmillan for a leaflet on how to help the children through it and am going to get him one too as he didn't ask them for one. He's told the boys he's going to be fine after treatment which hopefully he will but I'm not sure what to do. I'm torn between not stressing him out further as he's going through enough to wanting to make sure my child is safe which is my highest priority. I've offered to help him with lifts to appointments and anything he doesn't have many friends but he just wants me to butt out. I know we're mid divorce and he's very bitter (nobody else involved I was just so unhappy and the household was toxic with him there, the children are so much happier now he's moved out) can anyone tell me, am I being too demanding of him by asking him to keep me informed? Or do I have a right to know? It's just the boys I want to protect and people have told me he shouldn't be driving on morphine.

  • Hello and thank you for your post.

    I am sorry to hear about your ex-husband's diagnosis of tonsil cancer and I can appreciate your concern.

    I'm afraid that I cannot tell you if he is safe to be driving. Taking morphine can sometimes affect your ability to drive but not always. It will depend on the dose given and how it affects the person taking it. So you need to find out if he has checked this out with his doctor or nurse, if he has not he has to do this. I would also do this, before you allow your child to be in the car with him. If you have concern about him possibly driving dangerously then you can report him to the police on 101 or the DVLA. The government has information about this on their website here  and we have some useful information about driving and cancer on our wesbite here 

    You ask if you have right to know everything about his cancer and how it is affecting him, for example his prognosis (how long he may live for). My understanding is that no one has a right to this information if it affects an adult with a sound mind. However, because he is talking with your children about this you do need to know what is being said so that you can support them in the best way. I think if you have concerns about this that you do talk to your ex-husband and ask if you can be present. I also think that it might also be useful to know that what you want to know is not necessarily what he wants to talk about.   

    It might also be mindful to know that having chemoradiotherapy for tonsil cancer can be a rough treatment and can have side effects that can affect people's ability to swallow and eat, it could cause pain and sickness as well as fatigue. There is also a risk of infection that can make people very unwell. You can read more about the treatments for tonsil cancer on our website here 

    Your ex husband's prognosis will be based upon the stage of the cancer (how big and if it has spread) , the grade (how fast growing it is)  and how the successful the treatment is as well as how well and fit the person is.  

    If you have not already done this then please do let the schools know what your children are going through. This could be a very uncertain time for them.  The school will be able to support them too.  It's good to know you have some information about Macmillan about this.  You may also want to look at the information about supporting children when a parent has cancer from a charity called the Fruit Fly Collective, you can see their website here  www.fruitflycollective.com/help

    This must be a very difficult time for you, so I hope you have some support. Please get back to us if you need any more information or support.  You may find it helpful to talk things through with one of the nurses on our helpline.  The number to call is Freephone 0808 800 4040 and the lines are open from 9am till 5pm Monday to Friday.

    Take care,

    Caroline

  • Offline in reply to CRUK Nurse Caroline

    Thank you so much, do I have the right to ask his doctors/team about his dose as all he'll say to me is 'my medications have been under control for 8 weeks. I am not drowsy in the morphine therefore I am safe to drive'

    thank you

    Lucy

  • in reply to Ridingthewaves

    Hi Lucy and thanks for getting back in touch,

    You need the permission of your ex husband (the patient) to talk to his doctors and nurses, it's the same for everyone. However the dose of morphine (and any medication) will have a different effect on each person taking it.  So it's not necessarily about the dose but how what is taken affects someone. Also he may only need to take it for a time and not forever.

    Do ask him to check with his cancer team if he is safe to drive and if you have concerns then please follow my advice above. 

    Take care,

    Caroline

  • Offline

    Hi Ridingthewaves,

    This is a very difficult situation and I feel for you.  It resonated with me because I was about to start the process of getting divorced from my husband 5 years ago as we had grown apart (we have 3 children), then he was diagnosed with prostate cancer.  I was hit with a rollercoaster of emotions because I was absolutely devastated for him.  It absolutely flawed me.  I disliked him intensely at the time and yet all I wanted was for him to be ok.  He was ok thankfully after treatment and 5 years on we are still married and much happier.  I can honestly say that if my husband hadn't had the cancer then we would now be divorced.

    Your husband is vulnerable and despite your feelings and what has gone on before, my advice to you would be to try to be strong for him and your children.  Tell him you want to support him despite difficulties in your marriage and separating.  A cancer diagnosis is a very difficult time for everyone in a family.  I hope he comes around to accepting your support.  The children will be worried about their father.

    Wishing you all the best.  It's a very difficult situation for you.  Sending you a hug.

    Mary

  • Offline in reply to marywj

    Thank you Mary, it is such a roller coaster, I feel like I'm just riding the waves every day. I really appreciate your reply it's such an unusual situation there isn't much online to advise me how to deal with it so I'm just trading water and trying to show him I am here if I can help him at all as we were together 20 years and although I don't live him like that anymore he's been a huge part of my life but he just wants me as far away from him as possible at the moment

  • Offline in reply to Ridingthewaves

    I'm so sorry to hear that.  He's obviously struggling and won't be making rational decisions.  So try to talk to him gently.  Despite the sad breakdown in your marriage, he has your children to consider and how any news should be broken to them.  You are their mother and should be fully involved in that.  Sadly when this happens we have to be strong for everyone so look after yourself.  There are always better days ahead.

    Mary x

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