Well i never thought I would write anything about my daughter her cancer or experiences. To try and make anyone reading this understand I will try and make you understand. We all have special loved ones or children but there are a certain few that shine that bit brighter.

My daughter was born 01st June 1999. She was a quite baby with her quirks like not falling asleep unless she was in the car or plonked in the washing basket watching the washing machine go round to fall asleep. Her childhood she was very much a girl but also a tomboy with already an incredible personality she was blonde with blue eyes and stunning. I took her on holiday to turkey she wore the official Turkish outfit. I'm not Turkish but she chose it. Upon wearing it out in Maramaris she was mobbed by everyone for her beauty. She was one of a kind.

I was a part time dad all her life, I never missed a beat she came first in everything I did. She got a great stepfather too but me and her we were best friends. We would watch movies together mostly scary and eat junk in bed for which she loved. Getting older she adored boys especially one direction they were her idols and she seen them many times. She was not a bad girl with very few mistakes but full of funny stories. She was special as she insisted I knew everything about her life and her life with boys. I would know everything that a father most certainly won't want to hear but it's how she wanted to be with me and I respected that. At least I knew.

Then approximately 7 years ago she had this pinkie weird coloured mole on her arm. She never told us straight away she would hide it with a plaster. Eventually we found it and off to the doctor's and hospital she went. They took a biopsy and confirmed it was Melinoma Cancer. I did not think this cancer was anything to worry about. After an evasive operation they cut my baby very deeply to remove it all the cancer. The scar was horrendous but it got better over time and she was all clear. 

A couple years later in the shower she found lumps in her arm pit. Back to hospital more tests and scans she was stage 2 melinoma. The lump was working towards her breast. They decided to open her ribcage to get to some of the cancer and removed all lymph nodes in her left arm. This was an horrendous operation but she bossed it and was back to herself in no time. She was all clear. She got a bf a car a house some cats she was happy. Then just like before she was in the shower a lump in her back. Hospital again this time it had returned very angry and was eating her spine this was now stage 3 melinoma. They advised they will operate on her remove what they can, encase concrete around the tumour on her spine so it cannot grow anymore and put two support rods in her back. This was very painful and for a little while she suffered with her back in pain. Before long she had to give up her new happy life and live back with mum it was too much. Unbelievably during the start of her cancer experience she qualified up to level 3 in hairdressing and qualified in business startups. 

Back home the pain was too much. More scans, we found the cancer has spread all over she is now stage 4 Terminal. She was on Radiotherapy Chemotherapy and immune therapy she never lost her gorgeous hair and she still went out partying and living life to the fullest. Eventually it go so bad it paralyzed her kept her bed bound at home. She deteriorated so fast she ended up in Loros. They were brilliant but she lasted 3 days in there before she passed. She was my everything I have no other children no partner no parents I'm alone. 

I've never felt this way. I had stabbing pains in my stomach that come back, my breathing sometimes goes rapid. I feel incredibly guilty and say sorry all the time because I failed to protect her. I'm not a man that shows emotions but I find myself on auto pilot breaking down like a child. My future I feel there is nothing, I feel permanently numb and I badly so very badly want to be with her but my good friend I've known for years and I class as a brother will not leave me alone. 

This is the worst pain losing your child I can not compare it to anything I've ever known she is everywhere. I had to put her childhood pictures adult pictures cards letters to me gifts all in a box and seal it up and store away. The pain to see this stuff is like being punched. I can no longer stay at my flat my daughter stayed with me most weekends since she was young and now it feels like a tomb. I'm forever hurting and missing her so badly. I thought I would share this with you.

My daughter was just 25 when she died, no children as cancer already robbed that opportunity.