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21,757 Views 11 Replies Last post: Aug 8, 2013 3:29 PM by Hope23 RSS
shopping 2 posts since
Jul 24, 2011
Currently Being Moderated

Jul 24, 2011 1:54 PM

My Dad has terminal cancer, Help

This is the first time I have used this site so not really sure how it works. I just feel as though i needed to talk to people coping with a similar situation. We found out on Wednesday that my dad has cancer in his liver and pancreas and are devastated and there is nothing the doctors can do. We have not spoken to anyone yet and are due to see someone on Wednesday but I wonder if anyone can advise me of things that will happen, what time scale we are talking, how we can help my dad with pain he may feel and how to help my mum to cope and keep my dad at home as none of us wish him to go to a hospital/hospice. How can we prepare for such an unthinkable event. We are all stunned and at a loss as to where to start.

claireabell 387 posts since
Jan 19, 2011
Currently Being Moderated
1. Jul 24, 2011 2:10 PM in response to: shopping
Re: My Dad has terminal cancer, Help

hi shopping

 

                  welcome to the site. sorry to hear about ur dad. u will b given a mac millan nurse they the best ppl to ask for support and advice. no 1 can put a time scale on things as all cases are different. we all here to help and offer support the best we can. you all will b stunned cos it not a easy thing to take in. my heart goes out to you and your family. you should get filled in a lot more on wed when you go. the mac millian will talk about pain controll and other things. just take one day at a time. try and build more memories and spend as much time as you can with your dad. plz keep in touch all my love claire xxxx

Carrie 433 posts since
Feb 19, 2011
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2. Jul 24, 2011 9:25 PM in response to: shopping
Re: My Dad has terminal cancer, Help

Hello Shopping

 

You must all be very, very shocked after such devastating news.  The consultant is the only person who will be able to advise on timescale and even he may be unable to judge at present.  There are so many things to take into consideration - how aggressive the cancer is, how your Dad's general health is at present and any trials available to ease symptoms.  There will probably be a specialist nurse or MacMillan nurse who will be able to help you all come to terms about what's happening and explain how your Dad will be treated.  They usually visit at home and will be able to help your Mum cope and deal with any anxieties which crop up.

 

Of course, you want to keep your Dad at home but don't be alarmed if a short stay in hospital or a hospice is suggested as sometimes it's easier to sort out a pain relief regime in hospital than at home.  You can rest assured that your Dad's wishes will be taken into consideration and with the latest methods of painkillers and various medical aids, he will be made comfortable.

 

This is a very distressing time for you all but I know you'll have some very special times with your Dad and you'll have wonderful memories to treasure.

 

I hope you and your Mum will take good care of yourselves too because it's so easy to forget to do this when you have so much on your minds.

 

I shall think of you and hope you'll feel able to let us know how you all get along.

 

Love

 

Carrie

chezzy 83 posts since
May 22, 2010
Currently Being Moderated
3. Jul 24, 2011 11:51 PM in response to: Carrie
Re: My Dad has terminal cancer, Help

Hello Shopping

Just wanted to say hi, and that I'm really sorry you find yourself in this dreadful position.

I can completely understand the devastation and shock you are feeling as my Dad has terminal cancer too. He's actually in hospital right now with severe pnuemonia and it is a living breathing nightmare!!

All I can say is that you will find the resources to cope, and I'm sure will have the opportunity to build some happy memories, despite the awfulness of the situation.

As the others have said, talk to his Consultant and the Macmillan Nurses, they will give you straight info just as long as you directly ask the questions you want the answers to.

Take care of yourself.

((HUGS))

Chezzy x

Jgjbh 19 posts since
Feb 16, 2011
Currently Being Moderated
5. Jul 25, 2011 8:40 PM in response to: shopping
Re: My Dad has terminal cancer, Help

Hello shopping,

 

I just want to give you a big hug, I understand exactly what you are going through. My brave dad was diagnosed as terminal (Lung) in June last year with a prognosis of 3 months. He passed away at home on the 4th April this year. He had decided that he wanted to be at home and we supported him fully. It is tough but looking back now I know I did everything possible to support him. The hospice staff were amazing - they did regular home visits and we had a McMillan sitter for one night who was an angel.

Maybe you could try to do things as a family and make some happy memories for you all, we had limo rides, west end shows, a Devon holiday even 2 Christmases!

In a strange way dad also got comfort out of being able to "prepare"

I found so much comfort and support here, you are never alone. I miss my dad loads but he knew he was loved, I think that is the most important thing.

Please take care, will be thinking of you

 

Georgina xx

candy 253 posts since
Feb 8, 2011
Currently Being Moderated
6. Jul 26, 2011 12:53 AM in response to: shopping
Re: My Dad has terminal cancer, Help

hi shopping im so so sorry to read your post, my husband was terminal, lung, brain, cancer despite having part of his right lung removed 2006 the cancer came back october 2010, with revengence, i looked after my husband at home, until i had no option to call an ambulance dated 10/07/2011, he was admitted into hospital i returned back home to collect pjs etc when my house phone rung, it was the hospital my husband was dieing i called rest of our family we all sat also stayed overnight, my poor husband passed away at 7,15am aged 55yr old. after a brave fight with courage, dignity. rest in peace sweetheart, just make sure you tell him all the most important things you wouid want your dad to know, my thoughts are with you, also your family. from liz

evelyn02 2 posts since
Jul 29, 2011
Currently Being Moderated
7. Jul 29, 2011 8:19 PM in response to: candy
Re: My Dad has terminal cancer, Help

hi there

my dad passed away on wednesday 20th july (last week) after a brave 2year battle with cancer.

In his last few weeks when we knew he was dying and that there was nothing more the doctors could do, we tried our best to encourage him with all sorts of treats.

my dad tried to join in and be cheerful but most of the time he was too weak. He knew that we were trying to make his last weeks as memorable as possible and he actually said that the worst part of it was watching us watching him.

4 weeks ago he was admitted to Accord hospice to have his medication sorted out. The meds he was on were making him slur and immobile.

The process of watching a loved one die is a cross that is so hard to bear. The staff at the hospice were very kind and helpful. they did a great job in looking after my dad.

Alot of what you and your family are preparing to go through depends on your dad and how he is coping mentally.

My dad,whilst still able to speak, continually thanked family members for coming to visit and always asked my sisters and i to look after our mum.

There are no words that I can offer to help ease your concern. Everyone is different and cancer is different for each person. (just like pregnancy)

If you need an ear or a shoulder please do not hesitate to mail me.

My dad had a wonderful send off on Tuesday and is now at peace.

hugs to you

xxxx

SarahJ2000 1 posts since
Aug 2, 2011
Currently Being Moderated
8. Aug 2, 2011 2:44 AM in response to: shopping
Re: My Dad has terminal cancer, Help

Hi Shopping, I'm Sarah. 

I've just come across this site as I too are in a similar boat to you. I'm back staying at my Mum & Dad's house (I'm 37) because my Dad has cancer. He's only 63. had a healthy lifestyle, doesnt drink, smoke, not over weight etc etc.....so why?? Still not got past that one....... after 18 months of struggling with a neuroendocrine tumour which is quiite rare, he is now deteriorating and my strong resourceful dad has disappeared before my eyes.

 

I so understand your pain,,,the helplessness is unbareable sometimes, when I see my Dad in pain I feel like my insides are being ripped out because I can't do anything to help him.

 

Two weeks ago my Dad was rushed into A&E with an internal bleed, they got us all together (my mum, me and dad) and told us that they didn't know where he was bleeding from and if they couldn't stop it that would be 'curtains' ! A small miracle happened ...the bleeding stopped and we got him home. We are plodding on day by day ...he has good days and bad days but the only 'thing' i can say Shopping  is that I have learnt to live for the 'moment' .....grab every lucid moment, every smile you can, every memory you share. I know I have very limited time left with my Dad and my heart is breaking day by day but while he is still here i want to grab every moment with both hands.

 

There are some lovely posts on this site but no-one has actually mentioned the pain.............its immense ...i dont have children and my Dad is my closest dearest person in my life and I wonder if the pain will ever go away, i know i can't be  the only one feeling it ? x

moledina 1 posts since
Aug 9, 2011
Currently Being Moderated
9. Aug 9, 2011 7:48 PM in response to: claireabell
Re: My Dad has terminal cancer, Help

Hi. I have a great deal of sympathy with you.My mother is 76 and was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer last October.The doctor said that she would die within a year.Mum feels this is good to know as she can see family and friends and speak to them about issues that are important. She also wants to "enjoy everyday and not dwell" on her illness.We are happy with this and make the most of each day. Mum says she would die at some point,cancer or not so enjoy living.Shabira x  

jammysarah 1 posts since
Jul 28, 2013
Currently Being Moderated
10. Jul 28, 2013 12:58 PM in response to: shopping
Re: My Dad has terminal cancer, Help

So sorry to hear what everyone else is going through, its heartbreaking for everyone to watch their loved ones demise without being able to help. Im in a similar situation but my my relationship with my dad has not been a good one since he remaried 35 years ago. Is it bad to say I dont like him and only love him because he is my father? PLUS, Is anyone else not getting help from medical practices all round?

 

My father was diagnosed with incurable small cell lung cancer which has pread to his brain and adrenals. I am literally the only person he has to look after him (my step mum left him a month before diagnosis) and I live 30 miles away. He has alienated everyone else with his opinions and misogynist attidude to women and the rest of the world.  I am having to go over most days now as he is disorientated due to the focal seizures and fits.

He has had chemo (helped a great deal and the fits stopped) and radiotherapy on chest only (didnt do a thing and made his brain worse).

 

He wont stop smoking... Hes also reacted to opiate based medication for other symptoms in the past and is on voltarol and paracetamol only with keppra (doing nothing for seizures). Hes running out of options now as hes in such a massive amount of pain and is adamant that he  wont have morphine and isnt not going to hospital or to die in a hospice (he wont be able to smoke his beloved 40 cigarettes a day will he, AND he will be made to eat vegetables!!)

 

The thing is, we have only seen macmillan once about 2 months ago and no other nurses. There is no help at all for cleaning, cooking or hygiene for my dad and my home life is suffering as I have to be there a lot of the time. Im struggling to pay the mortgage as I work for myself and have had to turn down a lot of work to be with him but the carers allowance is only for people earning less than £100 per week?

 

Does anyone else know how to get a nurse or people that will help? we have district nurses but they dont liaise with anyone and a new one comes each week and my dad has to go through the whole rigmorole of giving all him information each time.

 

I am coming to the end of my tether and when Im not with him I sit at home in the quiet or just sit in bed (like now!) I am wheezing from all the passive smoke and am just numb towards friends and family. I feel bad for ranting about him, I hope you dont mind. I think we just need to find help.

 

Thanks for reading. I hope (shopping) you are able to find an answer on how to start to prepare too.

 

Sarah

Hope23 804 posts since
Aug 8, 2013
Currently Being Moderated
11. Aug 8, 2013 3:29 PM in response to: shopping
Re: My Dad has terminal cancer, Help

Hi,  I am new to this site today, but read your post and felt that I had to reply as I am in a similar situation to you.  Firstly I want to say how sorry I am to hear about your Dad's diagnosis, and that only anyone that has been there can truly appreciate what you are going through.

My Mum has primary pancreatic cancer with secondary liver cancer.  This was a big shock to me as it came just 12 weeks after my Dad died of primary liver cancer and as you can imagine I am heartbroken, especially as I am an only child. I really do feel for you and would like to offer support.

 

Regarding timescales I'm not sure that anybody can conclusively tell you a time, everybody is different and reacts differently even to the same disease.  My Dad died just 3 weeks after diagnosis as the tumour caused a blockage to his stomach.  I managed to get him home from hospital to his house which was his wish and watched him die 3 days later.  To be truthfully he had a peaceful passing, he wasn't in pain at all but did have the discomfort of being sick and unable to eat anything, also he was bedridden as he previously had a mobility issue, so was incontinent. He generally became weaker and weaker, he couldn't speak and slept a lot.  Strangely enough the last day was his best day for a while and we all chatted to him before he went unconscious.  We had carers and hospice at home nurses who were brilliant.  I won't pretend it is easy at home and really don't know if I can cope watching my Mum at home again so soon, but I was at peace with myself knowing he had got his wish and my family and I were with him at the end.  The aftermath of dying at home is difficult, I found it hard to go back into the house and look at the empty hospital bed that took 3 days to be taken away, but it was worth it to know my Dad got his wish. With my Mum I have just been told a few months, she has now been at home for 5 weeks and is progressively getting weaker, I am watching her fade like Dad and am terrified.  She feels a sick at times but isn't in pain.  I hope I haven't upset you but telling you how it was for me, if you are anything like me I felt the need to be prepared.  I wish you all the best and don't hesitate to contact me again if you want to chat x

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