This is how I feel and I'm only two weeks into this living hell. People say it will get better - how? People say he wouldn't want me to be sad - he also wouldn't want to be dead, but here we are

My dad went very suddenly, 67 years old - 12 days from diagnosis to death. I am 35 and bought my first house 2 years ago, we were renovating it together (I have no partner or children). I lived at home with him and my mum till January this year and I wish I never moved out at all. He was my best friend and we did everything together. It's sad but we were film and tv watchers together, that was our thing every night - even after I had moved out I would still come home for that

I honestly don't know how things can get better so it's comforting (although harrowing) to see someone feel the same wah

I am so so sorry for everybody's losses, the world is cruel

Cruel indeed. I'm afraid I don't have any comforting words and can't tell you that it "gets better with time." For me that has not been the case and I doubt that it will ever be the case. As I've said so many times in this forum (to the point where people are probably sick of hearing it), my dad was my world. I don't see how losing your world gets better in time.

That said, I'm glad you find it comforting to see/read that someone else feels as devastated as you. We're a very similar age (I'm 36) and, like you, I have no partner or children. So I think I can probably imagine to some extent how you feel. I imagine it's dreadful.

You may find it useful to hear from people other than me (on here), because (as you may have noticed from responses to my posts) others are more optimistic, philosophical or resilient than I am. I don't think it has to be utter misery for everyone. And I hope you find a way to manage. Just know that I sympathise and empathise deeply. These losses are too immense for words.

I can relate to all your feelings bras 1548.My wife died 12 months ago. and Sunday just gone was the first time we could get together due to covid19.  Even a year on walking towards where her ashes were to be scattered. I broke down saying I can't do this at the area we all held hands as my lad poured her ashes into the sea.

I miss my wife so much no more cuddles or her telling me to go to the doctors, As I have my own liver cancer to deal with, I'm also diabetic which brings more problems to deal with..

I have told my GP I have no confidence in the surgery diabetic team. how can someone who is just out of nappies tell a 60 year old man how to manage my diabetes. If they had diabetes them selves then I'd take their advice. but when they have only read books, then I have no confidence and have ask to be transfered to the hospital diabetes centre. If my wife was alive she'd have me by my ear and pulling to the doctors.

It's 15 months since i lost my husband to this horror and it stays with you, changed my life forever.  And i know what you mean about doctors just out of nappies! Took my Dad (early 80's) for his prostrate cancer checkup recently and the treatment is no longer working, the dr looked about 15 and said "no point doing more treatment now at your age, if I get to your age I'd be pleased with what I'd had, you've got about a year left". Don't care how old you are, noone wants to hear their time is running out and noone will bother doing anything. Insensitive to say the least I thought, but that's the inexperience coming through i guess in these young drs that get to play God!

I think there is a real kindness to you - even in saying things like there is nothing comforting to say, because truly there isn't - the world is different now, and don't know how you "get over" or "move on" from losing your world either? 

And I think you are incredibly resilient, it takes all the strength in the world to continue each day when you feel as if there is no reason to. Before this I would've been prone to darker and more sad thoughts, and am such a deep deep feeler and would be very emotional, and my dad was my greatest encourager to always try to be bright and look at the positives in the world and now that's gone.

I, like you, have no desire to really live anymore and the only reason I won't do anything about it is to spare other people a fraction of the pain I'm feeling now. I've a good immediate family around me (mum, sister, 5 nieces and nephews) and a couple good friends, but even still, grief is the most isolating thing in the world. Even they have all felt their really dark moments and these are not people who would be prone to that way of thinking, and I hate that they now understand the depths of despair

I really wish you well because (without sounding insincere or cliched since I'm so "early" into this whole thing) I think I understand a little of how you feel and it's horrific and I've honestly so much admiration for you to be able to have lived with such pain for 18 months. I am so so sorry for everything you've gone through, everything you are feeling and everything that you have to contend with

We had a young doctor tell us nothing would change with my dad's cancer in two weeks (it was found late, bowel cancer that had already metastasised to his brain), he was otherwise a fit and healthy 67 year old and while not curative, there was a treatment plan and he was dead 12 days later. I have no faith in what these people say anymore

plus I don't really understand the "nothing will change in two weeks", like cancer knew it was found so decided to give a reprieve for a couple weeks? Was such a silly thing to say 

the kick in the teeth was his letter came through to meet his oncologist the day after his death, scheduled for after his funeral

its horrific that anybody would say that to your dad, and I really hope if they get to his age that someone treats them with more compassion

life is just incredibly unfair

I get the impression you'd make an excellent counsellor. I really hope other people are as nice to you as you are/were to me in your response.

To be honest, it could be 18 minutes, 18 days, 18 months, or 18 years. I don't think it makes any difference to me. My father was my entire world and that fact doesn't change. I don't have much faith in other people or relationships, as they are all conditional, probably temporary, and invariably nowhere near as deep as my bond with my father. He was my soul, my heart, my lungs, my air, my oxygen, my light, my sunshine, my everything. He was the absolute centre of my universe. In fact, he was 85% of my universe. The remaining 15% doesn't mean much to me.

I'm very glad you have good family around you. Wishing you all the best

I still get teary eyed when someone mentions my wife saying how they miss her. I reply in my head not as half as much as I do. 12 months on, what I wouldn't do just to see her smiling face, a touch of her hand, a cuddle a kiss, Just like anyone would who's lost a loved one would.  I wish everyone good mental health and wish everyone well for the future.

Hi dexter your mum would be very proud of you .yes you are young to loose her .and life is hard .so hard without her . But you know she would want you to live your life and be happy .im sure shes around keeping an eye on you .hope time will make things a little softer.....i to have lost my son to this horrible illness .4 months and he was gone .i lost sam end of april he was just 25 .im broken. Ive come on this website to talk to people like yourself who has lost your lovely mum.i hope there up there dancing with the angels  .you take care hold your head high .your mum would be very proud

Love zoe

[@happiness]‍ 

What a lovely message considering the terribly sad time you are going through. May your son rest in peace, just like all the souls who have been taken by this terrible disease.

We are here for you.