You sound lovely Nichola , your Mum is lucky to have you.

Mums milestone would be Feb 2014, as my Dad and Mum will be vpcelebrating 50 years of marriage, but we have decided to have the celebration in Sept/Oct this year just incase! If things are still ok in February, then we can celebrate again.

My situation is slightly "not the norm" as my Mum doesn't know she has cancer. She knows she's poorly and doesn't feel great, but thinks its her age...... You see, my Mum has Memory Loss Dementia which she has had sice her 60s.

So if we tell her it will go one of 2 ways........ She will either forget straight away, or she will keep repeating it, every minute of every day 24/7....... So we decided its best if she doesn't know, if she guesses then fine. But telling her would be too confusing.

If was a difficult decision, but the best we feel.

I know what you mean "jelous wise" my hubby has a heart op this week too, and I just keep thinking "why me" "what have I ever done wrong etc"

But then I remind myself of the wonderful mum/daughter and family times and realise I am lucky to have experienced those wonderful moments that some daughters/families never have.....

It's so hard, I know, but we ave to be the brave ones and thats the most difficult bit isn't it?

XX

Ps...typo's in my last post! Oops! Fat fingers on a mobile phones isn't good!

Hi Sazzle,

I see what you mean about your situation being slightly different to most. It must be a very very difficult time for you and your family, what with your mum having cancer and having dementia as well.

I do think you have made the right choice about not telling your mum she is ill with cancer, it would put such strain on you and it may even make your mum feel worse too!

50 years of marriage, that is an exceptionally long time! Your poor dad must be really going through the mill right now, he is lucky he has you by his side.

He must be so so worried and upset having to push through this awful situation, watching the woman he spent most of his life with deteriorate in front of him.

I hope your husbands operation goes well! you really are being put through it right now!

I am not brave at all, im such an emotionally weak person. Its always been my mam who was the brave one out of me and her,

she still tells me to be strong like her, but I just cant.

I hope youre ok

x

Thankyou Nichola

I too am not strong, I cry at the soaps!

But I do the act well.....

XX

Hi Sazzle,

Sorry for the late reply!

I know what you mean about crying at everything, I do as well! I would get a PhD in putting on a front and showing off a brave smile, honestly I would.

I hope youre doing ok love :-)

xx

Hey Nichola,

Firstly, just sending you a lot of hugs.

Secondly, I would contact your local hospice if you can and arrange for your mum to visit with them. I understand that they are specialists in helping people manage their pain so it isn't admitting that she will die soon by getting in touch with them.

Also, sometimes, the final stages can be really really painful unless managed really well. And so thye can talk to her about how she wants to die and how best to help make that happen.

My thoughts are with you and my heart bleeds... we need our Mums!

x waterbabe

Hey waterbabe,  thanks for your message.

I know I need to look into hospices but it's difficult because my mam has always said she doesn't want to go into one.

It's hard enough now and she is still at home at the moment.

The part that tears me apart the most is knowing I cant help her when I want to more than anything in the world.

To say im an emotionally weak person would be an understatement, its a horrible thing to say but I feel like im in limbo, I just dont want my mam in anymore pain I just keep kidding myself that something is going to happen and my mam is going to be ok but I know it wont happen.

I need to know what to expect towards the end because im already having counselling to help me cope now.

Do you have any experience of this horrible disease?

Best wishes

Xx

Hiya,

I think you are doing so well given the circumstances. I don't anyone can be tough when they face losing their much loved family member. I have helped a good friend in the aftermath of losing her husband last year to cancer and my other dear friend has a son fighting leukemia now. So I understand some aspects of what you're facing but I can't say "I know exactly what you're feeling".

The hospice comment was based on a comment from a blog I follow. The writer is in her late 20's now with stage 4 breast cancer. She says she looks forward to her hospice visits where they do some pampering and she can talk to a nurse about her pain levels. So whereas other cancer nurses you may have contact with focus on treatment and dealing with the side effects of that, the hospice nurses and doctors work on the cancer pain itself and managing that. They will come to your home and care for you there so she won't be taken into hospice unless she agrees to be.

So I'm not suggesting that this is the end (huge apologies if that's how it came across) - just that it might be worth investigating. I'm glad you are getting counselling, I think that will help.

I haven't been around during anyone's final stages so maybe someone else can tell you more from personal experience. I can tell you what I've read on many many blogs from cancer patients and their loved ones. Firstly, no one experience is the same. Some people do go relatively peacefully in their sleep. Some end up struggling in quite horrific ways. Secondly, the pain can get really bad. This is particularly difficult for the patient because they want the pain to end and yet emotionally/spiritually they don't want to die and leave their family behind. Sometimes they need their families permission to go. Thirdly, sometimes, due to the pain, a hospice is better because the family can focus on the patient and not worry about attempting to wash/move the patient and cause them further pain. Or having a nurse come regularly to your home can help too.

But I'm sure others can contribute more. I'm thinking of you at this time xxx

Hi Nichola,

I do hope you are doing ok, and that things regarding your Mum's future are becoming a little clearer, and that you are finding some of the answers.

I am sorry I have not replied sooner, but I have been trying to keep up to date with your thread.

The last few days have been a bit of a blur - last Wednesday, we received the phone call we were all dreading, to say that Mum's deterioration had now reached such a point that the hospice wanted us all to go and stay with her.  We had asked for this, as my brother and I are both such a long way away.  We all got there as quickly as possible and were able to have a few hours where Mum was in and out of consciousness, but I was able to say the last things to her that I wanted to.  She absolutely knew we were there, but after some time the nurses suggested that she be sedated as was becoming very confused and agitated, which was distressing for her and us.  She held on for just over 24 hours after this, but eventually slipped away from us in the early hours of Friday morning.  We wwre all at her bedside, and I sat with her for some time afterwards - I just needed to see her and hold her hand and stroke her face.  It was so hard to leave that room afterwards...

I can't really describe what life has been like since then - I thought I would be in the same sort of state that I was in when Mum first told us about her diagnosis, but am actually finding that somehow the knowledge that this would happen has helped.  I feel overwhelmed with sadness but it is accompanied by a sense of calm, and this feeling that I want to do everything possible to pay tribute to my mum and honour her memory.  I have had a few wobbles along the way of course...

I still have no idea what life without mum will be like, I have been having very strong urges to tell her things that have been happening - we were so similar, things that made me laugh or made me happy, I could almost guarantee would cause her to react in the same way.  I absolutely have to find a place where I can go and talk to her and tell her things, as I always did.

I am not quite sure if anything I am saying here will help you - I guess I just wanted to reassure you that my grief, although painful and profound, is somehow bearable as long as I remember all that was so wonderful about my mum.  I can't really explain it just yet, it hasn't really sunk i but I am coping better for trying to stay calm.

One thing I would say is that Mum's final days were much easier for all of us by knowing that she was somewhere that she wanted to be - she did not want to pass away at home, and wanted to be somewhere comfortable and where she would be well cared for.  With this in mind, I would  say that it absolutely must be your Mum's decision where she goes eventually, as in my Mum's case this was a major part of how she felt, and ultimately something that comforted us.

I am thinking of you lots, and wishing you and your Mum all the very best.

Take care,

Catherine x

Hi,

Just an idea but you may find reading my late wife's thoughts on the dying process some help with what you are and are going to to go through.

Much love

Ian (Haff1)

I know where you re comin from my head is all over I found out on Wednesday my mum has lung cancer n several deposits on her liver which is working it s way up her chest my mum is my world n I don t know how am supposed to deal with it she s home n havin Macmillan n district nurses attend regularly but I feel helpless