Cancer took my husband

My husband had been diagnosed with rectum cancer spread to liver and eventually his lung in 2021 , he was a lovely kind hard working family man and for the first 2 years no one could even tell he was poorly, but as the chemos  stopped working he lost a lot of weight and then  he got worse very quickly, he sadly died at home 2 weeks ago and I miss him so so much,  I cry then I don’t cry or I can’t cry I feel like I’m freaking out , I want to run and scream , then I feel numb , and so low in a dark dark place I’ve never experienced anything like this , I don’t see a purpose anymore , we spent every day together and now I’m alone . My rock and my best friend has been taken from us  at just 56 years old ! I just cannot believe he’s gone / nor do I want to . Life is so cruel ️ ️. X

  • Hello Sherrat!

    I can resonate well with what you posted. I am just over 7 months in from losing my dear husband of 40 years to bowel cancer. He fought it for almost two years and at one point did go into remission only for it to come back for him five months later and this time it wasn't leaving without him. Like you he was my best friend and soulmate and we did just about everything together. Life is so cruel. I too find I can't cry for him. I did plenty when he was going through his illness to an extent I thought I would never stop. So weird now when I want the tears to come they don't I feel if I could have one big outburst I would be ok after that. The house is so quiet without him and just now all I see is the future stretching out in front of me and sometimes scared about where it will take me. I have been having bereavement counselling and it works just having someone to talk to who understands what you are going through helps and it's good to know what you are feeling now is not unusual and you don't feel then as you are going insane. The winter months have been really long this year and are just not done yet. He retired 5 years ago and after that never got to enjoy his retirement at all. GP's oncologists, specialists, clinics etc all became an everyday occurrence whereas before when he worked for 50 odd years solid he never had a need to to see a GP or be in a hospital. He passed away on the 23rd June last year (2023) he was officially diagnosed with his bowel cancer in July 2021. At then end he ended up having numerous bouts of Sepsis and each time this required him being admitted to hospital nearly moreso on a monthly basis. He held on to have one last wedding anniversary with me on the 21st June last year and then finally passed in hospital on the 23rd he wanted to be at home but in the end this was just not possible.  I have been ok but like a cruel twist of fate my older sister got a bowel cancer diagnosis also just two months after my husband passed but she is now recovering well and her situation was not as serious as my husbands so it's been quite a few months for me. Some days are still a bit dark and I find that I just do not want to leave the house but I am making efforts to try to get motivated and hopefully through time things will get better. My best wishes to you moving forward. 

    Vicky x

  • Hi vicky 

    Nice to hear from you ! So very sorry to hear this , isn’t it awful , and he was in remission too only for it to come back . My husband had sepsis too , these poor men stripped of their health by this cruel unforgiven disease breaks my heart .  I hate it ! 
    Graham was such a strong positive man a father and granddad , he had lots of friends was part of a successful pool team and a truly wonderful husband . I simply cannot believe he’s gone . I’m currently on holiday with my daughter and granddaughter on a cruise on the North Sea and I’m miserable. I’m trying to be upbeat for them . Graham would have been here and it’s just so so sad without him. 
    You say your 7 months in and by the sounds of it your doing your best by making an effort and keeping motivated but I know the dark times you mention only to well . 
    what a awful shock for you about your older sister too ,  I really hope she can rid this evil disease . 
    My wedding anniversary is June 11th , graham passed away last October unfortunately despite doing really well the last few months seem to hit hard and he drastically went downhill fast . 
    I don’t want to be here without him, there’s no point anymore , but what choice do I have . I will always love him and he will always be my wonderful husband . 
    Appreciate you message  xx