Cancer Chat online community

Hi Helen

I lost my wife Tracey to breast cancer in December of 2010. We had been together for 21 years, she was just 39 years old. The overwhelming grief that you have been feeling I can relate to. I was numb for days afterwards before I started to feel anything. I was in denial, did some bargaining and was quite angry. I also could not see how I would ever be able to move on. I can tell you that time does heal. 14 months later I still have the odd moment but for the most part I am in good shape. I have even started dating again although the realisation the other day that I might be about to start a new relationship gave a me bit of a wobble. Everybody is different so you will not find things go the same way as me in the same order but our overall experience will be similar. I can thoroughly recommend counselling it really helped me. I joined a berievement group which also helped.

Please do not hesitate to ask me any questions, I will be here to help.

Barney x

Hi love good to hear from u.  Exactly the same happened to Rick one of his friends got engaged and a friend of both of them told him shes pregnant.  He feels just like u that everyone else is happy but him but just from getting to know Barney both of u will find happiness again but it will take time.  Youre both young and have ur lives in front of you.  The day after Valentines was their anniversary (they would have been together for nine years) and he went away but he said it was a big mistake.

Keep in touch and hope your little one gets better soon. Love Linda xxx

And if you fail in your relationship you'll always have a place under Linda's stairs.................... a win / win situation for you son!!!

All well with you?

S x

Hi Helen

I was so sorry to read your story.  I have a beloved Ian too.  He has advanced and aggressive bowel cancer which he has been fighting, amazingly, since November 2005.  18 weeks of brutal chemo bought Ian 5 1/2 yrs remission when his oncologist predicted 1-2 yrs.  I got to the point that, realistic as we had both been, it seemed maybe it wouldn't come back.  Neither of us has ever belonged to the "positive brigade" - we know too many people who made bad decisions because they were being "positive" and thought they could "think" the cancer away with positive thoughts and behaviours.  Because we were realistic, we put the foot hard down on the accelerator and travelled, laughed and loved lots.  But the mets tumors were back in Ian's lungs at the July 2011 checkup and another 18 wks of chemo followed.  We celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary on 5 February and had four days on a brief  trip eating in Masterchef Judges restaurants in Melbourne, just living life to the full while we could.  We returned to the latest CT result - the chemo had made no difference and another, last chance, chemo was started last Wednesday.  I asked about anything else available, not publicly funded, and Ian is now having Avastin privately every three weeks to increase his chance of a slightly longer remission.  Thank goodness we both worked hard in our business and had some equity we could access to pay for it.

I don't know if a long fight or a brief fight is the more bearable - the end result is the same.  I struggle to cope with losing my dearest friend and soulmate.  We never had children, by choice, we were just a tight unit of two with a few, not particularly close friends around us.  Unfortunately we have both been "givers" all our lives, and our friends tend to be "takers" so they make noises about wanting to help but just not knowing what to do - and proceed to do nothing!  One of the things Ian struggles with is leaving me completely and utterly on my own - he said just this morning that he can't bear that he is hurting me and I was quick to remind him that the cancer is hurting me, not him.

One day soon I will be in your shoes.  I can't begin to imagine what it's like in the moments, days or weeks after your beloved has slipped away.

I have been offered anti-depressants a couple of times so far on the journey and I have strongly resisted.  I think it's only right that I cry when I am sad - just as I have the right to laugh when I want to.  But I acknowledge that deep, deep sadness needs more than a weep to fix it.  You've done the right thing to get some help, just so you can get through the day and be a lovely mum.

Do your best - that's all any of us can do - try and find some humor from time to time and talk often to your little girl of her lovely Daddy.

All the best,

elkay

Nea Hao (mean hello in Chinese - courtesy of a 2 year old),

How are you getting on?  I've an awful lot of emails to catch up on as I've been off pretty much all week - only because i was feeling a bit off and not my usual self and didn't want to pass my mood on....however I have bounced back (as i knew I would).

Hope you and the wee one are managing to get out in the fine weather - it's been nice up here for a few days now and I feel better after spending some time in the garden.

Speak soon

S x

Hi Helen.  You are a few weeks ahead of me. I am logged into my wife's profile to read her old posts on here. She passed away on the 12th of feb and her funeral is on Tuesday. Less than a week to go. I've had so much to do that I feel like I haven't started properly grieving yet but I expect it to hit me the day after the funeral. Reading other people's posts on here has helped knowing I'm not the only person going through this.