Background: alcoholic father, traumatic childhood, selfish mother, Constant unacceptable behaviour from adults growing up supported by Constant ridiculous excuses
Me: setting boundaries, pointing out how unacceptable and crazy things are since childhood, mothering my parents, managing Constant conflict and stress
My mum: immature, selfish, superficial and not happy when life isn't about her
Sister: enabler, sympathetic to craziness, apologetic, thinks she can fix broken people
Mum's partner: nice guy when the going is good, loves to shop, socialise, holiday and drink. He's also an alcohol and nothing comes before that. Not so hot when things are going badly
Scenario: mum diagnosed with cancer at Christmas. Sister and I almost kill ourselves looking after her literally every day. Don't see our kids, stop working, don't eat or sleep...live 24/7 for my mum. Her partner, there when he feels like it and when suits him, likes to go shopping when she's having chemo, decides to get a tattoo when she's lying there comatose. Drinks a bottle of prosecco every night with half a bottle of whisky...no matter what else is going on or where he is staying. Doesn't work as part of a team or family, is there a lot when things are better.
Summer: mum in remission but utterly hopeless, miserable, joyless and depressed. Relies heavily on my sister and I all summer, there's not much of a break or chance to recover or look after ourselves.
August: cancer back, takes very bad turn. My sister and I back to 24/7 care, not working, living at hospital. Her partner nowhere to be seen. Promised to come four days in a row and didn't. Came and stayed for a few hours and left. Not there for any important meetings, discussions or ward rounds. Went for another tattoo. I called him out, expressed my hurt, disappointed and explained we cannot go on like this. My mum needs a bone marrow transplant, this is the long haul and he needs to step up, stop letting us down, do more and support my mum.
Now: my mum isn't speaking to me for "upsetting" him. I'm really harsh and I need to accept that she wants him there and suck it up. I need to allow him into my house to stay and let him drink and I need to phone and apologise as " he's done nothing wrong". If my mum is happy with him, I should be too. My feelings and opinions do not matter, all that matters is that she is happy. She has cancer after all.
Setting boundaries for myself and my family, having grown up with an alcoholic father is me really over reacting and I'm the one causing drama. My mum came to my son's birthday ( I asked her not to bring her partner as the day was about my wee boy and not her or her partner) she stormed in was rude to me in the doorway, tried to start an argument about who do I think I am saying he couldn't come. She stormed around, sat chewing wasps and after an hour declared she had being picked up by him and left.
She is a totally different person since cancer. Or should I say the negative side of her personality is 100 times worse. It's very hard to live with and accept this...especially since it's going to be for a long long time yet.
Have I actually lost my mind or is this behaviour totally unacceptable???????
My husband and brother in law feel exactly like me but my sister ( the enabler) thinks we need to do anything my mum wants.
Cancer is actually the least of our worries at the moment. My mum won't go back to staying with her partner as she may need to be taken to hospital at any time and he won't not drink to drive her there!!!!!! He said they will phone an ambulance....I can't believe I've actually typed that sentence. It's so depressing and unacceptable.