Hello RICEPP584,

                                what an awful position you find yourself in,which points to the truth that cancer does not only affect its victim.

Its clear from your post that your "other half", deliberate description since he has migrated away from the position of husband, is raging against his predicament and has in no way accepted or come to terms with it, with his only response being to lash out at everything close to him.Seeking an outlet for blame with no obvious candidate in sight to pin it upon,everything becomes and is a target. It takes a time to realise there is no blame, just your own passage through life, how you deal with it is what really counts

If true to form it will not be to others such as nurses ect who treat him where he will retain a circumspect measure of respect and control.

What really needs to happen is that he needs some sessions of counselling from an outsider who can point out that using his nearest and dearest as his frustration outlet is just as unfair as his condition and threatens to make his own position even more bitter and twisted

How you can achieve this to come about is the difficulty,but l would suggest you start talking to his medical team making them aware that mentally he is not coping with the outcome of his illness or the damaging issues that are not being addressed

l would also get yourself over to your nearest  Maggies centre where they offer some well needed support to the hardest hit of this horrid invader, the closest bystanders.In an ideal world your husband would really benefit from the peaceful sanctury their centres offer and advice and support in a place where your mind is willing to listen and absorb changing and slowing down the runaway carnage of suicidal destruction that currently rules

Hopefully they can help you understand how you yourself can control and step away from emotional distress and avoid the most damaging detrimental effects, its so important for you to be able to do so, and retain the clear vision you need to support yourself and your children

Oh yes,l had trod that path some years back, and the pain for my wife is something to my lasting regret is something l cannot erase from her memory. It was never done intentionally, more a lack of clear mind to appreciate the destruction and consequences caused.

Stage 4 bowel cancer with spread to liver saw me hanging over the abyss,l pulled back to safety, largely l feel because l learnt to accept and cope with my position and reduced my personal stress which physically  gave my body a fighting chance to repel and repair,and mentally calmed my outlook  and actions towards my closest relationship.

l am not sure if the reading of this post might in some way help your other half understand and realise the scenary he has created around himself, and l would always answer any reply he sent if he felt that l might be able to address his raging comment that nobody understands if they have not had it,  and help in any way l could. Its a horrible place he exists in currently but the answer to the way out is not to take his closest ones there with him too,

                                                                 l wish you well,

                                                                                             David

Hello and thank you for posting. I'm sorry you and your family are going through this.

It must be so hard to see someone change in personality when they are struggling with something. And your experience isn't unusual. Others on the forum may come back with their own experiences of dealing with a loved one who is struggling with the diagnosis, you may hear more if you post in the 'caring for someone with cancer' section.

This is something that will hopefully will pass, but in all relationships it is ok to have boundaries and decide what is and isn't acceptable to you.

Everyone deals with their cancer diagnosis and its treatments in different ways, and it can be incredibly hard to cope with. Sometimes people behave selfishly or badly because they feel threatened or frightened.  I am not sure if this could have anything to do with your husband's behaviour. I've placed here a link to coping with mental health and cancer section.

I wonder if your husband has a specialist nurse (CNS) who you could talk to. Or if you feel you could at all talk to him about talking to someone. I hope you have other family or friend support that you can turn to. We have some information on how look after yourself here.

I hope this is of some use. If you want to talk things through with one of the nurses on our helpline.  The number to call is Freephone 0808 800 4040 and the lines are open from 9am till 5pm Monday to Friday.

Take care, 

Sarah.