Hi Nicola .... It is so very difficult to offer you the advice you need because we are all such different souls and cope with bad things in different ways.  It is still very raw for your Mum to have heard that her disease has spread and takes a while to get your head around it.  Like me, she probably doesnt want to know a particular time-scale and to be honest no doctors can predict it anyway because it depends on how well you respond to treatment and how and where the cancer progresses.  I know a lady who has spread to her lungs (and leukemia) and was told she had months to live in 2009 and she is still doing well and I was also told that I had 3-6months in 2012 but despite liver, lymph and brain mets, I am still here and living a normal life.

You say that you dont know what to say to your Mum - but just carry on as normal. Talk about all the things you have always talked about and just make sure that she knows you are always there for her and will support her whatever the future brings.  I crave normality away from the 'cancer' world and maybe that is what your Mum feels too.  She will have her fill of hospitals, treatments, etc and no doubt just wants to go to the shops with her daughter or sit and chat, or have a pub lunch - whatever was normal before this news.

You will find that the McMillan nurses at your local hospital are a great source of information and offer counselling services and there may also be a support group in your area.  However, I choose not to visit them at this time as I prefer to see my friends and not dwell on my illness.

I am sorry I cannot be of more help and wish your Mum all the very best with her treatment.  My oncologist always tells me to think that I am living with cancer, rather than dying with it. It is incurable but treatable, rather like a diabetic I guess.  Just takes time to get the right mindset and I have had a lot longer to come to terms with it than your Mum at this moment in time. x

Hi Nicola, whilst I am happy my mum did not suffer as such we were all knocked sideways to lose her so suddenly. It may sound corny but I wish wish wish wish wish I had 1) told her how much, despite out occasional quarrels that I loved her to the moon and back 2) what an amazing mum she was - told us we could achieve anything  and didn't have to do ANYTHING 3) asked her to visit me in whatever way if there is an afterlife of any sort 4) we never knew what kind of funeral she wanted (sorry this will be hard to read)

I would have told her that we would be strong and stick together no matter what and that she had nothing to fear. Even though I've totally fallen apartment  some days.

After she had gone, we desperately started to read books on afterlife. My mum was a nurse and believed in science, so my sister and I go the book about the science of afterlife by Deepak Chopra (?) - I've even visited a spiritualist, twice. Many weird things have happened....since she went.if it was me, I would go to a hospice and ask the staff what kind of things to ask your mum...whatever doctors say you have no idea if it might be weeks or years. I'm so very sorry for you, your family and your mum - try to make sure you have everything said that needs to be said. Re the hospice a friend of ours went into a hospice severely year ago and they had all sorts of questions which he laughed at as he told us, but we're very deep and I am sure comforting as he did die a few days later.

Sorry I'm on an iPad and the cursor keeps moving to the top and bottom . Love to anyone who is reading this as they are affected. I've had a bad day again today - I miss her so much x

Max, your post made me cry. Some people are so very brave and strong, lots of love to you xxx

Oggi - I thought I was getting through it ok until today. Had a great day with my amazing son (who was very close to his nana and had handled it amazingly well at just 8yo).... A couple of friends let me down on various things (mainly to do with children socialising) and the next thing I think everybody hates me...I know it's me and the grief but I miss her so much and I don't think I'll ever get over it - you mum passed 8 months ago and I feel for all you must have been through in that time x 

Dear Soozee ..... I am so sorry to hear that you have had such a bad day today.  I lost my Mum very suddenly when I was 19yrs old and remember the desperation that I felt at that time. Life seemed to be going on around me but mine had stopped - it is very hard to describe but I know you understand.  You are so right to say to Nicola to make sure she tells her Mum how she feels about her - like you, I have regrets about things that were left unsaid.

Despite my own strength, I have two beautiful children who I know will suffer terribly when the time comes for me to leave them and it worries me daily.  I can only hope that I have set them a good example of how to cope with adversity and that they know how precious life is and live it to the full.  I believe in life after death and coincidentally have been to see a medium this evening with my daughter.  We didnt get a message but he was brilliant and brought comfort to many of the people there.  I have been involved with spiritualism since losing my Mum many years ago.

I am glad that your son is handling the loss of his Nana so well - kids are so resiliant. Your Mum has left you the wonderful legacy of how to be a great Mum and that is what she would want you to concentrate on - enjoying and loving your family, until the time when you are with her again.

Max x

Hello again Max, 

I am not on an iPad this time - no more predictive text!

I am so sorry that you lost your Mum suddenly at 19. That must have been horrendous; such a young age. I am sure you will have given your children everything they need to handle the situation and what fantastic advice about living life to the full.

I am probably one of the lucky ones, as I had my mum for a while compared to some; and my son had a Nana for 8 years.

Take care. You are so strong and sound like a truly wonderful person.

Suzanne xx

hi soozee, i know how you feel i have good days and bad days, and i hate tuesdays now because i used to out with mum, now its just sticking in the house and whats worse the bus stop is only out side the house, so every time i go out it reminds me of standing by mum waiting for the bus , it really hurts knowing that those days are gone, the only consolation i can take is happy memories, cause i know nothing is going to bring mum back, at the same time i have got to take into acount that other people share the same agony and i feel for them at the same time, i am lucky to have had mum for seventy four years and if it was not for that dam cancer i would have certain mum would have made it to her eighties, at the end of the day just think of the happy memories i know its hard but i am sure you will; get there like i , take care  oggi

Bless you Oggi....they wouldn'y want us to be sad. I am sure you Mum is still with you x

hi nicola

hope you dont mind me posting , im not a very strong person emotionally like your mum 2 years ago my mum had breast cancer, which was removed and in their words cleared, only to find out months later due to constant leg pain tht it is in her lungs an bones, she tried chemo , and radiotherapy , and we lost the battle on sunday , i would just say to you spend as much time as possible with her, an talk to her about any thing you need to say. sending you positive thoughts and hugs x