Hello Claire.  I am so sorry that you are going through this.  I am in the same boat as you.  As a teenager I also suffered with depression and I even attempted suicide once.  Oh the irony!  Now that I WANT to live, I am dying.  However, I don't believe that it is some type of 'punishment'.  You didn't manifest the cancer and neither did I.  Some folks get cancer and some don't.......we just happen to be amongst the ones who did get it.  Panic attacks are not pleasant are they?  I used to get them a lot when I was young........awful.  Like you, I am no longer able to go out, and I spend most of my days in bed.  Claire, I won't mention religion, because the last time I did, they took your post down, but what I will say is that I DO believe that we go to a better place.  I wish I could offer you some words of comfort Claire, but the only thing that I can say is that I know how you are feeling and what you are going through.  Forgive me if I don't always reply straight away, because I don't come to this forum every day.  It is quarter to 6 in the morning and I am having a cup of tea and thinking back over my life.......anyway mate, you are in my thoughts and my prayers, xx

Hello !! I’m so sorry you are going through this as well . I attempted it too when I found there was no help. For some reason i was obviously not successful. I too want to live .just like you I find myself going back over my life, thinking I should of said that or I wish I had been more confident ,not worried what people thought of me. Yes they did take my post down when you talked about religion. I let that upset me more then it should of . I think that’s what happens when you have lots of time to think about things. I take it out of proportion .You take care, talk to you soon., thank you so much for messaging x 

You're welcome Claire.  As you say, when you have got lots of time to think about things, your mind goes in to over-drive.  As I look back over my life, I realise that I spent too much time worrying about what other people thought of me.  As a teenager and young woman, I very much lacked confidence.  I keep thinking of all the mistakes I made in my life.  I think that when you know that you are going to die, your life comes back to you in sharp focus.  In fact, I am remembering things from my childhood that I had forgotten!  I am remembering my first day at school when I was 5 years old (how I HATED school......I was always the kid that got bullied). I made so many mistakes in my life that if there was an olympic medal for screwing things up, I would definitely get the gold!   Anyway mate, I can feel my painkillers taking effect, I am feeling very sleepy. I have just said a prayer for you, and when I am next on here, I will look out for your posts.  xx