Partner has pancreatic cancer and ended our relationship

Hi, I'm here because I'm confused and don't know whoelse toturn to.

My partner and I met online 18 months ago and are in a long distance relationship. In April 2019 he was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer and that's when the problems started. Off and on since then he has chosen to end the realtionship. I have always been supportive and lost my mun through cancer and therefor have empathy for what he's experiencing. We have only been able to meet up a handful of times due to the distance and the breakups. Things had been goin really well since March this year and we were finally starting to make solid plans for the future, as the tumour was shrinking and he was doing very well. Then in April he became ill with the virus and was hospitalised. I supported him throughout this time, but due to the lockdown restrictions was unable to visit him and as his health improved, so did the plans for the future once again. Then last Saturday he had a number of tests prior to his release, which was scheduled for Tuesday, after he saw the doctor who would be telling him about his results.

I heard from him on Tuesday morning and then nothing. I decided to wait until I heard from as he had not been sleeping well from worrying about his results. Then on Wednesday afternoon I rang him, but he did notpick up, so I left a voicemail asking how he was. Later that day he sent mea text saying that the news had not been good and that he has much less time left than he could have imagined and that we couldno longer plan a future as there isn't time and that I must go on without him. Obviously I was upset and tried to ring him and again he did not reply, so I left a short voicemail saying I was so sorry to hear the news and to get in touch once he felt able to. He has not returned my call nor messaged me.

In the past when this has happened I sent a long email, have been supportive, understanding, explaining I am here for him and offered to remain friends if he wants that and eventually he comes back to me.

We are not young. I am 57 and he is 65, both mature enough to understand the challenges life throws at us, we have discussed what lies ahead and have always said we would be there for each other, no matter what happens, or how much time we had. But then he chooses to end the relatioship by text and will not talk to me.

I am finding hard to understand how someone who claims to love me can do this and has done this twice before, when he was faced with bad news regarding his cancer. 

I apologise for the length of the message, I fully appreciate that he will be going through so much and needs to focus on what lies ahead, but I'm just heartbroken that he has cut me out of his life :(

  • The past 3 years have been a challenge after the end of a long term relationsghip, which I am completely over now, and it took time to learn to trust again, but slowly I realised I felt ready and able to love again, and I think that's why I'm struggling to accept that he is able to cut me off just like that, because it's what my ex did (albeit under very different circiumstances). 

    But like you said I must focuson myself...I have been on a journey of self discovery for some time now and must continue to work on this...healing and recovery are so important to maintain good health.

    Thankyou for listening and caring enough to take the time to reply xx

  • I sent a long reply and then saw all the other replies! I don't know why I couldn't see them before! 
     

    Please don't feel selfish, it's absolutely horrible for you. Don't add an extra layer of pain by telling yourself you shouldn't have any feelings. It is a really painful situation. I agree with everyone regarding self care and healing. I think try to turn some of your nurturing and focus onto yourself. He knows you are there and he can, and may well, get in touch with you once he is better positioned to in his own mind. Xx

  • Hi Amy. I would like to ask you, how did your situation with your partner go? I am experiencing the exact same thing now … Hope you see this and I hope you are well and at peace xx

  • Hey Ronnie, 

    I see you were hoping to hear back from citygirl111. 

    Unfortunately this discussion hasn't been active in over 4 years which may explain why you haven't had a reply.

    I am sorry about that, but you can try reaching out to others on more recent discussion you find about this topic. If you're unable to find any that fit your situation then do feel free to start your own discussion about this instead.

    Kind regards,

    Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator