Lost my wonderful partner four months ago to bowel cancer. Its hard to describe how deverstated I feel. Life seems like an impossible burden that I don't wish to be part of and truthfully, I would rather be non-exsisting with him, then here without him. We had only six years together from the moment we clapped eyes on each other, to the day he died in my arms and they were the happiest and most fulfilled years of my life. I waited a long time for him and meeting him made all the ordeals in my quest for love seem worth while. However I know my partner died a very happy man in the sense that he felt completed and validated at the end of his life and that does comfort me. We looked after each other as he was dying  and we both knew we  were commited to each other. Lately I have recognised that the love we shared doesn't go away and my search for love was realised. I find myself still consulting him and asking his opinion.(in my thoughts of course). Things he said to me come back and make me smile again. I realise he will always be with me and I can keep him with me for as long as I wish to. This new revelation makes me feel better. Without being morbid, I now look forward to death and the chance for re-connection but recognise that life is for living. I can do this with a mixture of remembrance and renewal.