I've posted before on here about my Dads incurable cancer.

He's been in hospital for the past three weeks - dehydration, then an infection, then various other small things that all are being treated as individual ailments rather than as a part of the bigger picture.

He can't walk,  or stand up without help. He's becoming low and frustrated and wants to go home.

I don't know if it's the beginning of the end or the end itself. Speaking to various doctors and nurses doesn't really shed any light on it.

I don't know why I'm posting this really other than I'm due to go in for my daily visit shortly and I'm hating myself because I dread it.

I hate that he has little interest in talking to his immediate family and sits staring into space for most of the time.

I hate that he's probably scared and low, and is so unwell.

That I desperately want him to come home but he can't if he can't even manage to walk to the bathroom.

I hated that yesterday he was rude and offhand with a nurse and a Doctor and it's so not my Dad to be like that.

I feel like a massive, useless coward because I feel like I just want to run away and I feel so indescribably tired.

I won't run away of course, I'm just so very scared and I don't know where we are in this awful journey.

I don't expect any answers to this post, I just need to let it out a bit.