Dysfunctional family, alcohol and constant drama

Background: alcoholic father, traumatic childhood, selfish mother, Constant unacceptable behaviour from adults growing up supported by Constant ridiculous excuses

Me: setting boundaries,  pointing out how unacceptable and crazy things are since childhood, mothering my parents, managing Constant conflict and stress

My mum: immature, selfish, superficial and not happy when life isn't about her

Sister: enabler, sympathetic to craziness, apologetic, thinks she can fix broken people 

Mum's partner: nice guy when the going is good, loves to shop, socialise, holiday and drink.   He's also an alcohol and nothing comes before that.  Not so hot when things are going badly

Scenario: mum diagnosed with cancer at Christmas.  Sister and I almost kill ourselves looking after her literally every day.  Don't see our kids, stop working, don't eat or sleep...live 24/7 for my mum. Her partner, there when he feels like it and when suits him, likes to go shopping when she's having chemo, decides to get a tattoo when she's lying there comatose.  Drinks a bottle of prosecco every night with half a bottle of whisky...no matter what else is going on or where he is staying.  Doesn't work as part of a team or family, is there a lot when things are better.

Summer: mum in remission but utterly hopeless, miserable, joyless and depressed.  Relies heavily on my sister and I all summer, there's not much of a break or chance to recover or look after ourselves. 

August: cancer back, takes very bad turn.  My sister and I back to 24/7 care, not working,  living at hospital.   Her partner nowhere to be seen.  Promised to come four days in a row and didn't.   Came and stayed for a few hours and left.  Not there for any important meetings,  discussions or ward rounds. Went for another tattoo. I called him out, expressed my hurt, disappointed and explained we cannot go on like this.  My mum needs a bone marrow transplant,  this is the long haul and he needs to step up, stop letting us down, do more and support my mum.  

Now: my mum isn't speaking to me for "upsetting" him.  I'm really harsh and I need to accept that she wants him there and suck it up.  I need to allow him into my house to stay and let him drink and I need to phone and apologise as " he's done nothing wrong".  If my mum is happy with him, I should be too. My feelings and opinions do not matter, all that matters is that she is happy. She has cancer after all.

Setting boundaries for myself and my family, having grown up with an alcoholic father is me really over reacting and I'm the one causing drama.  My mum came to my son's birthday ( I asked her not to bring her partner as the day was about my wee boy and not her or her partner) she stormed in was rude to me in the doorway, tried to start an argument about who do I think I am saying he couldn't come.  She stormed around, sat chewing wasps and after an hour declared she had being picked up by him and left.

She is a totally different person since cancer.  Or should I say the negative side of her personality is 100 times worse.  It's very hard to live with and accept this...especially since it's going to be for a long long time yet.

Have I actually lost my mind or is this behaviour totally unacceptable???????  

My husband and brother in law feel exactly like me but my sister ( the enabler) thinks we need to do anything my mum wants.

Cancer is actually the least of our worries at the moment.  My mum won't go back to staying with her partner as she may need to be taken to hospital at any time and he won't not drink to drive her there!!!!!! He said they will phone an ambulance....I can't believe I've actually typed that sentence.  It's so depressing and unacceptable. 

  • HelloChristabelle43,

                                      whoah!, ----------reading your post gives me flashbacks to Ben Hur with Charlton Heston giving his chariot the full throttle. Proof if any were needed that cancer affects more than just the sufferer. One things for sure, you cannot make up for others shortcomings by taking it all upon yourself, that way leads downhill fast healthwise, focus on your own individual input and try not to look at others perceived lack of.

    Its not easy and you will have recognised the changes in those around you that a cancer diagnosis brings, people can react in the complete opposites, which creates additional tensions and can lead to a disjointed rather than a uniform response to the challenge.

    Sorry their are no easy answers other than to say try not to overload yourself and find the time and space to be gentle to the inner you, your special too,

    David

  • Hello David,

    Thanks for replying to what I have since returned back to read back on and see how much of an absolute rant this was!

    I really appreciate your advice and you are right I can't change or influence other people's decisions or actions.   I do need to take better care of myself and my own mental health and there are no easy answers.  I spoke to a MacMillan councillor yesterday which was very helpful.  

    I think stepping back from the situation and the insane expectations even short term is the only option.  

    Thanks for your advice

    Christine