Hello everyone

My lovely man has terminal oesophageal cancer.  Despite fighting for over a year it has come back.... and he has been very poorly over the last couple of weeks.  He was admitted to hospital a fortnight ago and had an 8 hour procedure to remove 2.5l of fluid on his heart and lungs caused by the cancer cells multiplying.  He was released last Thursday (a week ago today) and was fine for the first 24 hours but over the following 48 hours he became more and more breathless and coughing up all sorts of yukiness.  On Wednesday morning at 2am he started vomitting, coughing, retching.... you name it.  We had excellent care by the district  nurses by eventually at 9pm I dialled 111 and a Dr came out and ordered an ambulance immediately.  He was readmitted to hospital with a chest infection , fluid on his lungs again and a heart rate of 144.  Today they are performing another procedure to remove the fluid which has built up so, so fast - too fast.  If that doesn't work we are going to stop all other treatment (Chemo) because it's not worth putting his body through the trauma of Chemo when this fluid is working against us.  If that happens my gorgeous man, the light and joy of my life, will have weeks left to live.  I just can't get my head around the fact that one day soon I will walk through the door and he won't he there to hug me, to kiss me, to ask about my day.  It's so unfair... my heart is breaking.  But he just keeps smiling and telling me it will be okay, that I'll be okay and that no matter what, I have to go on, so that he goes on in me.  

I am so scared...

Good luck to everyone who is suffering or caring from someone with this awful, awful disease.  I wish you all much strength, courage and love.

Ruth x