My dad has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer for one year and one month. By the time we forced him to go the doctors, it was already too late to do anything and was terminal.
He is the strongest man I know, with an iron rod will which kept him alive.
4 weeks ago he went into a hospice and fought so hard, despite what everyone thought he carried on. Last night his breathing changed, mum called me from the hospice and I spoke to him over the phone on speaker. I told him about my day, I told him I loved him so much, I told him I would come and see him soon, that he must be tired so needs to try and rest. Then I said goodnight. He passed 30 monutes later but mum said he heard me because he tried to talk but couldn't. I had seen him that day and he tried to talk so much.
There is so much more I can say about Thursday day and the loss of him last night. My husband says I went into shock but I think there is something wrong with me because today I feel like it is not real. Despite being with mum today and knowing he IS gone...Part of me really isn't accepting it. Genuinely just feel like I will see him in a few weeks and he will be battling on like he always does. I am not delusional because I know I won't but I really can't seem to process the reality of it AT ALL.
I cried today when others got emotional and a fee times myself but I feel..I can't describe how I feel.
Internet says denial but does it not mean I am just a broken person? I feel like I can't remember his voice or his eyes already, I have not told anyone bar two people and that is it. I have a sheer panic at the thought of friends etc knowing. The thought of all thr texts and messages makes me feel anxious, I don't want it, I don't want any of it.
Why is cancer so evil. Why did I know it before but I was so naive because it isn't just evil, its insidious and removes you piece by piece. Till your body can no longer fight it anymore, when it has tried SO hard to keep you alive but it is a battle it can't win
I am sorry for huge post and ramblings but I would rather talk to people like this than be surrounded by people.
laura xx
