Cancer Chat online community
I'm 21 years old and my partner is 23. 8 years ago my partner was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Luckily the doctors said it was slow growing and benign. However we have recently found out he may not have long to live due to the growth of the tumor. Ever since I found out I have been a complete wreck. I'm so depressed and breakdown on a daily basis. Knowing that he could pass away any day now is crippling me mentally. He is my rock and my bestfriend, I can't imagine being this close with someone ever again. Life without him seems unbearable because my whole world revolves around him. I don't have many close friends and I find it hard to talk to my family about this, so it's just been bottling up inside of me and I can't cope. We've been together for 3 years and they've been the most magical years of my life. We are so madly inlove and always talk about marriage and having kids down the track, but I have to accept that none of that might happen. I've been thinking about what I'll do when it happens, and i've been having very bad thoughts.. but I know he'd want me to stay strong and move on with my life.
I just needed to get it out, to talk to someone about it.
Thanks for listening.
Sorry about your partner. I'm sure others here who know what you are going through will be along shortly to say hello. In the meantime I just wanted to say hi and welcome you to Cancer Chat. If you ever need to talk to someone on the phone, our nurses are on hand from Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm on: freephone: 0808 800 4040 to offer you advice.
I too welcome you to this great forum and would like to thank you for relating your story for us. The first posting is never easy. I was so saddened as I read your posting for I can hear the pain you are in. I am glad you have come to this site for as you so rightly say, bottling things up does no one any good at all. This is a great place to rant, rage or shout for people on here understand the pain that cancer cause's not just to the patient, but to their loved ones, family and friends. Things are even worse for you as you say you don't have many close friends to talk and comfort you. But I hope like me, you will find friends on here like I have, for there are so many wonderful people on here. All I can say, is treasure the time you have left and make some good memories if possible, for these will help you in the future, for it's something no one can ever take from you.
Any time you are feeling low and want to talk, please come back to us on here and we will do all we can to help you.
Please take care, kind regards Brian
First of all I am terribly sorry to read about what a terrible time you and your partner are going through right now. As Brian has said it is impossible to miss the pain you are feeling by the way you have written your post. It is a shame you find it difficult to speak to your family about how you are feeling as they are usually our best source of strength in difficult times and the lack of close friends must make things so much worse. Having lost several friends and family to this disease I have a small idea of what you are feeling but I couldn't imagine what it would be like to find I was losing my wife as, like you my other half is the rock that I revolve around and life without her would be impossible.
I hope you can find some help from the number that moderator-Jane has given you but if you continue to write on here and like replies from certain people then you can always get in touch with them directly. Having someone to confide in and share your thoughts with is an excellent way to help ease the burden a little.
Take good care and please continue to let us know how you are doing.
I,m so sorry for you & your partner you are both so very young & should have your all lifes head of you to plan & look forward to, unfortunately life can be so very cruel. All I can say is try & stay strong for him make every day a good memory that you will treasure later on if the worsed does happen. I know how you are feeling as I have just lost my husband after battling cancer for three years, its been a long hard road through his illness & now I feel lost & don,t want to live without him now he has gone. But I know he would want me to carry on & be strong and make him proud of me, so that is what I know I have to do even though all i want his to be with him again. I only lost him on the 24 November so its still vey early for me. I have found talking to people helps so very much so I,m sure if you could talk to someone it would help you. Even though I know how you are feeling its hard to help as oneone can really. all we all want is our normal life,s back before the cancer. But we can,t no matter how much we wish for it, if the strenght & fight my husband had would have killed the cancer he would still be at my side. I hope you get more time together to do lovely things together & make lots of memory if the worse does happen but you don,t know maybe he,ll be a lucky one I do hope so very much. If you need to talk I do understand my husband & I were best friends as well as husband & wife and lived for each other.
I hope you get some good news
Best of luck Gioux
While our stories are quite different as I have not been with my partner as long and he has pushed me away as his journey unfolds, I can appreciate the desperate feeling of loss that is clawing around inside you and the thoughts in your head that never seem to fade but keep running over and over. The pain is something so alien to us when it felt like we were only just starting that bright and happy journey of adult life. We had so many dreams and hopes didn't we? So many things that we believed were going to happen and then you find out that it is going to be taken from you and you feel so helpless in the face of this horror. I know that feeling of not being able to cope and having limited people to talk to about everything wirling about inside you. It's how I found this forum and the people here are wonderful to talk to. Please make use of the generosity and kindness of the people here. You will find that it does help - even if it is only for a little while.
Those dark and bad thoughts you having are something that I hope you will be able to put aside for the time being ok? You still have your special love by your side and now is the time for you two to fill every moment of your time together with that mad love that you feel for each other. I hope that you can find people here to talk to and that it can help you get through the dark days. Take care.
Wow everyone.. This is my first time posting in a forum and already I feel calmer and have a little bit more hope. Brian and Garf, thanks for the kind hearted words. It means a lot. You’re right, talking to people about it does help. Especially on a site like this where people are in similar situations.
Gloux- I’m really sorry about your husband ): I can’t imagine the pain you’d be in right now, it sounds like you lost a big part of your life. But I admire your strength and positivity at this time. I’m sure he would be proud of how determined you are to get back on your feet, so soon after his passing.
Greeneyes- you summed it up perfectly. I’ve never been in this sort of pain before, feeling so helpless and angry and a million emotions at once that my mind is completely exhausted. But don’t worry, I will stay strong for him. Is your boyfriend battling cancer aswell?
Yes, my boyfriend is currently battling relapsed testicular cancer. He was on a combo of second line chemo and radiotherpy the last I knew. As treatment progressed and he got sicker and sicker he withdrew from me in every way - he said that he didn't want me to see it and that it wasn't fair on me and that he couldn't bear to see me upset while he was in treatment.
In the last few weeks he is (hopefully) letting me back into his life since he has started communicating with me again. However, I know that he is still sick and exhausted from chemo and radiotherapy which is far more open and communicative than he has been in 2 months! I am hoping that this is a good sign for him that treatment is going well! It has been really hard to deal with all the emotions that a cancer dx brings and the complete loss of control you feel.
So many people talk about strength on this forum but I didn't realise exactly what that was. I think that you will find yourself learning the true meanings of patience and perseverence and how important they are to your 'strength' in the coming days. It's not easy to be strong and you may not even feel that way a lot of the time, but just by being there and not giving up you are showing more strength than a lot of other people would have. If your partner wants you close then cherish that! It will bring different emotions, challenges and battles to face but you will be able to do it together! Myself and another forum member (L_Belle) have boyfriends that wished to face this demon alone so we are walking a very different path trying to support our partners from a distance that they have insisted upon.
Just remember to try to be kind to yourself. Do not feel guilty for taking time out to do things that you enjoy but don't necessarily involve your partner. It's important for you to be able to have "worry-free" moments in your head. The brain and emotions do need a bit of a rest from the endless 'what ifs', panic and feelings of dread and loss you are experiencing. And try to take each day as it comes because thinking months in advance can be much too overwhelming.
Thank you for your reply. I am so glad you have had several people respond to you, and that you say you feel calmer already which has pleased me to hear. Before joining this site in late May, I too had never participated in any forum. I never knew how much help was on offer on this site and I am very pleased I joined up. I have met some wonderful people on here, and made a lot of new friends although that was not what I joined for. Over the years I have lost several family members including my mother to cancer and two and a half years was myself diagnosed with prostate cancer from which I have made a good recovery. So as I know what it's like on both side of the fence so to speak, I decided to join up and try to help others affected by cancers spiders web. I have leant so much and still have a load more to learn. I feel so lucky when I read so many sad stories on here and just want to do what little I can.
Please take care, and come back on here anytime you want to talk, Best wishes, Brian