Trying to cope is getting harder each day.. And yet I know that at the moment with my last ct scan it's ok, I had a nephectomy last May, stage 1  t1 b kidney cancer.... Things were ok mentally until about October, my brother spent 7 weeks in hospital loosing 4 toes due to diabetes.. My best friend who was like a younger brother to me lost his battle with cancer and passed in February , I still can't handle losing him it hit me so hard , so young at 51 .. Then 4 weeks later my aunt lost her battle with brain cancer, 

I have 3 more friends battling this awe full disease,  from bowel cancer metastasised to the chest bones, and

my second friend has possible liver or kidney cancer just waiting for his results.  A close girl friend has a brain  tumour which was operated on a yaar ago and 90 percent was removed, neither she or her husband have said very much she just seems to cope which is something I'm not doing very well .

I know I was ok until terry passed, it was like a part of me had been amputated maybe that's not the right way to describe how I am feeling about losing him...we had such fun together just doing normal things like going oh bike rides with his 11 year old son, terry looking round and saying things like come on you old fossil keep up.. Going fishing together , or me having to suffer watching Tottenham play . So many normal times that now I realise just how special they were and how special he was to me and his wife and 3 sons.

its strange now , while I am typing this all of my anxiety and depression has eased, I'm calm for the first time in weeks, I don't have the ability to talk to my friends about my problems, and yet here I am telling those of you that are reading this all about my sadness

i went to see a physiatrist last Friday after an hour he didn't say much, prescribed some anti-depressants so I took the that night .. All day Saturday and Sunday I felt awe full  slept most of the time, had adverse reactions with diarrhea sorry to much info.. So I called him and he said stop taking them , plus I'm sure they knocked by sodium-potassium levels in my blood down which made me feel total crap. 

I'm only just feeling ok this evening

all I want to say now is that having experienced all of the above, my heart goes out to anyone on here that is trying to cope with either this *** disease or loosing a near and dear one.. It,s very hard very very hard 

talking on here as I type this has helped me tonight ,  

personally it's coping now with my kidney cancer, things like will it come back , will it metascise all the unknown , sometimes I wake up shaking , thinking of my friends and it all gets to much for me.. There have been times when I have just pulled the bed covers over my head in an effort to shut out all of the hurt this last year , but that doesn't work .. 

I read here so many posts and some of them make me feel a very weak person as so many of you are coping with more difficult situations that I Am at the moment.

God bless you all.  Alan