Hi

Firstly, I must say how full of admiration I am for you in dealing with your situation, my wife is in a hospice and I know that I would not cope with her at home. If she had wanted to be at home then the hospice had  said that nursing could be arranged 24/7 the only way I could have coped.

As for how long, the doctors say it is not an exact science so as you say everyone is different. The signs I was told to look for are cold hands and feet, although the person will not realise they are cold, and a change in breathing. But don't get hung up on these as when visiting my wife she has  displayed these syptoms but she carries on, as another person told me here, you will know when the time comes.

Your father has similarities to my wifes condition and she  has been in the hospice since Christmas Eve, being given a couple of weeks, she is not eating much, some days nothing, but has good days but increasingly few. But, here we are nearly 6 weeks on she still goes on and like you I think that each morning will bring news of her passing, the doctors have said this is possible but no more likely than at any other time.

I have posted my own thread trying to deal with the waiting and the stresses caused all I can say is it a very difficult time and that I have found strength from posting and the replies, so please keep talking.

My thoughts and best wishes are with you.

Thankyou so much for the reply, so sorry you are going through this as well.

Just been into my dad's room and he was cutting all his cards and driving licence up, said he's finalising everything, said he's exhausted and scared, said he thinks he will pass away this week, I am crying writing this as this was so hard to hear. Of course I know he can't know that but was so hard hearing him say that as that's what he has been thinking about.

He sleeps nearly all the time now and when not just stares into space with a vacant look in his eyes.

This is so hard.

Sorry for the ramble and Thankyou for replying, my thoughts are with you.

No problem, if we can help each other, ramble away.

My wife sleeps or appears to all the time but she tells us she hears every word we are saying when we are all around her bed and she likes to hear us.

You say your father says he is preparing, although it is upsetting,  make a positive of it let him talk about what he wants to do  and gain some satisfaction from the fact that he has fulfilled his wishes and you have helped. My wife does not want to talk about things and we know that this will leave us with lots of unanswered questions.

I cannot tell you how many hours I have spent just holding hands with my sleeping or vacant wife, but I believe she knows I am there no matter.

I know that this time is incredibly hard but because of your great care and love I am sure both you and father will find peace.

Best wishes. 

I'm really sorry to read your update spurs

It's particularly difficult when you've been on this journey with someone for so long and it starts to come with its inevitable conclusion,

He may well be right - when my wife started to get symptoms she confided in my mother "I think this is it" - my mother wouldn't believe her and tried to cheer her up. That was a sunny Sunday in the garden and on the Thursday evening I held her as she died.

You're not the only one crying now.

It sounds like you may be on the last leg now - pull yourself together and make sure you've got things covered - is his pain under control? are there any people who he'd want to see one last time? do you have food and coffee and tea in if you find yourself sitting with him for the last hours - I was awake for about 60 hours sitting with my wife.

Best of luck

Thanks graham, so sorry for your loss

He's not in any pain at all, he's on low dosage of steroids but a really low dose as they have cut them down, is it normal to not be in pain?  , I always associate terminal cancer with pain but he's not in any at all.

Hospice nurse that visited the other day said if he hasn't been in pain it's unlikely he will, which I know is a good thing.

I keep thinking he's going to go in his sleep and worried I won't be there, how will I know when he's going to go? 

Hi, 

Sorry to jump in your post. I'm going through this with my mum at the moment. Except I'm 2 hrs away and my dad and elder sister are nursing her. I have a toddler and just wish I could drop everything and be by her side. 

She is currently having 24hr nursing care from the hospice at home. Dr has told my dad she is in final stages and not to push food anymore. To let her be comfortably and at peace.  

She has swollen cold legs, thrush in her mouth. She dleeps a lot. I wish I was more prepared even though she has been ill for some time  

I wish I knew if it was hours or days  every night I go to sleep wondering if I will get a call that night  

Susan, I think the hospice will have a good idea when you're getting to the last hours and I'm sure they'll call you in time if you ask them but in any case I suspect she won't know much about it in the last hours.

It's different for everyone but my experience was that my wife got slowly less with it until she was unconcious and then over a period of hours her bearthing slowed, then became erratic for a couple of hours then became slower and slower and there was a bit of a shudder, her head went to one side and she died.

I was there with her sisters but she had no way of knowing what was happening or whether were ther or not. I'm glad I was there but I don't think I made any difference and it sounds as if your Dad and sister will be there - think that it would be good to be there but not the end of the world if you cant be - she wouldn't want you having an accident trying to get there.

Similarly Spurs you may well be right I think the early hours are the most common time for people to die, you may well go in one morning and find he's gone.

Personally I can't think of a better way that just to go to bed and not wake up - much better than gasping my last surrounded by an audience!

He seems to know his illness and his body I suspect if he wants to slip away quietly in the night he will

Hi Deggsy again,

Talking to the hospice staff about my wife, they echo Grahams words, people just simply slip away, calmly and with little fuss. In fact they said that Hollywood as got a lot to answer for.

Knowing my wife she will wait until she has none of her family around and then go without troubling anyone, she will not want to cause anyone any bother. Typical!!

I left my wife tonight, incredibly weak, a skeleton of her slimmest self and unable to keep her eyes open but still with a determination when she said " See you tomorrow " But I know that that determination cannot beat the physical strength she is losing and one day I won't. When that happens she will be at peace.

Hi all

Been a few days since I've been on.

Dad's in bed all the time, no food and hardly any water now, this morning seams confused and his feet especially the soles look blue, anyone seen this before?  I've contacted nurses just waiting for a call back.

He's ready to go now, he keeps saying he's had enough. So sad, my sister lives 3 hours away and said if I see changes to call so she can be here, very hard to know what changes mean death is near? 

Hey Spurs

Take a look here if you've not found it

www.cancerresearchuk.org/.../what-happens-in-the-final-days-of-life

In my wife's case the changes in breathing described in there as Cheyne Stoke breathing - irregular as if you think any one might be the last. That went on for 3-4 hours before she died.

But I think there are a lot of different experiences so it's hard to say for sure - I doubt he'll be aware of who is there and what is going on at the time so it depends on why your sister wants to be there - if she wants to actually talk to him it may already be too late. But it can go on - I guess from when my wife lost conciousness to when she died was about 2-3 days

Hey Spurs

Take a look here if you've not found it

www.cancerresearchuk.org/.../what-happens-in-the-final-days-of-life

In my wife's case the changes in breathing described in there as Cheyne Stoke breathing - irregular as if you think any one might be the last. That went on for 3-4 hours before she died.

But I think there are a lot of different experiences so it's hard to say for sure - I doubt he'll be aware of who is there and what is going on at the time so it depends on why your sister wants to be there - if she wants to actually talk to him it may already be too late. But it can go on - I guess from when my wife lost conciousness to when she died was about 2-3 days

Thanks graham,

Yeah I had read about the breathing, my sister was here yesterday and she did say her goodbyes, my dad did know she was there but was slipping in and out of sleep. The Chaplin has now been as dad wanted to see him, dad managed to have a quick chat and prayer with him, he seemed to get comfort from that.

Will see what the nurse has to say as she's due round soonthankyou for your reply 

OK like I say people have different experiences and it not knowing about what would happen was a concern to me - we go on endlessly about the mechanics of sex and birth but never about death! So I managed to talk to the palliative care team who were brilliant and explained to me about the breathing, They also told me that sometimes there can be sort of shaking or twitching that can be upsetting for people with them and if that does happen then they can give them a muscle relaxant to stop it.

My wife didn't have that, the irratic breathing calmed and slowed and at the very end there was a short judder (her heart stopping?) and her head rolled to one side, rather disconcertingly like the movies! and she was gone, no "rattle" in her breathing which I think can happen too.

We stayed a few minutes and I went to get a doctor to do the formalities and the youngest lad came in who looked terrified! I have a distinct feeling it might have been his first - it was that time of year. He spent quite a long time on his tests and then said "sorry for yourloss and went out backwards as if on wheels - bless him - we've all got to start somewhere I guess!

I hope that helps a bit

Thank you again, the information really helped, dad was in pain with his stomach and nurses came and have fitted syringe driver, they said they come back every day to top it up as lasts 24 hours, his soles of feet being blue said it's normal, I asked her the dreaded how long question and she said she thinks long days.

So let's see what tomorrow brings, thanks for replying again it means alot.

Likely to be fentanyl in the syringe driver en.wikipedia.org/.../Fentanyl it's an amazing drug a sythetic opiate first formulated in the 60s

It's 100 times more powerful than morphine so they can get a whole 24 hours worth into a single syringe

I can't imagine what hospitals would be like without the poppy

It has a very different symbolism for me now 

Best of luck, likely to be a memorable week come online when you need to chat

He's gone, my heart is breaking, he went this morning at 08.45 x

I'm so sorry for your loss. My mum passed away on Wednesday evening. I wasn't there but I had been there every day in the 6 days previous. We had some precious moments together and I was able to help care for her. 

It was my first experience of death so up close and it will live with me forever. 

I know exactly how you feel. Come back to chat whenever you want xx

Hello Spurs24, 

So sorry to hear your news. We send our condolences and thoughts to you at this difficult time. 

Please do post here if and when you feel you need to. 

best wishes, 

Jenn
Cancer Chat Moderator

Ah - he knew didn't he.

I take it from the precise timing that you were there with him at the end.

I think that you can be very proud of yourself that you gave him the best possible ending with minimal pain.

You did good!

Next few days, maybe weeks you'll feel in a complete emotional whirlwind, then busy contacting people and making arrangements for the funeral (dont let the funeral directors rip you off!)

Then everyone will go back to "normal" and you'll get an inevitable "Now what" sort of low. - Be ready for that.

Stay on the forum there are lots of us here to help you get over things

It'll be OK
 

relly sorry for your lose, I can imagine how your feeling, your Dad is in a happier place with no pain .

God Bless Pal. xx

So sorry to hear your news, stay strong and remember your own needs.

Peace has come to your Dad and may you find peace also.

Best wishes

Deggsy