Thanks Jules,

With Xmas coming up this has been a busy week ... I guess the same is true for everyone.  It is nice though that people like to get together at this time of year and so there are extra events to be engaged in.  Remaining positive is the key.

That said, I realise that the ups and downs of bereavement have irrational elements to contend with and it is trying to move out of those that is important.  For me, I have found odd things difficult to cope with.  One recent thing was the word "forever".  What does it really mean?  I understand that, in all means and purposes, my positive understanding of "forever" with Debbie stopped when she died.  For me "forever" is something you share.  The new meaning now, that of not to: see her, be with her, talk and share my existence with her, ever again, "forever", I find is so very devastating a statement of use to accept.  Yet I see that in my 'New World' I have been, sort of, waiting for my 'Old World' ~ the one I created with Debbie ~ to return, with all it's meanings.  Then I realize that is never going to happen..... and I have to remind myself that I must act how Debbie would have wanted ~ try and make the world around me a better place even if she is not in it.  It's tough!

Have a great weekend Jules.  Mine is restricted by having one of my daughters dogs for the period.  One that mine doesn't like!

Lots of seasonal hugs and virtual kisses.

Ian xx

Ian,

Sorry I have been a little busy and away this last week, ( Christmas family visits).

Just wanted to send you hugs and to say I will be chatting as I get back into usual routine.

Your comments have bben really interesting.

Bless you

hugs

Annabel. xx

Morning Ian,

Am at this moment feeling sorry for your dog!!  Do you have to keep them in separate rooms to keep the peace.

I will return those seasonal virtual greetings, hugs, kisses and thank you for your continued imput into the forum and my virtual support. Its so much appreciated when you are continuing such a difficult journey, caught between your old 'perfect' life and a new life that you need to make for yourself as you move through the grieving process as you know Debbie would want for you - not an easy task to concentrate on when there is so much thinking going on.

My hubby is plodding along and has just ordered his 'drug cocktail medications' so that we have a good supply in for the Christmas period (we are away for three days at his sisters).  He has a last visit to his GP 0n 23rd to monitor his 'anti depressent' usage but all appears much the same.  He did babysit on Friday for our daughter whilst she went to see her eldest school play and the thrill of the new baby's smile and the firm hold he had on my hubby's finger was beautiful to witness.

Take care of yourself and as always  your words are very thought provoking.  Jules xx

Thanks Annabel,

I know how busy this time of year can be and understand ~ but look forward to your return all the same .

I do seem to be slowly making progress.  I am finding the periods of coping ~ not ups but coping ~ are getting longer only the downs, when I get them, seem more severe!  I find myself ~ like with the 'silent scream' ~ sometimes, on my own, shouting: "I love you" out into the void.  Meaning it with every emotive syllable and accompanying tear. Yet knowing the target will never hear or know how much heart goes into it! .... and that hurts me more.  Such is bereavement for me!

Any way, whilst it is the anniversary of so much for me (Deb's last birthday, Xmas, New Year and my last birthday with her), it is a busy time and and I want to try and enjoy it with others: what they have, what I previously had and am determined to have again.

I'll let you know how I get on!

Lots of seasonal hugs, thoughts and kisses

Ian xx

Morning Jules,

It seems your Xmas arrangements are in constant flux and very demanding!  I know you will enjoy it, against these trying times, and hope everything does fit into place to make the break not too tiring for you.....Please do find some ME time in there for you too .... promise?

Yes I am having a difficult weekend!  The dogs do have their own places.  Luckily mine doesn't attempt to go up stairs whereas Jo's is allowed!  This makes separation for some of the time easier but they have to be walked separately and the weather today looks testing! They both bide for my attention when together!  Also Jo's Archie has already ensured I have a complete set of bedding on my spare bed in need of washing!!!  All my precautions ~ and I took them ~ seemed to have failed.  Archie doesn't like his feet touched and is very aggressive if you try to clean them after a walk - which doesn't help!!  That all said he is a very sensitive and loving ~ if bouncy at times ~ pup.

So hope your preparations continue to make progress.

Lots of seasonal love

Ian xx

Hi Ian

Your description of the dogs really  made me smile.  We ventured out at mid-day to the local garden centre and then dropped into local Farmer's Market as our son and his girlfriend were on a stall promoting local SCUBA Club they are involved with.  Their little Westie had been for walkies and was rather muddy!!  Needless to say she was so excited when she saw us that both our trousers look like we had been on a long muddy ramble instead of a 5 min slow walk in the rain.  I suspect you are a little worn out having to walk them separately and deal with emotional fallout of the time of year.

Thankfully my shopping is complete so when I finish work days this week I can go straight home (not one for enjoying crowds of mostly moaning shoppers!!).  Will visit Mum as usual on Tuesday (daughter and baby probably in tow) and then again at the weekend (with son) but will find some time for me to recharge the batteries over the festive break (especially as I am not cooking).  I do feel a little tired but its not worth worrying about. Like you keeping busy means a diversion from emotional thoughts though with the internet at home playing up I realised just how much I miss my virtual links.  Hubby has been playing with the wiring this afternoon and once again its okay so it must be a loose connection rather than anything major hopefully.

Take care of yourself and hope you and Jack get a bit of rest once your doggy lodger returns to your daughter.  peaceful thoughts and hugs  Jules xx

Hi Jules,

Yes I was pleased to see Archie return to his owner ... however, in rebellion, my Jack took to a whole day of guarding his food but not eating it!  ... just to make a point!!  Having done that now he has thankfully returned to eating this morning.

I had a nice day yesterday having lunch in Bills (the original one in Lewes) and catching up with a friend and former colleague of Debbie's who is also dying of prostrate cancer (that has gone to the spine)!  He has, however, had his one single extended dose of 'radio therapy' and this has really helped.  It could mean he will - all things being equal - possibly see Xmas 2014 too ~ fingers crossed.  He was in good spirits which was nice to see but made me realize afterwards, on the way home, just what a bubble this life thing is for all of us.  A bubble floating in the winds and fortunes of time, just waiting for it's time to burst .

Such is life.  Yet, while our bubble floats along, we must enjoy the journey we are on: However it turns out.

Lots of kind thoughts and I am glad you are going to be able to stay a little in the background and enjoy the festivities without the food to be bothered with .

Ian xx

Hi Ian,

Poor Jack, so traumatised by Archie's presence he went on 'meal strike' to show how much he disapproved - glad it did not last long and hope you are back in his good books.

Your lunch with the friend who continues to fight on against prostate cancer proves to us all that we must be grateful for what we have, even in the  most difficult of times and it would be great to have a repeat luncheon for 2014.  Perhaps we are all living in some sort of 'time bubble'.  My internet access is still erratic and it made me realise how much I have come to depend on my 'virtual life' for company.  Hope you are having some peaceful moments amongst the emotional ones and wish you and your children seasons greetings though suspect, like many on this forum, you will struggle during the festivities as best you can.  Take care and hope we chat again soon.  Jules xx

Hi,

... out with Jack and some close friends for a nice walk on the cliffs followed by a Pub lunch ...

............. today would have been Debbies 55th birthday !

xxx

Hi Ian,

Just wanted to send you love and hugs and let you know I'm thinking of you.

Jo xxxxxx