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I can't live without my dad - anyone feel the same?

bras1548
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Hi everyone,

 

My father died almost 6 months ago. He was my best friend, my soulmate, my inspiration, my confidant, basically the love of my life. I will never love anyone that way again. He was my other half. We communicated almost every single day in some way (although I have regrets about how I handled this, which I may share another time). The point, though, is this:

 

I don't think I can live without him.

 

He meant more to me than life itself. He was my oxygen, my sunshine, my everything. He was the most remarkable and wonderful human being I have ever known (and will ever know). Every day now I have the pain of realising that he won't ever be with me again. I'm writing this post for one reason: to find other people who feel the same or at least similar.

 

Here are some things that I have NOT found helpful:

 

- People telling me to think about "what he would have wanted". Yes, of course he would have wanted me to go on and live my life. But I don't see how I can live a happy life without him.

 

- People telling me that things "get better in time." Maybe they do, maybe they don't. For some people they actually don't. Some people never recover from the loss of a loved one. He wasn't just a "loved one." He was EVERYTHING to me. And now I have the rest of my life to be WITHOUT him.

 

My love for my father was deeper and more intense than anything else I've ever known. Life feels completely meaningless without him. I have no interest in starting my own family; no interest in meeting somebody; no interest in connecting with others. Without my father in my life, those things don't mean anything to me.

 

The ONLY thing I want is to be with my father again - to wrap my arms around him and never let go. I've never felt love from anyone the way I did from him. He showered me with warmth and love.

 

Does anyone feel the same? 

 

Adam

 

 

  • Offline in reply to bras1548

    Hi, I lost my mom 4 months ago and I have the same feelings.  I don't know how I can go on without her, the rest of my family, Dad and Sister are already gone. I  Ilive in the US.  Since November I went back to my place in Las Vegas, I flew to where she lived in Florida yesterday.  Last night I was very sad but OK, no crying.  Today after starting to get rid of alot of her stuff mainly old papers, I finally broke down and have been hysterical for the last hour. I can't call anybody because I don't want to cry on the phone to them.  I spent a good deal of time in her house in the past.  I keep crying out I don't want to be here anymore, meaning on this planet. However I am here and I'm going to be here and that's what's the most frightening thing.  My mother didn't have cancer but she left fairly abruptly.  I'm don't feel like a full human being without her.  I cry out begging for someone to help me, knowing there is nothing anyone can do. Yeah I spoke with my nephew 2 days ago, we were never really close except when he was growing up.  I had to tell him it's been 2 months since you called, you said you were going to call in a few days, which he denied saying, he could have called anyway he knew what I'm going through, it was also his grandmother.  I'm 61 , he's 35.  During the conversation he said, people die and you have to move on, what a ***. I'm with you Bras. I don't want to live without my mom, but the fact is I'm going to have to, I'm not going to end my life. People say you have to keep busy, it sucks that you have to do that just to get your mind off the only person that was the most important person ever in my life. I guess that's all for now, I regret so much 

  • in reply to gpb959

    Hi gpb959,

    I saw your post and just wanted to send a reply to say I'm sorry to hear of what you're going through at the moment - it sounds like a really tough situation and especially with the difficulties with the family too.

    In terms of support, the services we would usually suggest on this forum are UK-based. However there are some resources for grief on this site here which may be of some help.

    Wishing you all the best and I hope that in time things gradually can become a little easier for you - or more manageable at least.

    Ben
    Cancer Chat Moderator

  • Offline in reply to gpb959

    Hi gpb959,

    You say: "I keep crying out I don't want to be here anymore, meaning on this planet. However I am here and I'm going to be here and that's what's the most frightening thing."

    I get that. I don't go more than an hour without thinking something similar. I too have essentially no interest in life when my dad is no longer with me. I wanted to go with him when he was dying. Being separated from my father is unacceptable to me.

    In your comments, though, I see strength and resilience: "I don't want to live without my mom, but the fact is I'm going to have to, I'm not going to end my life." That gives me hope - for you, anyway.

    When one person is your world (as my dad was for me and as your mum appears to have been for you), losing that person is like losing your world. But I am wishing you strength

     

    A

  • Offline in reply to bras1548

    Thank you and i also wish you strength, hopefully we can stay in touch

  • Offline in reply to Peacewind

    Hi peace wind,

    I came across this blog but I must say you put a lot of thought and effort for making time to respond to others with your meaning messages.

    You are making a difference.

    So Thank You 

    Take care

  • Offline in reply to BBraver

    Thank you, a lovely thing to say and i'm glad if it helps anyone going through this awful time. 

    Was lovely to read that and I hope you are keeping well yourself. 

    Peacewind x

  • Offline

    Hi Adam. TOTALLY!!!  Only lost my Dad 3 weeks today and everything you said feels like me looking in the mirror and talking. Strangely comforting to know I am not the only one who feels like this. We just need to understand there is no other way (*** and unfair) and what ever we can find to help get us through we must. Xx. 

  • Offline in reply to Wee_Girl

    Hi Wee_Girl - I'm terribly sorry to hear about your dad. It's been about 15 months since I lost mine but it doesn't matter. It could be 15 years, or a 15 decades (if one could live that long) and I'd still feel the same pain. I loved him more than life. I would have gone with him, if I could. Anything not to be separated from him. 

    I'm really glad to hear you're so determined to keep going. Personally I don't know if I can and I certainly know that I don't want to. I just want to be with my dad. That's it.

  • Offline in reply to bras1548

    I posted a long reply but I think it's gone. All I want to say is I'm so sorry. My dad died 3 months ago and it's the worst pain imaginable. It's just unbearable. 

    I often dream that he somehow recovered and when I wake up I realise...and the pain hits me like nothing else. 

     

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