x

Hi all,

after reading all the posts I had to join and say that well done you all for being there for your brothers and sisters. I wish I had a post that I too could put up but unfortunately my sister is to consumed in her own commercial world and has no time for me. 

It’s great to hear your stories because I was dog nosed with stage 4 throat cancer in 2015  I had chemo, radio and surgery all of which has left me permanently disabled without the ability to eat or drink anything. As a result I lost all my savings, my girlfriend of 10 years left because she could not cope with the situation. I’ve lost my home my job and my manhood . Believe me when I tell you as much it’s a difficult and ugly time the fact that your there to emotionally support your brother or sister or whomever is something so huge that I can’t think of words to describe it . Your angels and I hope there’s a special place in heaven for you all. Some of us are not that lucky . That said i find splice and strength in reading your amazing  stories. If only the world had more of people like you. Keep it up and I’m sure you’ll be rewarded in this life and the next . It really does mean everything when you’re feeling so scared and vulnerable and there’s nothing you can do but hope you improve and get back to living the life you once had  Thank you for sharing  

I've just found out my brother has a year to live, stage 4 kidney cancer spread to his lungs and liver. He is 43 with 3 young children. I'm broken

Hi there, my brother was diagnosed with Ocular Melona 2 years ago. Underwent surgery and we thought it was all good until 5 months later when it spread to his liver. He also has always looked really healthy and fit until recently. The cancer has gone to his spine, peritoneum, lungs and kidneys and it's not looking good. Dropped so much weight so quickly, is on morphine and steroids. He went for his bloods today and they have kept him in as they are unhappy with his general well-being.

I am very spiritual so it helps thinking about the bigger picture that his journey will not end, he has exciting things to come. However his wife and 2 teenage girls and my family struggle with it as he's only 43. We are all strong for him, always laughing, and things will change, but he will always be around to see life events because we hold him so deep in our hearts. I have spoken quite deeply with him and I know he will be ok, once the time comes he won't be in pain even if he appears to be, he won't. It's his girls and family that will need to ongoing strength and support and I know he'll still be with us all the time. As sad and heartbreaking as it is, when someone goes home, their journey to the next adventures will be so beautiful and they can still see and be with us because of the love we hold. 
sending an abundance of love and strength to all of you going through these horrendously difficult times, it's hard but it's how we grow and learn and those going through the cancer are absolute Earth Angels who are so strong and brave and teach us all so much. Much love everyone xx

I am so sorry for your awful news lovely and at Christmas time too. All I can say to you from my experience is, as hard as it is, try not to focus on the end of the year. It's easier said than done but we did it for the first year, it was like we were waiting instead of living. Loving each day as you already do, with love and compassion is all we need to do. Just be. I found it hard wondering if there was a certain way to be, but there isn't. We just have to be, we have to live, and make memories that will last forever and enjoy every single moment and laugh. I don't think there is any lesson harder than this, but I've learnt from my amazing brother that just being, and keeping a sense of humour even through the roughest times is the best medicine. Just be the love that you are, and ask for inner strength and courage. Sending loads of love to you and all your family xx

It's so hard at the moment, I keep breaking down at work and I find myself crying over silly things. My Mums MS has worsened since the diagnosis and I have to help her more around the house after work each day. My fiancé's 13 year old daughter has moved in with us and I'm finding it all so stressful. Yesterday I put it to my boss of only 3 months if I could cut down my hours, I currently work full time, as I'm not concentrating at work and feel part time would be best at the moment to help me help my family. My heads all over the place and I'm not sleeping well, or having nightmares about nuclear war! It's all just too much. Deep in the pit of my stomach I'm in pain. I can't believe this is happening to my brother, life's so not fair. I've promised him I will look after his wife as and 3 boys when the inevitable happens and I feel like I'm going to spontaneously combust with all the pressure. My partner is supportive but it's not his brother dying and i know he can't completely understand. Life seems pointless, it all just seems so pointless. Sorry for my rant but instead of feeling acceptance I'm feeling sad and angry and really really low. 

Oh Llully bless you, I know it is so so hard. My brother got sent home last week, no more treatment so he is at home being made as comfortable as possible, so you are not alone sweetheart. 

All I can say is because I've struggled with this myself. You can only do so much sweetheart, yes we are there to support our family, but we are human and cannot take on all the pressure ourselves. You also have to look after yourself too because if you're not in a good place how can you help others. I know you will never say no to family neither would I and we will do anything no matter how tired it makes us, we want to be there for our brothers, his wife and kids, our parents, other siblings everyone, but, we simply cannot do it all and your brother would not want all that pressure on you either. 
I think speaking to people who understand definitely helps, Macmillan are just amazing, some holistic therapies would also help you, your mind and emotions. That is something I can help you with as that is what I do and I find it has really helped all of my family who wouldn't have been open to it before my brother got ill. There is so much point to life sweetheart, and although when your brother goes home just like mine will very soon, they are still with us and they are just on the next part of their beautiful journey. Anyway get in touch if you ever feel you'd like lovely and I am sending you lots and lots of love and strength xx

Hi I get exactly where you are coming from my brother has a tumour in his neck. It started with an ulcer on his tongue. They operated on him last April he had radiotherapy and things were going great then it came back. So he started on chemo but that didn't work so treatment was stopped. He is now in a hospice with only weeks to live. He is in  a wonderful place but the guilt of wanting to be with him daily is so hard. I need  to work so this isn't possible. He handles it much better than I do. My heart is heavy and  there's nothing I can do. I do hope you find peace and strengh to carry on I feel so sad for us all. 

Hi, I really appreciate your reply to the post, my brother is currently going through utterly hellish symptoms and imminent loss of independence through mouth cancer and what feels to me like lack of consistency and thoroughness from a few in the medical field. No one person to blame just everything...

I want to be able to understand better what my brother is feeling, and how to help him to cope with it or more so not make it worse for him, I simply can't imagine...though I do get flashes of more severe fear and panic that isn't mine, and I can't bear that they maybe what is happening to him and are his reality. Can you tell me if you feel like electric panic sometimes or does your mind help you to avoid that!? Also I want to urgently tell him how much he means to me but is that cruel and unfair for him, will that make him feel guilty for leaving us, or will it help him to feel comforted. Why don't we share our feelings more under normal circumstances? Some people aren't comfortable sharing especially men, or being shared with.

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this alone, my sister-in-law is being wonderful and amazingly strong for my brother, they've both been through enormous traumas in their lives and this is just so unfair and unbearable, and I'm trying, but I don't know what is right or how to help or not make it worse...

I am sort of managing, with the help of my other brother and my own little family and two particularly good friends to hold it together when I'm with my brother but it is a very tenuous control that I think I must maintain all the way...I just break the rest of the time...should I write down everything I want to say to him and give that to him? Is that cowardly? I don't think I could hold it together to tell him face to face because I don't want to give him more pain and anguish to deal with or make him cry...!?

I'm sorry for asking you these questions when you are going through it all yourself but I thought that from your comment perhaps it might be helpful for you too to help me to know what is most comforting for my brother from me, and because I'm slightly afraid that this is too much for me and will impact on my kids (grownups)...

Hello onlyasister, 

I just wanted to drop by and let you know that the member you are responding to posted more than a year ago so there is a chance they may not be looking at the forum at the moment although I do hope they see your message and you hear back from them...

In the meantime, perhaps you could also start your own discussion on the forum? You can find out how to do this here. You are welcome to share your story by starting your own thread and I hope that you will hear from others who currently find themselves or have found themselves in a similar situation. 

Best wishes, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator