Hello Martin 235, I'm sorry that you have to witness your mom suffer at the mercy of this horrifc illness. Your mom may very well be in the dying stages (last months/ weeks). She is delaying her suffering by not taking the morphine. Contrary to popular belief, morphine is NOT only used in end of life. It actually helps with breathing and reduces pain. At this point, she should not be taking any stairs. You need to put a bed downstairs for her (even if it's a mobile fold-out bed). We had to do this for dad before he passed away of lung cancer only 17 weeks after diagnosis. Please have your mom's doctor reiterate and emphasize the importance of pain management (medications). The sooner you enroll your mother in hospice (even at home), the better everyone will feel especially her as they can provide pain management, and assistance to the family as a whole which will help take the load off of you. Hospice will also provide you with any and all medical supplies you will need to keep mom comfortable at home. I KNOW that being her full-time caretaker isn't easy but at the end, it will be worth it. God bless you and your family. 

Hi Martin, 

I am really sorry to hear about your mum. I do pray and hope that she will be easy on herself and time like now I believe is very hard for you. 

I am in the same situation. My mum had breast cancer when she was 30. After 20 years she has been told thag she has liver cancer spread in bones. Which was 5 years ago. She had endless 5 years of chemo and tace proceedures. My parents live in Dublin (Ireland) and Me and my beother live in UK. So all those 5 years traveling both of us backwards and forwards to fight with mums illness. 

And last year Christmas time mum got worse , no treatment available. As liver failing. Her skin is yellow, swelling abdominal and just very weak. In hospital in January they put the drain in to drain bilirubin out, at that time I have been told that my mum has weeks to live... it’s April now and she is still with us. I have moved from UK to parents leaving my two babies (7 years and 5 years old) in Uk with their dad. They kept visiting us twice a month. My dad stayed at work and I looked after my mum. My mum always been a fighter , positive minded, always looked for alternatives like herbal. 

As mum was stable for those last few months I have decided to go back home leaving mum in dads hands and hospice nurses and community nurses (which all are very helpfull) 2 weeks me being back in UK dad rang and told me that his mum died, so he had to go back home to funeral and I had to go to mum to look after her while dad comes back. And when I went there I was shocked how much 2 weeks changed her. He abdominal swolen again, yellow skin and eyes, I could tell the her orientation changed and memory loss too. She was much more sleepy than usual. I took her to nurses, gp and hospital at the end of the day and basically how I felt was “what the hell are you doing here and what do you expect from us” I felt very alone will ill mum! They did examine her, done bloods, everything worse. Liver enlarged very much and basically they said they can’t do anything as she is a palliative patient and no treatments or further visits needed. So now I understand how serious and also “written off” my mum is . It is devastating and since then my mum is gradually every day is going down. Hospice and nurses are quite supportive. I don’t know if mum will ever go to hospice as she seems sleeping now most of the time... not sure how long time we have left and when is the time to alert all the other family. It’s hard not to know, hard to see her in this condition and it is just devastating to experiance that to anyone. 

Please stay strong all of you ! ️

Hi Martin235 I have only just joined this group and I saw your post. Obviously I do not know what the situation is regarding your mum. I was diagnosed with terminal cancer back in 2013, no mistake about the year I previously had operation to remove my left lung and told st one point I was in remission. I was feeling something isn’t right so in the September I asked them to rescan me then rather than December. The results where terminal with a 6/8 with palliative Chemo. Or 3/6 without. I had 2 sessions of palliative Chemo and pulled out. It left me in such a mess. Physically and mentally. I actually was wishing death would come. At one point I became unconscious. I definitely do believe your hearing is the last to do. I overheard my GP and Macmillan tell my husband to prepare himself and 2 of my children who where still living at home at the time. They said they would give me until the weekend at the most. Tomorrow end of life team will be coming in. I was furious. I had seen end of life team help finish my brother of in May of the same year. Although there’s a limit to how much morphine they can actually give you. Believe you me when I say this. In every country in the UK theirs someone who end of life team need to get permission from to up the national guidelines of what they can give. It’s only one person who is authorised. They are normally based at a hospice. One local to me is Loros. The man was contacted their they had given my brother the highest dose, enough to kill a rhinoceros off apparently. However with my brother being such a big chap, I don’t mean fat I mean big in talk big muscles etc. They amount they gave him was authorised by this chap at loros who doubled the amount that any doctor or oncologist could do. I personally thought it was wrong he had stated time after time he did not want to be knocked out or sedated in anyway. Yet they went against his wishes by saying it was better for him. He would have hated the thought of living a extra 6 days without him being able to use the toilet and everything. He would not only have been mortified. He would have actually gone ballistic that his wife let it happen. I has his older sister told them it was not what he wanted, I had no rights it was with his wife. So having seen all that with my brother I just kept telling myself I had to wake up they are not doing that to me putting syringe drivers into me to knock me out further than I already was. I do not to this day know what happened I did actually wake up. Yes and here I still am 6 years later. Still alive, going from one extreme to another  no one actually knows why. I have one of the worlds leading cancer researcher as my oncologist. He asked me if I would give extra bloods for cancer research etc to help them try to understand why I am still here. It’s literally knocked the researcher off their feet because I genuinely should not be alive. I should never have woken from that stage of being unconscious. So I have totally baffled the cancer world. People say good for me etc. Now I have told you all of this for a good reason first you definitely need help with district nurses and Macmillan. I know how difficult it is for family. I know because my 19 yrs old daughter couldn’t cope and took a overdose which she was extremely lucky to have lived. It was touch and go for 6 days. So I do understand. If and only if your mum expresses her wishes to fight then let her, don’t let them put syringe drivers in her. However should she express her wishes and says I have had enough and she wants it over. Then please please allow that also. I don’t know if it’s too late or not. So although this message was meant for you I am saying to anyone who reads this post I have done to Marin whatever your parents brother sister wife want please please no matter how you feel about it please try to give them their wishes. I am classed as a miracle in the cancer world. Looking back knowing what I know now. Theirs this bigger part of me wished it was over. I genuinely do mean that. If I could go back in time knowing my life was going to be this bad, in fact it’s not a life it’s a existence I would have never ever have gone on to have further treatment after I woke up. I would have let nature take its course when I could have. The cancer is spreading yet something is keeping me alive. I have refused any further treatment, sometimes we all have to let our family go. So let them have peace if it’s their wish. Do not let them regret it like I do, a mirical has turned out to be a major punishment. I know a lot of people would think I was ungrateful. Maybe they think I am I would say you come and live my life then and only then would you understand. Good luck Martin please if I am too late for you mum my sincerest best wishes. She will be at peace, if your mum is still with us then all I can say no matter how much I feel it for you as family, I feel more for your mum to get whatever she wishes for, so good luck to all whatever the outcome. Marj 

Hello,

thank you you for sharing your experience and so happy for you that your doing well. 

My uncle is going through the same as what your brother did. They keep pumping morphine into him and I keep saying to them there must be something you can do to help him pls don’t let him die but they just keep saying sorry but he is dying (as in he has just days left). What can I do to stop them? Can we stop them. They keep telling my aunt not to wake him up if he falls asleep and to just let the meds take their course. Please someone help me. 

Hello hun,

no they aren’t killing him, this is part of end of life care.speak to them and explain how your feeling they will talk to you and help you understand. Unfortunately when they go on the syringe driver it’s normally not long, but that’s so peaceful for them when they are on it. They don’t feel anything and go in and out of sleep, the nurses are right to say don’t wake him. But he can hear everything so talk to him and tell him everything you want him to know. It’s very scary all of it but make sure you talk about it all! Don’t be on your own, they will only ever put them on the syringe driver when it’s ‘time’ don’t worry. It’s only helping, without it, he will struggle and wouldn’t be nice for him. Morphine helps with breathing, the body will do what it needs to and the nurses are so good trust them, they know what they are doing xxxx your not alone xxx

Hi,

thank you for such reassuring word and wiseness (which I know deep in my heart I should listen to). Yes he is on a driver since the last two days. I’m really trying hard but am not able to accept he is practically about to die. Struggling so so badly to accept. The nurses are lovely and I feel terrible for the way I have been rude to them and keep on begging them to keep him alive and when they say the words “he is dying” it just makes me go inssane!! I’m trying hard but can’t control myself. 

It could take you forever to accept it, but finding a way to channel it will help in the long run, there’s no guide book, just be there when you can, and make sure you take time to breathe. It’s impossible to deal with in a short amount of time, the nurses will understand your frustration, they see it every day. Xxx