I lost my soulmate, best friend, husband of 38yrs last September to small cell lung cancer.  My heart is broken. I miss him more as each day passes.  I keep myself super busy to try and fill my time up as its too painful when I stop.  No-one really understands unless you have been on this journey.  I have been on group counselling sessions with others who have lost partners and that was helpful. Im back in work and thats helpful. I reach out to others who have lost partners as they understand.  My children are supportive but I cant burden them as they are grieving.  Its so lonely. I came on this web site last year when I was struggling as I am now.I am still in shock and cant believe hes not coming back.

I hope you are in a good place and getting on with life. People say it does get better, I hope so.

Hi ladies. I'm having a bad week. I didn't get out of bed on Sunday until 3pm, just couldn't summon the energy to get up and when I did I stayed in my pj's for the rest of the day. Monday I went to a garden centre thinking I'd do a bit of gardening but I was surrounded by couples, couldn't handle it and came home with no plants. I lay on the sofa for the rest of the day until my daughter came home from work and I put on my coping face. I can't stop going over my husband's last few months thinking about decisions we made, maybe we should have done things differently and he would have been here now; and his last week, should I have had him admitted to hospital, would they have given him iv antibiotics and cleared the infection. But they had told us he had only weeks and he wanted to die at home. This and other things go round and round in my head, when I reason with myself that nothing would have made a difference there always a 'but what if' as the next thought. Does this get any better?

Sue

Hi Sue, I know exactly where your coming from. My head is filled with 'what ifs' and would my husband still be here today 'if'. We mustn't torture ourselves like this, as this is what we're doing. I'm normally a very active person, walking the dogs pottering about, I can't keep still, but now since my husband passed away, I really can't be bothered anymore. It's now 4 weeks since he passed away, and it's just as hard and sad as that day, I cry at nothing and everything. I also put on my 'I'm coping ' face in front of people. I'm sure in time things will get easier. But at the time being I just feel happier when I'm sad if that makes sense...take care xxxx

Hi Suco. That makes perfect sense to me. Sometimes I think I'm wallowing in self pity but perhaps that part of the grieving process. Anger is supposed to be part of the process but how could I ever be angry with my husband when he fought so hard to stay with us, maybe the what if's are part of my anger. Thank you for replying, it does help to post on here and know that each of us isn't alone as grief is so isolating. Sue x

Hi Ladies

I know I am further along the timeline but still have times when I feel overwhelmed by the loss of my hubby.

Whilst our heads mostly understand they 'why's' I am afraid the 'what if's' tear at our heart until somehow we reach a small level of acceptance.  It all takes as long as it takes for individuals but our depth of love for those lost means we have to travel through a lot of emotional pain and at times I thought I would sink under guilty feelings of why I could not control what happened.

  Perhaps for me it was a little different because we had nearly three years to come through the cancer journey before hubby succumbed though I am not sure it prepared me any more for the final stages or that final goodbye.  I still weep when I go back there in my mind.  I was helped by talking on the forum where there is support so special because of the virtual understanding.  My hubby's GP also took me under her wing and I saw her regularly for 'chats' during my first year.  She helped me a great deal by just being honest about the disease and how it affects both the sufferer (my hubby's personality really changed and he pushed me away so he could deal with it himself) and those around them.

Sadly there is no easy way through the turmoil of losing your life partner but day by day (during the second year of loss) I found an acceptance and then focussed on making my hubby proud that I could do things on his behalf, if not my own.  There are blips aplenty but I am slowly replacing the difficult thoughts with the wonderful memories that I was lucky enough to make during nearly 37 years of marriage. In three weeks time I return alone to a holiday destination we shared just a year before we were engaged; am anxious but it is a need I have to fulfil.

Virtual support is amazing and I hope we can all help each other by sharing. Take baby steps ladies and be kind to yourself and seek support as and when you require it.  My thoughts are with you.  Jules x

Thank you Jules. This forum is helping me, grief can be very isolating and I sometimes feel so alone. It helps to know that others are going through the same situation and your kind words give me hope that I won't feel this bad for ever. Thank you! Sue x

Hi Sue

Yes, I definitely find that there is good understanding on this forum  and somehow writing down how I feel brings some release.  The grieving process seems to take many twists and turns and is different for everyone as loss is very personal.  Certainly for me much of the first year  (looking back) felt like I was just fearful of what the future would hold 'going it alone' and having to take control of everything.  It took a while to allow myself the right to begin to enjoy things  even whilst still feeing sad and hollow inside.   Life took on different priorites, I felt I needed to be alone at times but at other times I craved company.  I did so much soul searching before I found a form of acceptance at my  hubby's passing (those what if's and whys were constantly in my head).  The 'take it day by day' suggestion helped quite a lot and then I found that I needed to give myself small goals to get beyond my own personal grief so that I could be there for my children and grandchildren..

After over 40 years with my lovely man I decided (eventually) that I owed it to him to move forward and honour his memory as know he would not have wanted to cause my heartbreak.  Easy it is not and I still miss him.  Life is different but not impossible and I am still setting those goals to give me focus.  One thing is definite I am a better person for having had hubby in my life and I carry him in my heart wherever my life takes me.

  For me a huge 'goal' awaits this weekend (going on holiday by myself) and I am filled with trepidation and hope I am doing the right thing for me but I need to do this - really cannot explain why other than it seems an important step in my own grieving journey.

Be kind to  yourself and allow the emotions to flow as I am sure this is all part of the slow but sure healing process.  Take care.  Jules

Dear Jules, reading this you come across so strong albeit your still grieving, you give me so much inspiration that one day I will as strong as you seem and I too will be able to move forward, but still hold my husband close in my heart. It's still early days for me and I find myself feeling guilty if I forget to say morning or goodnight to him, or laugh, I know he wouldn't want me to feel like this but at the moment I don't know I can feel any different. Enjoy your holiday have a great time...x

sue

suco.

Hi Jules and Sue,, I lost my husband last September to lung cancer and reading these posts, you are inspirational.  I feel it is a roller coaster ride that only people in our shoes totally understand.  I battle through each and every day and nobody would tell what im going through inside. It is such a painful journey and very lonely. Keeping busy is my moto and thats the advice I would give to anyone recently bereaved. I have joined a walking group, running group and feel drawn to anyone in a similar situation as mine as I know they truly understand. Have a lovely holiday Jules.  Im going this Saturday too with my daughter, husband and 2 year old grandson,, it will be different but im determined not to show my daughter and family any of my own sadness,, it will be another first, take care . xx