Hi Danielle
I am so sorry for your loss of both your uncle and granddad and truly understand what a difficult and horrendous time this must be for you and your family. I can totally relate to your post as I am in a similar boat and joined this site a couple of weeks ago for exactly the same reason you have stated in your post. I wanted words of wisdom and comfort and I wanted to chat to people who were in this situation and likewise find out more information about cancer for my own personal research and to try and piece the jigsaw together a little bit.
I lost my mum 2 months ago, a week before Christmas and like you am really struggling with the loss and understanding of how the events happened. Mum had been poorly for a while with some general stomach complaints and through the local GP's various tests were carried out and she was diagnosed with a hiatus hernia and IBS. The symptoms continued for a couple of years, however mum was not making any improvements and was just feeling more and more poorly and lost so much weight. A few months before mum passed away she found it really difficult to eat a full meal and struggled with fullness and persistent indigestion, she also felt continually sick and this lead to being continually sick for about a month before she died, made worse by a bowel obstruction which she developed and was hospitalised for. This bowel obstruction worked out to be secondary small bowel cancer and she also had secondary cancer in the large bowel and the primary was unknown. The doctors believe that it started in the large bowel but cannot be 100% sure and there is a possibility it started in the ovaries. However the primary will never be known and myself and my family are left with so many unanswered questions. Mum endured a massive operation 9 days before she died, which is where the doctors found the cancer and the widespread cancer nodules but her pathology results were not even received before she passed away and was officially diagnosed on the death certificate. I requested to see mums consultant after this, which he agreed with and through this I was able to get some answers, however likewise felt so angry and cheated to be told that mum probably had the cancer for 4-5 years and all the symptoms leading up to her death and for the 2 years which she had been especially poorly were probably due to the cancer. I was left with WHY????.....Why had this not been picked up before and why could you have cancer for so long and not show drastic symptoms until a couple of months before the end! Having to go through the operation was for a waste of time in some respects as they were not able to remove the cancer as it was too far advanced and the consultant said that even if he had of seen mum 6 months earlier, she would have unfortunately been diagnosed with a prognosis of weeks! That is the one which really hurt!. The doctors and staff at the hospital were fantastic and did everything that they could to help mum, but it was a case of all the good doctors at the end! When mum was really sick, action was taken, but it should have been taken at the early stages by the local doctors, instead of putting everything down to general stuff and sending you on your way to see how you get on!
Like your uncle mum was told that the lesions they found could and were likely to be scar tissue initially but if only that was the case. Mum did have a lot of scar tissue, but when they looked closer the cancer nodules could be clearly seen as well as the 2 main tumours. Seeing mum poorly for so long and especially the last month in hospital was awful so I can truly appreciate what it must have been like for you and your family with your uncle and my heart goes out to you.
Losing your granddad a few days before Xmas I totally relate too and must have been a massive shock especially after all of his successful cancer treatment, in times like these it really is a cruel world and the massive question is always WHY?. I can understand that you are feeling all of his chemo and treatment was for nothing as he endured all of this and I guess is not an easy ride and then to be told the good news and then something else happens. It really is unfair and I just wish that we were able to develop magic wands where we could make everything ok and bring our loved ones back to us. I believe that we will never understand the reasons why these things happen and trying to accept they have or will happen is hard. The shock people feel when they lose someone can be immense and I know how I feel, I am still in shock and still numb to the loss sometimes or most of the time if I am honest.
Like you with your losses, I miss my mum so much but in my head I feel that she will return. I know deep down what has happened and I know she will never come back deep down, but on the surface I don't believe it and just say no this has not happened to myself. Talking to other family members I find hard also as I am afraid of making things worse for them or don't wish to open healing wounds, chatting to friends I find difficult also now and I feel that now people do not really wish to talk about mum or mention her name, where I want to talk about her and what has happened all the time. This is why I think sites like these are great as people like you and me can chat and try to help each other. There are also specific grief websites which are good and a fantastic booklet which I would recommend, is called What Now, by Dr Bill Webster, it really is helping me and I have it with me all the time. He also has a website which is good and offers some great support.
I felt so lost after the funeral and trying to get back to normal, I feel that family, friends, people I know etc are all back to normal and I am running like a hamster in a wheel, trying to act normal, but inside I am screaming and just want to run away. I am beginning to feel that people do not understand, but sometimes I wonder if they might be in exactly the same situtation and feeling the same.
We are all individuals and the grief we feel is unique to us, it takes time and only we know how truly we are feeling and what we need and then try to reply this to the people that are closest to us, so they can help us in the right way. If you are feeling you need some time on your own then explain this to your partner, or if you need a hug then tell him. We just have to be easy on ourselves and just hope that time will help us. We need to allow ourselves to feel what we are feeling and not hide it. Losing someone who has such a massive impact on our lives is a massive shock and upheaval and our lives will never be the same again. I just hope that time will help me to adjust to the change and one day feel a little bit normal again. Like you I feel so lonely and lost and to be honest afraid of life a little, it is an uncertain world and you never know what is around the corner. I have been told that life is never one easy road and it is full of hills and valleys and been told that mum passing was for the best as least she is not suffering anymore. I can totally understand and relate to those comments, but they do not help to lessen the pain I feel, but hope is all I can do.
What I do at the moment is literally just try to take life one moment at a time, I try not to think too much about the future or tomorrow or even 3 hours time and just try to think about this actual present moment and ask myself if I am ok and usually the answer is yes but it is a hard road.
I would definitely recommend the booklet What Now!
All the best and take care
Nicola xx
. My mum found him in bed the next morning and wasnt sure weather he had died or not cause he was so warm and she struggles alot because she had to get him out of bed and try and ressucitate him when she new deep down he was already dead. I remember seeing him led there just praying that he would move but he wouldnt and so i just cuddled him! i find myself holding everything back until i am in the car on my own and a sad song comes on just little things then im balling.
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