Hi, been so strong these last four weeks.  Got my her2 back and negative, everyone saying oh that's good news, you got this, you're strong, great you don't need chemo, but i still might, you will walk this etc etc. Gradually as I get closer to my op on Tuesday I feel weaker. 

I'm going through so many emotions, I'm looking at my breasts, I've been so proud of them over the years, always topless on beach even if I'm a larger lady. I'm trying to imagine what my right breast is going to look like. I know I'm lucky it's not a mastectomy,  but I'm like,  I love my breasts, I might be a size 18/20 but my boobs have always been awesome. 

I've also been thinking lots about people I know that fight cancer and it reoccurs. Everyone seems to think I have the op n things will get better.  How can it, you have cancer, its never going to be same again.  

I had a drink tonight,  I needed to. Haven't drank since diagnosis,  but I'm screaming inside, my daughter of 22, doesn't know I'm going through this, she's like why are you drinking on your own, she is being her normal selfish self, saying im watching tele on my own, me - all I want to do is get bladdered out of consciousness, forget cancer n all my jumbled thoughts. She said Remember its mother's day tomorrow,  and all I want to do is SCREAM, SMASH, CRY and just go back. Go back four weeks,  go back to when I didn't know. 

I can't let her know, she is in middle of dissertation for uni, end of May and degree is finished. She has had lots of cancer and death on her father's side, if she knew she'd spiral. It's so so hard always lying, its like all I've done since diagnosis. 

Sorry I need to get this out. I just want to drink into oblivion tonight, I know, so know its not good for the cancer, but well for tonight I don't care. 

I do think that the cancer charities should set up SMASH rooms, somewhere you can go and vent all the hurt and anger, not at the cancer persae, hurt and anger at never being able to just take a day as a day, cancer is always going to be there now. 

I am thankful I've got somewhere I can just write this. 

Jan x