Thanks so much Hope,

Perhaps I should have done what you have and gone to a councilor sooner than I did.

I can't imagine how you have been able to cope losing both parents in such a short time to this damn disease.  I agree that all the emotions we have are normal and I have said much the same to others on this site.  Your mention of reaching some kind of acceptance makes perfect sense and maybe I haven't accepted anything, like you I don't really know.  All I do know is that, despite all the losses and watching Dad get worse before he finally died I still felt like myself until my Aunty died four months later.  When my cousin told me the news I felt something inside break or change or something and ever since I just feel like a different person and one I don't really like very much.

Anyway enough rambling from me.  Please take care of yourself and keep up the good work with your councilor.

Garf. x

Hi Garf..

I'm new to all this and have just been reading around people's discussions and came across yours, I just wanted to say I really hope your ok & your posts really touched me especially when you speak about your wife it's lovely!

Please take care

Candy xx

Hi Garf,

It sounds to me like when you lost your Dad you tried to carry on and it appeared to be working but the loss of your Aunt brought it all back plus the grief for her.  This is exactly how I felt, when I lost Dad (now 6 months ago), I actually thought I coped well, of course I was very upset and cried a lot but carried on pretty normal as I had to look after Mum who was heartbroken.  However, on my Mum's diagnosis 12 weeks later I fell apart, I don't know if it was shock, anger or double grief but I couldn't cope and had to immediately take 3 weeks off work.  Somehow I did struggle through those next 9 weeks until she died and I cared for her as well as going back to work, but like you a double hit is hard to take.  I too feel like a different person, for me crying and being down has been a way of life all of this year and has almost become my new normal which I hate.  I said to my counsellor that I hate feeling this way, life is precious and I want to enjoy it.  But if I'm honest enjoying myself would almost make me feel guilty to Mum and Dad and this is something that we probably all have to get past - just because we can carry on and smile again doesn't mean that we have forgotten our loved ones or that we love them any less.

All of us on here are struggling one way or another with this terrible disease, but hopefullly we can all support each other to gain enough strength to get through.  Please let me know how your counselling goes.  I think it probably depends on how you build a relationship with that person, so I hope it works for you.

Hope x

Just to say a big thank you Candy and Hope.

Candy I have just been reading your other thread about your Mum and i am so sorry.  Hope is absolutely right about being upset and grieving even though she is still here as it was exactly the same with Dad.  You mustn't be hard on yourself as there are few more distressing things in this world than watching a loved one suffer.  I can understand that she doesn't want to talk about herself or her feelings.  Dad didn't discuss his cancer once with me or my sister except briefly about what he wanted for his funeral, now that was a tough conversation.

Hope, you say that being down has been a way of life for long enough and has become the new normal and I couldn't have put it better myself.  Even when I do laugh the cloud doesn't really get lifted and I can't really say that it is a result of feeling guilty for laughing because I don't think I do.  Certainly Dad and aunty Gloria and the others would't want me to feel guilty.  Maybe I should have done what you did and take time off work but I didn't.  I took one day off the day after Dad's funeral and that was it.  You are also right that just because we smile doesn't mean we have forgotten them or stopped loving them.

Thanks again so much.

Garf. x 

Hi Garf thanks for taking the time to read my thread and for your words about my mum!

Yes Hope is spot on, a very wise lady it seems giving loads of advice to us all!!

That must've been a vey hard conservation to deal with, I am dreading those sort of thins but I am going to try stop being so sad and make the most of time I have left, feel bad being like this when people on here are dealing with the loss and I still have her here!

I hope you can learn to not feel guilty about laughing etc like I saw you write on one of your threads, I'm sure your loved ones would like to see you laughing!

Anyway take care hope you are ok xx

Hi Garf

Cant believe I missed your 'update' yesterday and am very cross with myself when I think it took a lot of guts to 'put fingers to keys' (and I am responsible for urging you back here). Huge apologies and no excuses either!!(other than I had not marked the e-mail notification box on your thread ).

First off congrats on taking up the counselling option and I do hope that like Hope has already stated that this works to help you sort your inner feelings.  Please do not feel badly for any reason. Grief causes so much upset, unease, fear, sadness etc and even if not cancer related your forum buddies will, I know, be happy to listen and offer support (have you  not read my ramblings re my Mum recently).

Hope to hear that you find the counselling helpful and come and share when you feel you want to.  In my thoughts today(sorry to be late). Jules xx

Please don't feel bad Jules as you have absolutely nothing to appologise for.

To be honest, with all you have been going through with your husband and your Mum it's frankly amazing you are willing to find the time or the inclination to come here and help others.

YOU ARE A STAR!

As I have said I will update here either tomorrow after my first session or a little further down the line.

Take care.

Garf x

Hi Garf,

It is very difficult to believe that there will be a better new normal isn't it?  But I have to hang on to that belief or else I'd go mad.  It doesn't sound like you have taken much time for yourself since your Dad's death, only one day off for the funeral certainly doesn't sound enough time.  I know it is difficult with some employers but it is their interests to look after their staff's well-being.  Everybody tells me to take some time for myself, I do try even when I don't feel like it.  I go to the gym and try and go out socially, I often don't feel like it although I usually feel a bit better afterwards.  But I think it is also important to realise that we won't feel ourselves for some time and to go with the emotions that the bad days bring.  My counsellor says there is no timescale for grief, everybody is different.  I really hope your counsellor helps you.  Let me know.  Hope x

Hi Garf,

Sorry I have not responded to your post before, just been so busy the last few days. I always think it's harder for a man to talk openly and honestly about their feelings and a lot of men just cant do that, including my own father in Canada. But we men still have these feelings just like anyone else so I think it's great that you have been able to open up to your friends on here and everyone respects you for being able to do that, for it's not easy.

We have been talking to each other on an off for over a year now and you have like Jules and many others helped and supported me over that time period and I thank you for that. I hope the sessions will help you. But anytime you want to talk to your many friends on here please know we will do all we can.

Take care Garf, will talk again soon, Brian.

There are so many good and supportive people on this site it is quite overwhelming sometimes.

Hope, your coment about "a new normal" is actually something the councillor said yesterday and you are both absolutely right.  As we said it seems we have been feeling down for so long that feeling depressed has become our default setting.  Also to be fair to my employer and boss after Dad died they did say that they would help with anything I needed including time off, it's just that at the time of Dad's funeral I really didn't like the idea of spending time wallowing and grieving when work would keep me busy.  It was a bad decision on my part but unfortunately I can't go back.

Brian I will say the same to you as I did to Jules.  There is absolutely nothing to appologise for.  We all have our own lives to live and especially with looking after Mrs Brian you have had your hands full lately.  Sometimes I myself don't find the time to come here for days at a time. Thank you again though for your support and I agree that being men we may sometimes find it a little more difficult to discuss our feelings or be able to articulate them when we do. Speaking of Fathers how is your Dad these days?

Garf.