Hello Jules

         It is always good to talk to you at the moment, as you seem to be in a similar sort of a position at the moment, it is so good to hear from you i do feel for your Hubby and for you and children as my wife and Daughters seem to be experiencing, the same sort of animosity but i am sure this is due to the position that i find myself at the moment, i am almost sure that your hubby feels the same.

              We both i am sure feel so sorry for the way`s that we are acting, and making our loved ones feel but from in the dark places that we go to it is difficult too see that and resch out for love and comfort, i have had more contact from my Macmallian nurse and she feels that the date of the 6th of January is far to long to wait especially as i have not seen him before she is going too see if i can go on his Cancellation list, i do hope so I really feel for my wife as i am so bad too live with at the moment even though i know the reason.

                    All my Love to you and Hubby  XXX

Hi James ....  I so hope your McMillan nurse can get you an earlier appointment - it is torment waiting for consultants/treatment/plans etc.  It is really sad to see how Jules is suffering and you - but in different ways - Jules as a partner and you as the person with the illness.  It is so hard for all involved.  I am blessed that my partner and I see it as a journey we are on together and talk about things constantly - with my children it is a different story.  It is too hard for me to think of leaving them, and although they talk about treatment and say their 'how are yous', I have never let myself talk about things with them other than superficially.  I know they are terrified of losing me - as i am of leaving them - but it is just too painful on my part to talk about 'feelings' with them.  I feel angry with myself at times that I cant give them a hug and tell them I dont want to leave them and let them tell me their fears - maybe it will happen one day, but I cant imagine it.  We have always been so very close and talked about everything - but this is just too painful.  Its a very very difficult journey for us all with no easy answers and I empathise with you both so much.

Please let me know how the McMillan nurse gets on and I hope and pray you will be seen before xmas. Take care Jules and James - thinking of you both x

Morning James

LikeMax I am keeping youin my thoughts and really do hope that your Macmillan nurse can move things along much more quickly for you.  Once again I have spent the small hours going over things in my head (hubby has no idea how much time I spend awake as through the drugs he takes he sleeps for much of the day/night unless he puts his mind to doing something with his time other than the tv.  If we could afford to constantly socialise with friends/relatives perhaps this would help as when we do go out with others he manages fine.  I think being indoors just reminds him that he cannot work so he sits and does nothing.  Both his consultant and gp have repeatedly told him to 'get moving' as this will help with quite a few of his 'issues' (and physically he can manage at the moment but mentally just no interest in trying).  He is quite happy for me to go out and get on with things (work, shopping cleaning babysitting etc) but  despite being asked its rare that he wants to join in).  I can only imagine and worry that his head is full of those same dark feelings that you mention along with fear of the unknown which we all wonder about.  Without the support I have received by talking on this forum I feel I would not be coping as well but we have to find the strength from somewhere and I am very grateful for the virtual company/friends who show so much understanding, it can often bring me to tears.

Tomorrow I am visiting a long term friend who has been fighting cancer on and off over 23 years and last week was told  no more can be done for her.  She hated telling everyone and then promptly started to arrange various get-togethers with friends saying she was going to make the most of any time she was able to have.  At present she is still at home but having seen both her parents enter hospices (and been attending treatments regularly at our local hospice) she already knows where she wants to be when the necessary time comes - a lday who is very much my inspiration to carry on fighting with my hubby - one day I hope he will talk to me (or anyone really) as I hate the thought of him suffering inside and having  no outlet.

Sorry James my planned quick response has turned into an opening of some floodgates which you really done need right now.  Once again really hope they can speed up your appointment so that you and the family can have happier thoughts throughout the festive season.  Sending virtual hugs  Jules

Morning Max

Just wanted to say many thanks for your kind words/thoughts.  It really helps to understand the journey we are on when others offer insight into both sides of the coin so to speak.  I think when it comes down to it we all have different ways of dealing with life (whether suffering or not) and our personalities play an important part in this journey.  Do hope your forthcoming op helps your condition and gives you plenty of valuable time to enjoy family life.  That support you talk of from your nearest and dearest is something to treasure as you well know.  Take care my virtual friend, have a great day.  virtual hugs. Jules x

Hello Jules

     When i was first Diagnosed with Cancer five years ago i joined a group on the Macmallion web site and ONE OF THE FIRST RULES WE MADE WAS NEVER TO SAY SORRY for what we said or wrote, I was pleased to read your post amd i hope that the out pouring did you some good, with this Horrid thing we should all never say sorry for what we say, as i know from the times that i have posted i have always felt better afterwards, reading your post what you was saying about your Hubby struck a chord with me and i thought to my self Jules knows how i feel deep down ,at times i just sit and do nothing and sit there in my deep dark moods which as you say does not help but i am unable to pull my self out of it, and the G.P just tells me that i should, but to do what i am unable to do anything so my life at times feels at an end. My mac nurse contacted me yesterday and said that she thought that the appointment date was a waste of time as i have not seen him before and he is holding up my treatment she thinks that he should be able to make up his mind as to if it is a secondary of primary Cancer from my scans and X-Rays the other team have already a plan in place so what is he doing, so my minds moods are all over the place, give my regards to your Hubby.

                    love and Huggs   James xxx

Hi Jules and James ......  I know how lucky I am that my hubbie is able to talk to me, I often think how blessed I am with that. We have had our difficulties though but managed to get through them.  I am a bit of a chatterbox and talk to him a lot so he cant really ignore it - like Jules says, we all have different personalities in this life and all deal differently in a crisis.

I hope you get good news today James - you sound like you have a very supportive McMillan Nurse thank goodness.  Has she been round to see your wife? That may be a good way of getting a conversation started.  Am so glad you and Jules have found each other on the site because your situations seem so similar from the 'elephant in the room' perspective.

I am feeling good at the moment thanks  James - havent been on chemo for a month due to the forthcoming surgery so have a little more energy. I dont expect to feel that well next week and just hope that I recover quickly so I can go out with my family and not make them feel restricted over the xmas period.  I am sorry you are still feeling so poorly and having to tube yourself up everyday - it must be very difficult for you at all times and it is no wonder you have dark thoughts. Please dont think you are alone - we all have dark days with this illness - and we are always here for you to talk to. Take care both of you - much love        Max x

Hi James and Max

As we, who know how to chat, would say its good to talk and it certainly helps  me enormously.  I think perhaps I have an insight into the 'inner feelings' James as I grew up in a household where my Mum had (still has) bi-polar disorder and I understand that saying to someone in the 'dark depths' pull yourself together and make the most of it, just does not work as you have no real control of the mental state at the time.  You have been and are still going through such torment both physically and mentally that it has to take its toll and I wonder if your wife just feels unable to show/speak of her feelings because of the love she has for you and in her mind she does not want to add to your worries.

Max you are a blessing to this site and cannot begin to imagine how hard it would be for you when dealing with your children (or them with you for that matter) with the knowledge you carry around with you daily but as with the friend I have who now has a limited time with her illness, she and you are making the best you can of a rotten situation because sadly there is no other choice.  All I can say is keep on doing what you can manage because its working for you and uplifting to those around you both in the real and virtual world.  With no chemo at present I hope you can raise a glass or two both before and after your op. When I visit my mate tomorrow I have a bottle of rose wine to share (hubby thinks I am presuming too much!! but he forgets I  have known her for almost as long as I have been married to him!!) as she has said happiness is an important memory to leave behind and I second that.

Thank you both for your continued support despite having your own journies to take; I feel privileged to be talking to you.  Big hugs  and James, hope some more positive news re your op comes soon.  xx Jules

Hello Again Max

         Yes you are quite correct it is good to talk to Jules as we seem to have so much in common.when it comes to the mac nurse and it helping my wife to open up I am sorry to say that this is what i thought to but my wife only says that she does not feel that she likes others entering our private conversations that might be true if only she would talk to me, the only time she talks about it is at medication time and she makes sure that i have the right dose and that i have enough left, but i want to talk about the way i feel, and this is where Jules comes in I can converse with her about the way i feel whilst i post.

                                          love James X

Hello again Jules

               I do not know where you get all your stamina from and also you seem to have a bottomless well of love and support to share, I feel Most honoured to be even able to say that i am in your chatting circle, but i am so glad that I am because every time i read your poats or post , then a great weight seems to lift off of me for a while, I hope that you and your friend have a really great day tomorrow, she sounds such an amazing person, Also I feel that I know your Hubby and feel  for him as we must be in much the same places at times. You are quite right Max is such a rock and someone we should aspire to be like, but too be quite honest at the moment the moods that i get in would make me feel that I should not be mentioned in the same sentence as her, but when i say moods they are not violent I could never live with my self if they were they are moods where i become introvert on my self and let no one know,how does your hubby display his moods in a similar way i expect, OH I wish the Consultants would speed up i am struggling to cope with all this waiting,

                        Love and Huggs JAMES xx

  P.S  Regards to your Hubby