Hi Jolamine, yes I think once the bed is gone it will be better. It is a constant reminder at the moment as soon as you walk in. I think I found it helpful at first but I'm not sure it is now. Thank you, I hope I will be able to get through the funeral, I'm sure I will for my mum but I know it will be tough. That sounds really good, I believe the woman we want to use is a humanist too. I do like that as the services can be whatever you want and don't have to be too traditional. It sounds like you had a really nice service. I think it's nice that you don't have to do the traditional things and you can play the music you like. My mum never mentioned any hymns specifically so I think she would prefer a nice song.

I think I will probably leave it to the person holding the service. I did want to speak but I know that my mum knows what I want to say. I think I might be adding more stress on to a already very difficult situation. Thank you for that Jolamine, when mum passed they did give us a bereavement pack which told us about that tell it once service. We did that over the phone I believe. I know you can't go anywhere with Covid at the moment. I had never heard about it before so I'm glad it is available. There would be nothing worse than keep getting letters and phone calls for mum now. The funeral directors are going to come round on Thursday to discuss everything. I think I will feel better once I know when it will be so I can try and prepare myself. Thank you so much. X

Simon

Hi Simon,

Yes, both of our services were really personal and, I'm sure, would have been my in-law's choice had they been able to make it. The gentleman came out and visited us to get a potted history of their lives. He took various memories from different members of the family, then sent us a copy for us to amend before the service. Although he had only met my father-in-law once and never met my mother-in-law, he spoke as if he had known them for his entire life. I hope that your lady does the same for your mum.

I am glad to hear that you have the funeral directors coming round on Thursday. It always feels better to have that organised and to get some time to prepare yourself mentally for it. If you feel that speaking at the funeral would be too big an ordeal, don't forget that the celebrant can say anything that you might want to say on your behalf. I am glad that you had already found out about the Tell-Us-Once Service. It should be especially helpful at present, when you don't want to have to travel to too many places.

It's good to hear that the bed and oxygen are being uplifted tomorrow.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, that does sound very nice. It must be difficult to speak but it's good to know that they are very friendly and want to help you. Hopefully the people we get are the same. There's so many good things I can say about my mum I wouldn't know where to start but hopefully they can guide us with that. If they send us a copy before that would be nice.

I am not liking forward to the funeral directors coming but I know it needs sorting out so better to get it done. I think it's because it all feels so real and at the moment it's like I'm not quite there. I think it will be good to prepare and know what to expect. I'm not sure whether we can say a few words or they will write it for us, I think we will find out more tomorrow. Yes I didn't know about that service. It's definitely very helpful, much better to let everyone know at once rather than getting upsetting calls of people are asking for her. With the Covid as well everything is difficult these days, nobody wants to let anybody in if they can help it! They did take the bed Jolamine but not the oxygen. That is being picked up tomorrow. It does feel strange without the bed but I am glad it's not there now. I don't think it was helping. Thank you so much for all your support Jolamine. X

Simon

Hi Simon,

You should find that the funeral directors will point you in the direction of what you can do, but if there is anything that you particularly want to include in the service, you only have to ask them. Another thing we did was to place a photograph beside the coffin in the crematorium, which added a personal touch. We also collected donations for Cancer Research at the end. The crematorium staff brought these back to me before we left the crematorium.

I am glad to hear that the hospital bed was uplifted today and that the oxygen is going tomorrow. I know that this makes it all seem very final, but it is better to face this sooner, rather than later. You will soon get used to the house without all of the extra equipment.

I shall be thinking of you tomorrow and, I hope that all goes well for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, many thanks for your kind thoughts. The oxygen did get removed today which is a relief. I didn't mind it being there but I know it wasn't really helping. We did get the funeral directors round today. It wasn't too bad, they just asked us the basics about the service and which songs we can play. We did manage to get the woman we wanted to do the service which is very good. My mum really liked her when she did a friends funeral. They said the date for the funeral had to be June 2nd. Apparently they are very busy with the bank holiday, I don't mind waiting. It will give us more time to sort out any remaining things. 
That sounds nice with the photograph, my mum never liked having her picture taken though! They did offer us a donation service but I think we are going to do it ourselves. My sister will start up a page and we are going to donate to Springhill hospice that helped us. I will definitely try and do some kind of fund raising for a cancer charity in the future. It's awful that people have to go through this so if I can do anything to help I will. My mum got really good treatment and I am really thankful for that. l I want to help anybody in the future if I can.

The house does feel really quiet now, I know that's to be expected. I'm just trying to keep busy and not think too much for now. As you said it's all a bit of a blur at the moment. Nothing quite feels real. I'm just trying to take one day at a time for now. Thank you so much for your kind words Jolamine. X

Hi Simon,

I am so glad that you managed to arrange the funeral today and, that you got the celebrant you wanted. 2nd June probably does seem a long time away, but it will come around quite quickly. Everybody is having to wait longer as a result of the pandemic and, the bank holiday will push it back further again. It does give you more time to sort out other things.

It is a nice idea to set up a page for the hospice which helped you. It would also be lovely to fund raise for a cancer charity later on. We don't always appreciate the needs of people with cancer until we see it first hand.

I lost my mum to secondary cancer 12 years before I was diagnosed and, there was just no comparison between the diagnosis, treatment and aftercare which we both received. This is why I'm so grateful to the people at Cancer Research, who strive continually to improve the lot of those of us who are diagnosed.

You should feel a little better tonight knowing that the funeral is now in place and you have a date to work towards.

Take care.

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, yes it does seem a long way away but I know time can creep up on you. There seems like lots to do but I've just been doing bits here and there. I'm going to sort cloths out for the funeral next. I did forget about the bank holiday and with the Covid problems I'm guessing it's a lot harder to get things done quickly these days. I definitely agree, I have been lucky that I haven't been affected by cancer in my life until now and now that I have seen what this horrible disease can do I really want to try and help. I know there's only so much I can do with my current condition but every little helps. Even fundraising or helping out anyway possible would be good. I just want to try and give some thing back.

I'm so sorry both you and your mum have been affected, I must say you are a very strong person Jolamine. I can only imagine the differences now with cancer treatment. I do know my grandma had it but she died before I was born and my mum said they couldn't do a lot for her. From what I have learnt so far the improvements in treatment are amazing. My mum had SRS treatment for the brain and even though we didn't get the time I would have liked I did feel like it worked and made her a little better than she would have been without it. Everyone we have dealt with has been so helpful, my mums treatment has been as good as it could be. Also forums like here where you never think you will find yourself have been amazingly helpful. Very kind people like yourself really help when I wasn't sure and was looking for support. My mum, me and my sister have found a lot of kindness through her journey. I have been lucky to meet some fantastic people just like yourself.
Cancer research is a great site, I am very thankful for places like this. Yes I think I can now try and build myself up and get ready now I know when the funeral will be. At least there's a date for me to work towards. Thank you so much Jolamine. X

Simon

Hi Simon,

Cancer touches a number of families nowadays and, it is great when someone wants to join the fight and give something back in any way they can. I am sure that you will find a way to help despite your current condition, but give yourself time to grieve first. I believe that nearly all charities have suffered a huge shortfall in their contributions due to the current pandemic and many are realy struggling.

I am glad to hear that you feel happy with all that was done for your mum. When my mum was diagnosed, she was just told that she had breast cancer - no mention of type or grade. There was no discussion or choice of treatment. She was told that she would have a mastectomy and radiotherapy. She had horrific burns from the radiotherapy and was then left to her own devices. There was no such thing as after care and no support groups.

By the time she discovered that it had spread, it was too far gone and she spent a long time in hospital before she was moved to the hospice. My experience has been so different from start to finish. Diagnosis is much more specific and there are various choices for surgery and treatment. Radiotherapy treatment seems to be much moe controlled these days. There are so many different support groups to help mentally and physically and after care now has high priority. We really are very lucky in comparison.

It makes such a difference to have all this support and it really is helpful for cancer patients and their families. I was a strong person before I was diagnosed, but I must confess that I fell to pieces when my cancer was confirmed. However, I have become more positive as the years have passed, thanks to some fantastic support I've had on this site.

A forum like this is one that nobody wants to join, but it is invaluable at our times of need. I am glad to hear that you feel happier now that you have a date to work towards.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, I was suprised at just how many people are affected by cancer. I think it takes yourself or someone you know to have cancer before you even realise it but now I've been through this I do want to help others if possible. I know a lot of charities are struggling, this COVID has been a terrible thing.

I will, I know at the moment I'm not able to properly grieve. There's lots happening which is keeping me busy but once everything has settled down I think that's when it will hit me. At the moment it's quite surreal and you are just getting through it because you have too. I did have my worst day so far yesterday but that was because I started thinking. At the moment it's best not to think too much as it then starts dawning on me and it still doesn't feel real at the moment.

I'm so sorry to hear your mum went through that. I have never known it any other way than this so I presumed they can tell you exactly what kind of cancer you had and what stage it is at. It sounds like these are not things that were available before. I did look at brain radiotherapy and realised that it used to be Whole brain only which carried a lot more symptoms so I know my mum was lucky to be able to have SRS instead. I'm glad you got better treatment although I know that's no consolation after what happened to your mum. I think we are lucky that there are people out there for us. I remember my mum saying there were no such things as support groups many years ago, you just got on with it. I can't imagine having no way of finding out information or having people to support you. It must have been very difficult and lonely. I think you are very strong. I don't blame you for falling to pieces, I don't know the feeling but I can only imagine how life changing it is. I don't think anybody will know unless they have gone through it. I am glad you are feeling stronger now. From what I can tell you are a very kind caring person and the support you give others means a lot. It really does to me, just to know there's someone there if you have any worries means a lot.
It really is a godsend here, this is the place you never know about until you have to. I am very thankful it is here and also very grateful I met you. Yes I feel a little bit more settled, I'm still don't feel like it's really happening but I imagine that's a common feeling after going through a loss. Thank you so much for all your support Jolamine. X

Simon

Hi Simon,

I suspect that many people are unaware of how prevalent cancer is in the general population. It is great that you want to help when you can. Wait and see how you cope with your grief first before comitting to any fundraising. Some people find that it helps them to have something to do whilst grieving and, this helps them to get through it, but others could never do it.

I am so sorry to hear that yesterday was a bad day for you - you will find that some days are worse than others. Yes, my poor mum had a terrible time. She developed metastases in her brain, bone, liver and lungs, but was offered no treatment whatsoever at that stage. Many of the diagnostics, tests and treatments that we all take for granted, were not available. There were no support groups and not everyone had access to the internet. We really are very fortunate now, by comparison.

This is indeed the forum that nobody wants to join, but when we do, we do get some great support and, this is a tremendous help as we travel along our cancer journeys. I am glad to hear that you are finding my support  of some help. I only wish that I could take all your pain away, but alas, we both know that this is not how it works.

Please don't beat yourself up when you have a bad day. This is like a rollercoaster. One day is not too bad, then the next is really hard. You never really know which mood you are going to face each moring. When you have a bad day, just put it behind you and try to find something good in the next

Take care.

Jolamine xx