Hey Tricky

Thanks for all that helpful and careful insight. It really helps. Can I ask you one thing?

How did you figure out to seek help from a psychologist? I mean whose idea was it and when in your journey? Things are weird right now. Still waiting. However he does have an appointment on Friday for a bronchoscopy to help confirm diagnosis. I am so pleased at the speed we managed to secure that especially with everything so crazy in the NHS. We can upgrade to BUPA after diagnosis if we need to or want a second opinion. Good to know we should not feel guilty using that option. 
I still swoop between huge bursts of positive energy to being massively down in the dumps and feeling sorry for myself. Hope that's normal. 
My husband is simply stoic and not really wanting to talk about it too much. Fix your eyes forwards and carry on I think is his motto. 
Is it ok to keep imagining the worst case scenario? It's like I try and torture myself with it and make it worse every time. Think it will be better once we know what's it is and what's the plan. I really hope there is a plan. Thanks again. Hope you are enjoying the sunshine. K

Hi, 

In my hospital there is a Macmillan nursing team that is my routine point of contact. There are 4 of them covering my type of cancer. They're lovely. Generally I email and then they either phone or email back. They sort pretty much anything. Including psychologist support. I only asked for that after my prognosis so not sure if it's just for terminal conditions. There is also an advance care planning doctor who helps in all aspects of here to the end - practical, medical, financial etc etc. I think you'll find this support at every cancer hospital.

I think how to respond and react is very personal. It's best not to fight your natural thinking patterns. It's more about learning the best strategies for dealing with things. Personally I try and rationalise and use logic. I was surprised that I absorbed the news fairly readily. But I generally in life plan for the worst and hope for the best so that may help. 
 

If things are preying on your mind it may helps to really dig into them and identify exactly what it is that is at the root of it, and then try and deal with that particular thing. Like having a specific coping strategy. But everyone responds differently so one of the biggest challenges may be finding a way for the two of you to find a way to reconcile your different ways of thinking. 

At some stage you may want to have specific conversations about this, maybe with some support / facilitation 

if you want more visibility of future options etc you or hubby will need to push the clinicians a little - they won't naturally discuss more than one step ahead unless asked as they don't want to guess or mislead. But if you push they will. 
 

take care. Sunshine and storms here. I'll pretend it's Florida!

My husband (59) had HPV tonsil cancer which we hoped was cured by radio / chemo but sadly came back at the beginning of lockdown. We have two young kids (8&4) and we are obviously all devastated. However he is currently on immunotherapy and most of the modules have either disappeared entirely or shrunk. However 2 new ones have appeared in a slightly different place. He looks and feels extremely well. Still hangliding and working! 

Anyone know whether we are still looking for a cure or not? Appointments to chat with consultant are so rare since lockdown and they haven't been clear. 
Lots of hope to everyone in here

Hi there

was just touched by your not being able to talk to anyone as your hubby feels it's nobody's business. I was in your boat last year. Hubby absolutely refused to let me tell anyone even though he himself was telling people. I did what he asked at first as you are right - it is their journey. But with two young girls at primary school and nobody  knowing there was anything wrong at home , I got to the point of cracking. He was requiring a lot of care at that point too. Burns everywhere and couldn't swallow at all.  I gave up work and nursed him. I was having to lie to ppl. And am glad I did. I adore him, after all and would do anything. But  I eventually realised I needed the support of my friends and I needed ppl to help with childcare etc. So I told a select few, asked them to keep it to themselves. And they were wonderful. I remember asking my hubby again if I could tell ppl as I needed the support and he just became angry and said I was mAking it all about myself. I didn't tell him I had already shared it with my close two friends. But I did put my foot down when he asked our children not to tell ppl. Children should never be asked to keep secrets. The treatment was making him angry and bitter at that time I think. Not his normal character at all.
But... since the cancer came back he is like a different person. Completely open about everything with everyone. And encouraging of my needs too.  He has found a fight. He is receiving talking therapies too which he would never have done in the past. 
Just thought I would share this story to offer some hope to people who are caring for someone with cancer that your loved one is very definitely on a journey and that the emotional side of things will continually change. An ebb and flow. And the anger is so understandable. 

That's a beautiful sentiment xx such honestly xx how is he doing ?? Xx 

I just been told I have chronic laryngitis and need urgent surgery and biopsy to rule out throat cancer, after my own research I'm worried I was a heavy smoker since 12 years old and now 54 only recently a none smoker, my health is horrendous copd and angina being straight about situation I feel doomed