Hi
Dont know how I got here or even why I'm writing this but here I am.
So my wife the most beautiful creature on this planet , the most caring , kind and gentle person i ever met got cancer and died in my arms at our home where my 15 year old son and i nursed her day and night between us for a long 10 months that i now wish had never ended despite the pain.
My wife was just turned 38 when she died we were together from 17 , we have 3 children and a 2 year old grandson.
For 2 years I took her and took her to the doctors about her tummy but they never *** listen they just come up with some fantastical *** about what they THINK it is as *** you off out the door with green slips for high earning pharmaceuticals! She even had a scan 18 months before diagnosis where they saw a 10mm shadow on her liver and decided no further investigation was necessary then in 2020 I got fed up took her to the hospital and demanded a CT scan we had been asking for for over a year as she couldn't walk .... they did it as they thought she may have appendicitis and low and behold ot was stage 4 bowel and liver cancer. We were *** devastated and so angry.
We made the decision to have quality over quantity and for me to be signed off by the GP to administer pain meds SC and just manage her symptoms with no interference except the wonderful nurses that called once a day in the last 2 months to order new pain meds , make sure my paperwork was upto scratch and help us get a bed , liquid foods etc.
After 3 months we returned the quacks at hospital who said ... hey good job you didnt have the surgery your bowel cancers have hardly grown but your liver tumours have grown rapidly so you would have put yourself through that for no reason ... phew .... IDIOTS
We had some really good months choosing our own path , we laughed , when out into nature , cuddled , held hands and just loved and cherished each other then the liver grew Grew and GREW My Em looked 9 months pregnant by the time she died her final weeks were horrendous but neither of us had any regrets. Over our last time together we forgave each other everything we felt we had too , We loved each other unconditional, I carried her to the loo and bath until the day she died so she kept her dignity. Her last ever words were "I love you , I always will"
She breathed her last breath in my arms laid between my son and I after waking briefly to grasp his hand and look into my eyes and I told her "go baby , it's okay go , I love you"
Our daughters arrived minutes after she passed and we wailed , screamed , roared aloud in pain and anguish and then we bathed and cleaned her after she died and dressed her in what she had requested so nobody saw her naked. We cut her hair and painted her nails.
They came and took her away as I tried so hard not to crumble but fell to the floor. On her funeral we carried her into the crem , we had no orator or clergy I conducted her service from start to finish as she requested.
Now 3months later my boy and I are home with no wife , no mother. The person i knew and loved from 17 to 38 is gone. The only person who ever cared about me and saved me from destruction and a savage childhood , the one who calmed my soul GONE ....
Everyday we cry , everyday we try to stay positive, nobody seems to truly grasp what we went through or the complete sense of loss we feel so everyday both of us wish with all of our beings we had just died with our Em
Thanks for listening
Chris and Boedi
