Just over two years ago, my amazing mum was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer. She had a hysterectomy and chemo but the cancer kept coming back and she was placed on a trial to keep it at bay – about a month ago we had just had some great news that she was down to two very small tumours that were shrinking with treatment but we recently found out the cancer has spread to her brain.
She had static radiotherapy and we thought she was just suffering with side effects but two nights ago she was taken to hospital with pneumonia. Since then she has been so weak and she can't breathe unassisted. One of the nurses basically suggested we remain on standby but when I have been calling the ward they just say she's looking better or she's not had a great night, basically not breaching patient confidentiality but I am too scared to ask anyone for the truth as I am trying to stay strong for everyone. Mum says she has no intention of "going anywhere" so I have downplayed the seriousness of it to my younger siblings and her family but it means that I have no one to truly share my fears with so I guess that's why I am writing here.
I feel like if I truly face up to what is happening then I am just going to crumble and be of no use to anyone. I want to stay strong and stay busy but the horror of what is happening keeps on hitting me over and over again and I feel like I am already grieving for the strong, funny, witty and indepedent person that my mum was and sometimes still is.
Alongside all of this is just the fact that I feel so cross at just how wrong this is. I would never wish this on anyone ever and despite the fact that millions of people have been through the same thing, I feel so alone. I was 21 when my mum was diagnosed and the thought of losing her so early just fills me with shock, as if something like this shouldn't be "allowed" to happen. It truly feels like my heart has broken.