Hello,
my lovely mum was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer on 21st December. She's 71 and I'm 41. She's a legend and as I type she is lying in the next room fading away. We brought her home to die Friday before last and it has been a roller coaster ride ever since. Visitors, laughter, realisations, anxiety, arguments between myself, my sister and my dad. My mum would have been devastated about the arguing, she is such a gorgeous caring person it breaks my heart that she may know what is going on. My sister, my dad and me are all handling this very differently; I couldn't have the conversations I wanted with my mum when she was diagnosed as she and my sister were trying to remain positive, any reminiscing, getting upset or wanting comfort was frowned upon. My dad however had already planned mums funeral and is trying to gain access to her bank accounts and generally making us feel very uncomfortable in 'his' house which incidentally is our childhood home. I'm losing my temper due to exhaustion and anger about how badly my mum was treated by her go and hospital while trying to get a diagnosis but that is another story.
im reaching out because the pain of watching mum disappear is unbearable but I'm also fearful of what's to come.I love my mum so much, she is my favourite person, always has been, always will be. I'm struggling to stay here to be with mum because of my dads bizarre behaviour; timing mine and my sisters children in the shower, walking in on me, my sister and our children in the shower constantly - just to be clear this is not a perve thing, it's a control thing, he's trying to dehumanise us and make us feel like we need to go by making sure we have no privacy. He's a bad person but I do believe he loves mum. She certainly loves him, pretty sure she would have been devastated about how he's treating us all. He's also not good at caring, in fact he barely spent anytime with mum whilst she was awake and mobile when we got home from the hospital. All this nonsense is clouding what I should be concentrating on - my mum. Making sure I give her a beautiful last few hours. The nurse reckons 24-48. I love my mum so much and she deserves so much more than this, I can't stand the thought of her frightened an£ alone. My dad insisted on a night nurse which I want to leave as lovely as she is and sit by mum myself. She may not be here in the morning.
Please, if anyone has some helpful words I need them ️
