Cancer Research UK main site

My boyfriend dumped me when he got cancer

Jaybum
Offline

My boyfriend finished with me after we got very close. We both have lost parents not to cancer he lost his wife a year ago but he said he was ready. He said I was the love of his life . When he go cancer I wanted to help him though it . But three weeks into his treatment he changed towards me he got Distant . And I thought then wanted to end it . I asked him and he said no it's ok so I thought until his next lot of chemo .In between this we did get intimate so I thought he still wanted me then he dropped the bomb shell that his feelings have changed and he was missing his dead wife and wasn't ready for a relationship. He still wants me in his life but as friends I am heartbroken. What do I do . I told him I will be there for him . Do you think he will ever love me again. He said he adores me .

  • Offline

    Could be one of two things. Some people just distance themselves as to save the other person's emotions. I know that can make little sense, because you're already hurting because of his actions, but people do, do it. Second thing, and maybe the more plausible scenario, he just needs to get his own head around his diagnosis, and doesn't need the added pressure of dealing with someone else's feelings/emotions.

    The fact he lost his wife is also a major thing. and kinda ties in with the first scenario i gave. He remembers the emotions he went through, and maybe still is, and in turn wants to protect you.

    Either way, all you can do is give him space and see if he comes round again. Not guaranteed that he will, but it's all you can do unfortunately.

  • Offline

    As already mentioned, there could be more than one reason for your boyfriend to behave in this way.

    My thoughts are that his cancer diagnosis has triggered the worry of his own mortality. This is one of the first things that a newly diagnosed patient will focus on and is personal to them. Couple that with the fact that he lost his wife a year ago and it will make his own mortality even more worrying. 

    It's natural to want to help him through this but he knows that you can't understand how he feels unless the same is happening to you or anyone else close to him, so he chooses to deal with it on his own.

    It's good that he still wants you in his life, if only as a friend at the moment. From my perspective, as a cancer patient, I think that it's best to take everything at his pace - let him know you are there for him and hopefully he will work through this stage of his feelings and will become close to you again in his own time. 

    I wish you both well and I hope you become close again,

    Angie (Stage 3 melanoma patient since 2009)

  • Offline in reply to AngieT

    Thank you Angle T . It has helped me under stand more about what he's going though ii can;t imagine what must being going though his mind all the time at the moment.

  • Offline in reply to ProfBaw

    Thank you ProfBaw, It's been hard to know what to do the best.what you said rellly helped.

  • Hello and thanks for your post,

    I am sorry to hear about your situation. I can understand that you want to support him as best you can whilst he is going through his treatment for cancer.

    He is probably coming to terms with his cancer and the side effects of treatment and if he has recently lost his wife he sounds like he has got a lot on his plate.

    I would give him some space if that is what he wants but let him know that you understand and are there if he wants to get in touch.

    We do have some information on coping with your emotions when you have cancer so you can see the different emotions that he may be battling at the moment. Have a look here 

    I hope that this helps.

    Take Care

    Catherine

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.