Hello there.  It is bad enough to be going to lose your boyfriend without feeling guilt about the difficult period that you are all entering.  I wonder how he feels just waiting to die.  Awful for everyone I imagine.  You will manage - you have been going through hell for some time now and this is the latest manifestation of that.  I suppose it is not something you can plan for because you don't expect to be put in this situation.  Don't feel guilty; you cannot help your  feelings and despite it all, you are still being there for him.  I expect his parents are going through an awful time too; I cannot imagine how it feels waiting for your child to die.    Do you feel able to talk to his parents (away from him) pointing out that, well, nothing is going to make a lot of difference now and he cannot control how he feels?  Golly, I make it sound so simple but it must be so dreadful all round.  I think that some months down the line you don't want to remember his last days as unremittingly awful so maybe it has to be all about him now.  Are the two of you able to talk openly?  Sorry not to have replied before I have been away a bit (house hunting - it must sound like a different world to the one you are in).  Keep in touch. Annie

Hey Annie, thank you for being there.
I'm not exactly sure what he wants... I think is like you said he is dealing with all this... I have moments when I can distract myself, whereas he is dealing with the disease 24-7. The pain and discomfort do not let him forget he is sick...
You know, there was a time that I thought I couldn't handle this, but now after all we went through I actually feel strong, I know it will continue to be difficult, but I think I'll get throught it.
Yes, especially his poor mother, you can honestly see how upset she is. His parents take care of all of his needs, but he's angry with them instead of grateful (I guess he's angry with the disease but his parents are the punching bag). I am able to talk with them, I actually might spend more time with them now because my boyfriend is always sleeping.
I have been trying to talk with him, but nothing can help him, except support and palliative care... We try to make him feel the most normal possible, and make the most of the time we have... 
haha I actually might also move (looking for accommodation near the new job) but I'm not sure I'll find anything better than what I have now.

Thank you and take care**

I am so pleased to read that you are feeling up to coping with this (although I don't imagine for one moment that it is anything less than b....y awful).  I was worried that I may be saying "you can do it" when you might be thinking "I cannot" so please don't feel you cannot break down at any point.  I was feeling that you were a strong person (which I still think you are) but that doesn't mean that you have to be strong and cope with things all the time.    Often I read  terrible stories and it sometimes appears that all the different people involved are locked in their own situation so it was good to hear that you and your boyfriend's family are sticking close to each other albeit with occasional difficulties.  But even now you are thinking of them and how you can help them which is so good.    I guess you are right in feeling that he is taking out his frustrations on his family but - as you clearly know - that is because they will love him unconditionally no matter what happens.  Bless you for thinking of them in the way you are.    I sometimes think of you in this situation where you cannot move forward or do anything other than give unconditional support and love - and you are certainly doing that.  Annie

Yes... Living in a different city for one hand is good because it makes me feel distracted and not being in the situation all the time, but on the other hand, I cannot support him on a daily basis. I know I can break any time, that is actually part of my and others lives, ups and downs... For the time being, I have been feeling good trying to enjoy the little things around me, like yesterday I went for a walk and took some photographs, it's one of my passions. I know that at any time those sad feelings can come back and make me go to the bed crying. 
It is much harder on the weekends, being with him unfourtunaterly. He's always in pain and disconfort... Last saturday he broke out in tears, but I helped him coping and let him cry. I think it's normal to cry, and it's good that he knows I'm there for him. I'm a bit worried though, because now he struggles to text, so I have to call to check on him. He had to go to Lisbon to continue with chemotheraphy and when he came back to his town, on sunday, he vomited and was sick :/

Oh dear; it is sounding fairly grim as well as heartbreaking.  It is bad enough that he is terminally ill and in constant pain - the palliative care does not seem to be achieving much?  I do feel for the two of you - he has nothing to look forward to and even the time left to him is causing such pain.  This wasn't how you imagined the life you would have together.  It must be worrying him being on his own and finding it difficult to text.  Perhaps you could have short codes for him to let you know he is okay or alternatively he needs you to come over.  Just a jumble of vowels for "I'm okay" and consonants for "I'm really bad".  That probably sounds a bit mad but you would know what was happening.  Will his parents be carrying out the full-time care when he needs it at all times?  Do you see him most days; I can imagine it is hard to have anything like a normal conversation - does he still have the interests he had before his diagnosis or perhaps he is in too much pain to to bother?  Be kind to yourself.  Annie

Thank you Annie for replying so quickly and for showing such concern. It is indeed difficult, especially for him and his mother. Yes, only this week a team of palliative care is being assigned for him, but he even started taking an opioid-like medicine and he still complains about pain... I'm afraid he might get hospitalized shortly... By your words, you really understood well our situation.
It's a really gloomy situation considering that he is pretty young (43y)... That's actually not a bad idea :) shortcodes for messages like "I'm ok" or "I'm not ok". Thanks for the tip.
Yes, his parents still live with him and he is their biggest occupation. At least he is in good hands, despite him getting so upset with them. I can only see him on weekends, but I spend all the time with him from Friday to the end of Sunday. My city is 2h30 away from his... 
Sometimes he does stuff like playing board games with some friends, but most of the time he is not able to do much. Unfortunately, he now spends most of his time in bed watching tv...  

Thank you again <3 

Hi,

My boyfriend is pretty bad... He was admitted to the hospital on Monday due to vomiting with a lot of blood. Today he was hospitalised in a more suitable room. I couldn't handle the news from the distance, he has been given "days to live" so I rushed to come to his city and spend the afternoon with him (the visit hour). 

I feel like I'm being a rock, but I feel much calmer besides him, and knowing that with the morfine he is now pain free. Everybody is visiting him, perhaps the last chance to say goodbye. I can't cry in front of other people, it's just the way I am, and his father is so depressed that he is on medication so I also feel I'm here to support his parents.

I love him so much, and I miss him (I say miss because I'm losing the way he was), I'm sleeping in his room surrounded by his stuff... I wish I could have him back all healthy and fine. But I do feel that maybe I'm repressing some feelings, perhaps keeping energy for what is yet to come although I know that this rock may come down one of these days.

Sorry for the long post.

With love, 

Lonelygirl

I am so sorry; even though you knew this would be the outcome I can only imagine it is like a bolt being shot tyhrough your heart.  My apologies for not replying sooner; my broadband is playing silly b.....s and I keep losing the connection after a few minutes - they are going to upgrade the system.  I understand what you mean when you say the man and the relationship are so different from what you had.  Given the awful situation you have done a good honest loving and conscientious job; not much consolation in one sense.  But you have coped well and put your boyfriend and his family first; not a job you would have chosen but given the circumstances you have done well.   Remember that in the hard times that are yet to come. So sad and such a waste of the young life of a nice man.  Annie

Hi Annie, thank you so much for your response, it means the world to me. I feel so sad and exhausted. I wouldn't ever imagined that one day my boyfriend would be so sick that I would need to help him to get up, take him to the bathroom, pull off his pants and help him pee. 

I feel strong and I feel I'm able to go through this, it's just that today I got so tired of being a "nurse". It's completely different, he almost doesn't react because of the morfine. Everything is difficult, watching his family and friends, watching and taking care of him ...  I don't know what to do on Sunday... if I should go to my city to work (taking the risk of him dying while I'm there) or staying here (cuz it's seems I'm waiting for him to die or something). I think you're right I'm doing everything I can for him and I think that although it's difficult to him, he probably is also grateful... I just feel very tired today because I spend a lot of hours in the hospital. But at the same time I cannot rest probably. I'm sorry for complaining so much, I'm avoiding being too emotional. Here is a place that I can vent all out. That is true that I have to keep recharging batteries because the worse is yet to come..

Thank you for being there...

My boyfriend passed away on the 25th of march, this past Monday by morning. He was in the hospital with his mum and he started taking slower breaths until he finally stopped...

I don't know what to say, I might not even be feeling the real pain yet, as I am so distracted with the funeral and all the received condolences. I can't believe I will never see him again.

I got so attached to his friends and family, and I'm so afraid they will abandoned me, although they seem really fancy me too (mother's boyfriend said she would go to my wedding when I found another man...) ... I don't want to be alone again (in terms of support), I've dealt with so much by myself ... At the same time is hard looking to his brother because he is so similar, something that scares my heart.

waiting for some comforting or wise words for this moment and the feelings yet to come...