Hi Duck

The benefit of this forum is that you can be free to share your innermost thoughts without feeling judged and I believe there is no wrong way to feel about things as we all have different personalities and react in different ways  both with cancer diagnosis and life in general.  I know how it feels to try and protect those around you from the reality of what is happening as felt I did this a great deal whilst my hubby was on his cancer journey.  Strangley it was our own daughter (herself a mother) who took me to task about 'not sharing' the facts as she worried more with the not knowing.  As my hubby preferred to not talk about his illness unless it was absolutely necessary (for him) I found out most of the information through his appointments which he eventually allowed me to attend.  I then began telling friends and family the situation but without overloading them.

  The extra support I found from the forum gave me an inner strength I still find hard to fathom especially from those going through cancer themselves.  I will never be able to thank them enough.

The most important thing I learned was to listen to what my hubby wanted us to do or not do and take that forward in day to day life. Easy it wasn't but I tried my best. My Dad had prostate cancer with secondary in the lungs and he dealt with life completely differently to how my hubby reacted so I had made early assumptions which were thrown right back at me.  You live and learn always.

Be kind to yourself and take care.  Jules 

Thanks Jennie - you are a graet example of what Jules has just mentioned, fighting the fight yourself but taking the time to come on here and try to help others - that's a really kind thing to do!

We are very open, and we talk a lot about the here and now of the illness, but it is me who struggles to talk about the next stages.  I can't really discuss his death with him without becoming a gibbering wreck, although we have tried.  We did manage to have enough of a conversation for him to realise that this journey, and when it ends, are only the end for him.  He hadn't really apprecaited that beyond that I have a very long and lonely road to tread, and that is a large part of why I am struggling to cope.  I think it has been beneficial to open his eyes to the fact that for the partners and families there is no end to this.  One thing that I was really struggling with was the idea of the funeral, so we talked that through and that has helped me a lot, but only with a practicality, the feelings side of things I just can't even process.  I tried to speak to the Macmillan drop in centre ladies at his oncology clinic, but I just shattered into pieces and it was all I could do to sip some water, so I decided I wasn't really ready for that either.  :( 

Oh I am so very sorry to hear this :(  So young, so unfair.  It sounds as though both our partners are dealing with it in a similar way- I think the process of the complimentary medicines, diet changes etc, it's all about trying to control it in some way, and it gives and inner strength to feel as though you are fighting it.  It is certainly doing wonders for my husbands mental state, and sounds as though it is for your boyfriends too.  Big hugs!  xxx

Thanks Jules.  I've been so very lucky in that my husband wouldn't think of shutting me out of the process - I've been to every blood test and every oncology and endocronology appointment, both before and after diagnosis and this has been a huge help.  Despite the fact that I am usually the one in tears with my husband listening intently and writing notes!

What we don't verbalise is the 'this might be the last...' thoughts.  We both have them - when we bought our Xmas tree this year the garden centre must have thought we were unhinged, wiping away tears through lots of laughter and hugging - we both knew what we were thinking, but it didn't seem worth saying.  Now that I've been robbed of this Xmas with him it's almost given me a fuel to make absolutely sure thaqt we will be buying another tree in December next year, and some days that keeps me realy buoyant, then I realise how utterly outwith my control that really is and I come crashing back down to earth with a bump :

It really is a roller coaster, and it's been extra hard without him here for 9 days - the longest we've ever been apart.  :( 

Hi Duck

I think we all recognise that roller coaster of emotions when coping with cancer and all that it brings. It is hard being separated that long even when you know your husband is being cared for.  Just not the same as having him at home where you can keep an eye on him.  Especially upsetting at this time of year. How are you and your husband doing?  I will wish you a peaceful start to 2017.  Jules