Hi

Firstly, I must say how full of admiration I am for you in dealing with your situation, my wife is in a hospice and I know that I would not cope with her at home. If she had wanted to be at home then the hospice had  said that nursing could be arranged 24/7 the only way I could have coped.

As for how long, the doctors say it is not an exact science so as you say everyone is different. The signs I was told to look for are cold hands and feet, although the person will not realise they are cold, and a change in breathing. But don't get hung up on these as when visiting my wife she has  displayed these syptoms but she carries on, as another person told me here, you will know when the time comes.

Your father has similarities to my wifes condition and she  has been in the hospice since Christmas Eve, being given a couple of weeks, she is not eating much, some days nothing, but has good days but increasingly few. But, here we are nearly 6 weeks on she still goes on and like you I think that each morning will bring news of her passing, the doctors have said this is possible but no more likely than at any other time.

I have posted my own thread trying to deal with the waiting and the stresses caused all I can say is it a very difficult time and that I have found strength from posting and the replies, so please keep talking.

My thoughts and best wishes are with you.

Thankyou so much for the reply, so sorry you are going through this as well.

Just been into my dad's room and he was cutting all his cards and driving licence up, said he's finalising everything, said he's exhausted and scared, said he thinks he will pass away this week, I am crying writing this as this was so hard to hear. Of course I know he can't know that but was so hard hearing him say that as that's what he has been thinking about.

He sleeps nearly all the time now and when not just stares into space with a vacant look in his eyes.

This is so hard.

Sorry for the ramble and Thankyou for replying, my thoughts are with you.

Thanks graham,

Yeah I had read about the breathing, my sister was here yesterday and she did say her goodbyes, my dad did know she was there but was slipping in and out of sleep. The Chaplin has now been as dad wanted to see him, dad managed to have a quick chat and prayer with him, he seemed to get comfort from that.

Will see what the nurse has to say as she's due round soonthankyou for your reply 

OK like I say people have different experiences and it not knowing about what would happen was a concern to me - we go on endlessly about the mechanics of sex and birth but never about death! So I managed to talk to the palliative care team who were brilliant and explained to me about the breathing, They also told me that sometimes there can be sort of shaking or twitching that can be upsetting for people with them and if that does happen then they can give them a muscle relaxant to stop it.

My wife didn't have that, the irratic breathing calmed and slowed and at the very end there was a short judder (her heart stopping?) and her head rolled to one side, rather disconcertingly like the movies! and she was gone, no "rattle" in her breathing which I think can happen too.

We stayed a few minutes and I went to get a doctor to do the formalities and the youngest lad came in who looked terrified! I have a distinct feeling it might have been his first - it was that time of year. He spent quite a long time on his tests and then said "sorry for yourloss and went out backwards as if on wheels - bless him - we've all got to start somewhere I guess!

I hope that helps a bit

Thank you again, the information really helped, dad was in pain with his stomach and nurses came and have fitted syringe driver, they said they come back every day to top it up as lasts 24 hours, his soles of feet being blue said it's normal, I asked her the dreaded how long question and she said she thinks long days.

So let's see what tomorrow brings, thanks for replying again it means alot.

Likely to be fentanyl in the syringe driver en.wikipedia.org/.../Fentanyl it's an amazing drug a sythetic opiate first formulated in the 60s

It's 100 times more powerful than morphine so they can get a whole 24 hours worth into a single syringe

I can't imagine what hospitals would be like without the poppy

It has a very different symbolism for me now 

Best of luck, likely to be a memorable week come online when you need to chat

He's gone, my heart is breaking, he went this morning at 08.45 x

I'm so sorry for your loss. My mum passed away on Wednesday evening. I wasn't there but I had been there every day in the 6 days previous. We had some precious moments together and I was able to help care for her. 

It was my first experience of death so up close and it will live with me forever. 

I know exactly how you feel. Come back to chat whenever you want xx

Hello Spurs24, 

So sorry to hear your news. We send our condolences and thoughts to you at this difficult time. 

Please do post here if and when you feel you need to. 

best wishes, 

Jenn
Cancer Chat Moderator

Ah - he knew didn't he.

I take it from the precise timing that you were there with him at the end.

I think that you can be very proud of yourself that you gave him the best possible ending with minimal pain.

You did good!

Next few days, maybe weeks you'll feel in a complete emotional whirlwind, then busy contacting people and making arrangements for the funeral (dont let the funeral directors rip you off!)

Then everyone will go back to "normal" and you'll get an inevitable "Now what" sort of low. - Be ready for that.

Stay on the forum there are lots of us here to help you get over things

It'll be OK
 

relly sorry for your lose, I can imagine how your feeling, your Dad is in a happier place with no pain .

God Bless Pal. xx

So sorry to hear your news, stay strong and remember your own needs.

Peace has come to your Dad and may you find peace also.

Best wishes

Deggsy 

So sorry to hear your news, stay strong and remember your own needs.

Peace has come to your Dad and may you find peace also.

Best wishes

Deggsy 

Hi all,

Me again thought I would pop back on. Well it's been 11 days since my loveky dad passed away.

Been a bit of a whirlwind to be honest. I went to see him last week and he looked very peaceful, didn't look like my dad tho. I'm going again this Thursday as well, it's his funeral Friday and feel Everthing feels quite final.

I get upset at random times, and I'm talking to him out loud which actually helps. Dad died in my home in my bedroom so we're not bk in there yet. Need to re decorate and get new bed and stuff as feels weird otherwise. 

I miss him so much and can't Imagine life without him but I know he wouldn't want me moping about, just so hard isn't it. I'm going back to work the 7th as I've been off a couple of months to look after dad full time, I know I need to go back but know everyone will be asking.

I was glad I was there when he took his last breath but can't get it out of my head, hopefully on time I will.

Hope everyone is coping ok and Thankyou to everyone that replied to me, it was a great help. I just need to sort myself out as feel like I'm struggling at the mo.

Really good to hear from you again.

Yes being there when someone you love takes their last breath isn't something you forget is it? it rather marks you.

I don't know if my experience will help, people are very different but yes the time leading up to the funeral is a whirlwind and the funeral itself can be pretty emotional.

Then everyone goes back to their daily lives and you feel rather left alone in your own world which is now lacking. So that's when you can get a bit low if you don't keep yourself busy so good to hear you're going back to work that will help.

You really do expect them to walk in any time don't you - I still think "Oh I must tell...Oh right" but I think that's totally normal and I don't let it upset me.

I also tend to say that when you're grieving your mind is not your friend. You may find that you're drawn back to thinking about the most painful moments, their actual last moments, things you wish you'd done differently - it's really easy to end up tormenting yourself. Don't give into it - you're most likely not ready to remember some of this right now and if you find yourself dwelling on painful memories get up do something different, make a cup of tea whatever - just don't sit and stew. You'll be able to remember these things when some time has passed - you're not going to forget.

As for dealing with people at work - I kind of dealt with it up front - I told people quite openly I'd gone through quite an emotional thing and that I was fine to come back to work but there was a chance that I might suddenly just need a bit of time and not to worry if that happened I'd just take myself off and sort myself out for a few moments and that'd be fine - I didn't actually find that it was too bad and work helped me put it out of my mind and I could still laugh and chat with people about other things and pretty soon it was all like normal - for them at least and that made them feel more comfortable.

Anyway that may or may not help - take it as you find it

Best of luck for the funeral and when you get back to work - come back on whenever you feel like it and let us know how it went and especially when you hit that post-funeral low 

Hi everyone 

W had dad's funeral on yesterday, it went well, dad would have been proud I hope. The service was lovely and I managed to get through my speech, everyone said it was a lovely service. 

So there we go, I miss him so much and always will, I can't imagine not seeing him again or talking to him again, it's only been two weeks but sometimes feels like forever ago I spoke to him, don't know why. Not really sure what I do now other then just have to try and get on with my life.

I lost my mum to cancer when I was 6 so dad's been my forever, so this is new to me as was young when she died. I have a wonderful family and know I will get through it somehow, my dad lives on through us, just so hard to get my head around at the mo.

Had my uncles funeral yesterday, was a good service . Saw my cousins, we exchanged numbers , not seen them in 3 years . What to make family time count now